Can’t be bothered with bf’s friends and family

[PampasAss]

Is it a red flag that I’m not interested in wanting to meet/socialise with bf’s friends or family? I like the time we spend together, just us. Not just dates out, chilling at home too. But it’s second time around for us, I met them all (friends/relatives), I was polite etc. but I wasn’t close to any of them (maybe I’m distant/socially awkward anyway), then we split, friends/relatives all disappointed me (in reaction to a serious event after our split) and I can give him a second chance but I just can’t be bothered to give them the same. I don’t need them. I can’t see that changing: why waste my time? But I suppose this might impact on bf in the future: me always saying no to family gatherings. He was never with me at such gatherings anyway…always rushed off to catch up with people, leaving me in the corner. In fact it’s similar when we bump in to friends of his, he doesn’t introduce me, bring me into conversation (maybe he presents as better in these situations but is no better than me) Therefore I now take the stance that I shouldn’t need to bother. But what does that say about my relationship?

Without knowing more it's hard to say. How long were you together the first time? Live together? And why it ended? Who left whom etc?

To me from what you've said, could you be possibly embarrassed or avoiding awkwardness over the past? Avoiding judgement and hurt because they didn't reach out to you when your broke up?
Alot also depends on how important and involved he is with his family and friends. Have you guys been back together for long? I can see why you would want some distance to begin with.

Have you spoken to him about this?

Personally, it's not something that would bother too much unless it was a big family occasion. H and I tend to keep it all separate and it works for us. The big things like weddings and Christmas we are there together as a family unit. But, other than that his family is his and mine is mine. Same with friends we rarely overlap. I thinknits important to have a network outside of the relationship that's solely yours.

Thank you @OneMoreCookieMonster for your useful insight. it’s good to hear that you have some separation in your lives, but that doesn’t mean that it’s a bad relationship. I’m aiming for that

Last time round we were all in so to speak: lived in each others pockets, couldn’t be apart, moved in too quickly etc. we both admit now that was a mistake, driven by all the happy hormones of a new relationship. Very much acted like teenagers in love (because it was the first timed I’d experienced those emotions for a long time)

this time it’s a more mature relationship. More on my terms. It’s only been a couple of months. I drove the break up. I suppose I perceive potentially family should have done more to help bf after we split. But I worry they blame me for ending relationship. So I would be hiding a bit. But we’d become dysfunctional and something had to change. I bet they don’t know the half of it
I feel a bit guilty because I divorced my ex h (for a lot of reasons): but it might boil down to him being too separated from me. He no longer came to any of my family occasions. He’s a bit older than me, and I suspect it’s an age thing…now I’m a little older too I’m less sociable and can’t be bothered pretending I’m not. He might well have felt the same.

You said you weren’t close to them first time around, so it’s not that surprising they weren’t particularly supportive of you when you split, or that they took his side. That’s only natural as they don’t know you. The fact that he used to ignore you at family events and not introduce you to people probably didn’t help.

If you avoid them altogether it is likely to become a bit awkward if you’re in the relationship for the long haul, never attending any family events and avoiding anything where he’s likely to see his friends and family. Perhaps better to aim for polite distance and popping up occasionally rather than ignoring these occasions altogether? He needs to support you in this by not dumping you to rush off to talk to others etc. But if he can’t be bothered, I wouldn’t blame you if you can’t be bothered either.

@Usernameisunavailable just a minor correction: I’m upset that they didn’t support my boyfriend (not me) when we split. He comes from a big family, no one offered him any support when I asked him to move out. They’re one of those families who like to put up SM posts to appear to be close…then offer nothing tangible. I see through this now.
but you’re right: I can’t avoid them long term. I’ll just go to every other event (or less!) to be polite/supportive. I’ll ask bf to be present with me more too during the events.

They probably don't know why and what drove the original break up and its often the partner (you) who isn't in the family that gets the blame. I would personally be cautious. There's a lot to rebuild there and it's going to be awkward.

He also needs to step up and be present with you in those situations. Show and be an united front. If H fucked off like that, all of the time at events I'd flat out refuse to go. We do mingle separately but after we've been there for a bit and have gotten comfortable. And, we check in with each other, so there's no misunderstanding when the other has had enough and its time to go. It's about talking through those boundaries again and what eachother expects.

Also, depending in how your break up went and what he's like, may be he didn't approach anyone for help hoping that the relationship would sort its self out.

You have every right to see as little of them as you choose.

I would tell him if he behaves poorly by just dumping you, you will leave and NEVER entertain going again.

This is really rude behaviour and a good partner does not behave like that.

Better you don't attend things if he wants to dump you.
That of course doesn't mean you need to be joined at the hip, but if you felt abandoned then that isn't good.

I think it's perfectly possible to have a kind respectful relationship with people whilst not seeing a lot of each other.

Second time round, you need to suit you more.

The older I get the better I am at reflecting peoples effort with me, back at them.

It's been wonderfully freeing.😁

How does your partner feel about it? Seems a shame to shut yourself off due to social awkwardness