He keeps replying to her

[Sunandrainbows]

My fiance created a successful voluntary community project for people after lockdown. There was a woman who was about 10 years older than him and she ran events in this project for her area. She told him to get rid of his event organisers just so they could run it together. The other event organisers covered all the other areas so it's unlikely she would have done those areas. He kept his event organisers as they have done so much for the project.

Our online rule was no spam advertising yet she kept putting up advertising posts, someone pulled her up on it and she staged an argument and said she was leaving the project. She had not put an event up for 2 weeks so it was all planned her leaving. She has since created her own community group, took group members with her and put on her group rules 'no advertising' 🙄 contradicting herself. Some of her members have tried to sabotage our project by posting lies on our page who we have since banned. She lied to my fiance saying she would never take his members yet people reported back she had set up a community group. There was a voice note leaked and she said someone has s*stirred and that they are not welcome in her group.

I feel she is very devious. Since she left the project she is messaging my fiance daily which he is replying and keeps asking him to meet her alone to go horse racing. She said no-one is else is welcome. When he was single she used to ask to meet him to discuss the project, he said when they met up they never discussed the project. She has asked him multiple times to meet alone since he was in relationship and knows he is in one which I don't think is appropriate as it is clear she does not want to talk about the project. He refuses to meet with her and has not done since we have been together. He said he does not fancy her. He said if she wants to meet I will be going with him.

My fiance keeps replying to this toxic woman yet didn't reply to messages from people about going through bereavement of a mutual friend they had.

She is clearly untrustworthy. I'm just disappointed in his priorities.

What do you mean priorities. It’s not your call who he talks to. Unless you think he’s wanting to shag her , then he’s a grown up, he can respond to whom he wish, he’s not your young child; give over

It all sounds very dull and childish. I'd keep well out of it if I were you.

So it's ok for him to ignore people who have sent him personal messages they have sent as they are upset about a bereavement of a close mutual friend yet reply to someone who has tried to sabotage his project?

He can decide who he replies to, yes.

You're being as childish as she is.

You can suggest he block her, but otherwise it's not your choice. She's clearly dodgy and he might be worried about what she will do if she blocks him.

He can be in contact with whoever he likes. You might not like it, but that's not the point.

You sound exasperated with him, tbh. Maybe time to call it a day?

Sounds to me like he's keeping his enemy closer which isn't a bad thing to do.

I get it's refrigerating for you bit I'd be frustrating by her behaviour amd not his, which I guess you are, you just feel (I assume) that he isn't setting appropriate boundaries. However the fact he is sharing the messages with you and says he won't meet her alone is a good sign.

If I were feeling mischievous, I'd be suggesting that he does meet with her and you go along too. That might put a stop to it.

Frustrating not refrigerating. Obviously 🙄

I know where you are coming from as she could try and do more damage. Its frustrating as he ignored another friend who was going through a hard time too.

I don't see why he needs to reply quickly and daily though. He has a lot going on in his personal life as he might be made redundant but he isn't looking for jobs etc which he should be focusing on right now (not focusing me) or replying to random people.

This sums up the sort of people that get involved in community groups... And why most sensible people stay well clear.

Your husband can message who he wants and when, no? As long as nothing wrong is taking place I don't see the issue, even if he has got his priorities wrong, it doesn't affect you so just leave him to it. Clearly if you suspect she's trying to come onto him, then address that separately.

As for the rest of your post, @Catapultaway put it very succinctly;

This sums up the sort of people that get involved in community groups... And why most sensible people stay well clear.

Is he enjoying the drama it creates.

does he love relying all the he said, she said twaddle to you.

im the chair of a large community charity and there can be drama. But I deal with it. I don’t engage and encourage it by not blocking twerps like this woman.

he’s allowing it to continue. He’s using it as an excuse.

Absolutely spot on. I have enough friends and don't need this project. I find most of his drama is caused by these community projects. The people can be passive aggressive or odd.

I agree. He could stop this drama by blocking or not responding but chooses not to. It's like he is scared of he. He must not have faith in his project if he is trying to latch onto her still.

She sounds a bit vindictive. I have known people like that. They will throw everyone under the bus, including themselves, by acting on emotions rather than clear thoughts. There seems to be no rationale to it. You should perhaps advise him to never meet her one to one. If she isn't getting what she wants from him (say attention or romantic interest), then she could accuse him of anything and it could end up a very difficult situation. Every time he replies to her then he is fuelling her intentions towards him (whatever that is). She has already demonstrated what sort of person she is. For what it is worth, I run a community group and we have had some interesting admin helpers over the years. Mostly lovely well intended people, but had to get rid of a few who have caused so much drama and conflict. It takes time aware from the community interventions having to micro-manage people in that way. Some people are warmongers who are inclined to power play, sadly. That affects group objectives if left unchecked.

As scoobydoo said I would be advising him to not meet her on his own as I would worry she could turn on him and accuse him of something.

It all sounds very odd and I wonder if he is enjoying the drama a bit. Well, that's up to him but it doesn't have to impact you. Maybe say to him that you're really bored of her now, and you don't want to hear any more about her messages, invites or drama.

As pp have said, it is up to him who he talks to. You compared it with a bereaved friend who he's ignored. If that's what he's like with his friends, that would be a bigger concern to me. Do you suspect that he actually likes this woman, or enjoys her drama in some way that makes her more interesting to him than the friend?

I know he has some difficulties of his own right now but it really surprised me he has ignored a few people close to him going through difficulties. Some called him out on it too. I want a man who supports his friends and doesn't turn his back on them.

I think he secretly loves the drama as some of his exes not all of them but some were quite nasty and abusive. He doesn't value himself at times and allows himself to be mistreated. He probably finds it boring with me as I am kind and caring and there is no drama like he is used to.

It doesn't sound like you like him very much. Why are you with him?

Are you able to talk to him openly like you are here? Ask him to see it from your perspective (and be open to seeing it from his). Ultimately, if this is who he is, you may decide you don't want to live that way.