Am I right to still be angry with my dad?

[Extracustard]

Hi,

I've always had an awkward relationship with my dad. He was always been there physically and I knew he loved me, but he never really bothered with me. He never really spoke/speaks to me. Doesn't seem to be interested in me. Just wants to know the absolute basics - I.e. am I well, happy etc, but the truth is, growing up, a lot of the time I wasn't and I'm realising more and more as I get older, that his behaviour and our relationship had a lot to do with it.

He's now in his mid 70's and when him and my mum visit, he will just sit there completely removed with his eyes closed, making little to no effort. He doesn't want to speak to me and I can not get my head around this. I have no doubt he has mental health issues, as do I, but this kind of detachment bloody hurts. I haven't done anything wrong. I always look out for, ask after him, but it's never reciprocated.

At his age, I'm much more aware of time and I honestly don't think things will change, so is there any point in trying to find out why he is like this?

I have forgiven a lot and have some really bad memories and sometimes I don't feel like he deserves my forgiveness, but then I think to myself he was always there in person, always worked hard to keep us comfortable as a family and so many people don't have that. I can't ignore this feeling though. It hurts too much.

I suppose I'm desperate to feel like he's actually interested in me. I don't think that's too much to ask really. Or maybe it is.

Any advice would be really welcomed. Struggling a lot with this recently.

Thank you for reading.

I have forgiven a lot and have some really bad memories and sometimes I don't feel like he deserves my forgiveness, but then I think to myself he was always there in person, always worked hard to keep us comfortable as a family and so many people don't have that.

This was for a long time was the minimum standard for male parenting. He basically gave you what he was told to. That emotional detachment is very common (and very damaging).

The problem with parents and children is that when they could have changed and done something, we weren't old enough to ask or developed enough to know. So we process it later. And by that time, really the heavy lifting of parenting has either happened or not.

Speaking for myself, I had to go through the anger and hurt, but didn't really involve them. I did tell them a couple of times but that results in incredulity from my dad and tears from my mum (who makes it about her). There's no closure or apology or acknowledgement, just hurt. It wasn't about emotional attachment in my case (although my dad is emotionally distant). But the principle is the same.

Forgiveness is for you, not them. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I hope you work past it.

All you can do realistically is therapy for yourself to come to terms with not getting the nurturing that you needed. He is never going to be the father that you hope for. The chances are that that is how he was raised: big boys don’t cry and all that. All his emotions are shut down and he probably thinks he’s doing a good job by never showing any emotion.
It’s great that you acknowledge how well he supported your family growing up, but also you could address the hurt child that never got any meaningful hugs, conversations.

There's no right or wrong with feelings. You have to respect how you feel, and respond in a way that's respectful to you.

You're angry; how would you like to resolve that, given your current situation?

I felt a lot better when I accepted them as they are, not as I wanted them to be.
They can't be different to who they are.

My mum is useless, better avoided. My dad was better, but he deferred to her and she was always put first which is fundamentally unsatisfactory in the long run.

You sound as though you are still seeking his approval.

Once I got past that, life got better.

I'd suggest you reparent yourself. Say to yourself all the stuff he didn't say, buy yourself little gifts, be kind to yourself.

And just go through the motions of being polite with them, if that's all they have to offer.

My father was and is very similar. He's just not interested in how I am, where I work, who my friends are. Never has been. He's also mid 70's in age. He did the bare minimum when I was growing up and thought that was enough. My mum has passed away and so hes on his own now and expects me to be free to spend one of my days off a week with him and I'm just not interested in doing so as we have never spent any time together in the past. It's awkward.

Do you know what his childhood was like? I don’t mean you have to tell us on this thread but I wonder if he is modelling his own father / parent and doesn’t know how to be another way. That doesn’t make his behaviour fine but it might help you feel a bit more at peace with it.

^^^. THIS !!!

Both my parents are like this their interested in me stopped when I started secondary school after years (35) of trying to get them to be interested I stopped as it was too painful and all felt fake you can’t change how someone else is just accept it and make sure you are not the same with your children. My husband doesn’t leave for work every day until he has hugged ours and told them he loved them my dad went to work and never even said bye , has never wished me a happy birthday never even signed his own name in a greetings card (although he is totally controlled but therein lies a different take)

It’s not a matter of right or wrong. Your feelings are valid. It is better dealt with within yourself, with a therapist - you can’t change him. But what hurts certainly hurts, and you’re not “wrong”

It sounds like he’s one of those dads who couldn’t really cope with fatherhood. You only have to look at a few MN threads to see that this isn’t uncommon.
Whatever the reason for this extreme detachment, I would not tolerate a close relative visiting my home and not only saying nothing, but sitting there with their eyes closed. That kind of rudeness can’t be put down to poor mental health unless he’s very ill indeed. He was emotionally neglectful when you were a child, and this performance of I-don’t-want-to-be-here is rubbing it in. You’re an adult, you can choose not to invite someone who does this into your home. He’s demonstrating his neglect all over again and you don’t have to accept it - you have the power to reject him now.

Thank you for your replies.

I guess the general consensus is that my feelings are valid, but that things are unlikely to change.

Regarding his childhood, he had a very loving mother, but she was also very anxious and was quite hard work I think. Wonderful nanna though. His dad was a bit removed I think. Don't think there were many/any hugs and I know my dad has A LOT of anger, but he seems angry with everything. He has NC with his siblings, who I always assumed were arseholes tbh, but the more I find out, the more I wonder if he just pushed them away and almost resented their existence right from the start.

Sometimes I wonder if the same is true of me. As I have said, I know 100% he loves me and he'd be devastated if I cut him out, but it's like just knowing I'm alive and being in the same room occasionally is enough. It's not enough for me.

@FictionalCharacter you're right. That behaviour is beyond rude and I can't believe he does it.

Do you have any siblings and if so, what is he like with them?

@AutumnDragon I have a couple, yes. They had a slightly different relationship with him when we were growing up, but I think now are finding him more difficult. One is very much in the 'he is who he is' camp though.

Have you talked to your mum about this? She must see how he acts when he's at yours.

@AutumnDragon yep, lots of times. I think she also feels very neglected though, so try not to burden her too much with it. Whenever I bring it up with my dad, he'll either get really angry with himself, calling himself useless, rubbish and the like, but nothing will change afterwards or he'll be silently angry with me. He'll just sit and seeth with narrowed eyes. Maybe that anger is still angled at himself, but given the way he looks at me, it feels very much aimed at me.

Id also ask your mum as previously suggested.

I grew up without my dad and had problems with my mum. I sought therapy and it was suggested she had narcissistic traits.

Everything was about her and she would get very offended over nothing and everything. She would then sulk if she wasn’t the centre of attention.

She expected to sit at the head of the table, to be served first, to constantly be deferred to. I believe she thought she should be treated as if she was the Queen bestowing her presence on her lowly subjects.

we once went to a BBQ held by another family member. My mother hadn’t seen my dd for quite some time. My dd was around 10 years and was excited to see her other cousins after a long time. My mother commented that she hadn’t spoken to my dd at all that day, because my dd didn’t go over to my mother.

Is it possible that your dad is quietly sitting seething in his corner offended by imagined wrongs?

There's a good book, pretty old so the reads each my not be up to date, How your anger hurts your child. Have a look. It may help you look at your feelings.

Just looked! When Anger Hurts Your Kids.