Moving from Married to Divorced

[ConfusedHusband100]

Was not sure of here or the Divorce section...

Been together 19 years and 2 kids (teens). Normal up and down relationship with a few challenges but always overcome. Last couple of years things have not been right, probably fell out of love, lots of silly arguments leading to bigger ones, lots of ignoring each other and stuff like that. Last year in a way we led separate lives with us doing lots as a 4 or individually but not as a 2.

She says she wants a divorce, not in love any more and will be happier on her own. Seems to feel a bit 'held back' by being married and doesn't see things changing. She checked out probably 6 months ago, so is a lot calmer than me and is very focussed on moving on, getting info on new house etc.. This has hit me as I never realised how much I loved her. After a painful couple of weeks she has now told her friends and family and me mine so there is no going back.

On the positive side (while I am struggling in my head to accept) I know this is the end and we are both 100% committed to doing things right for the kids. Both want to stay very close location wise so easy for kids to nip round any house, friends etc... and to do 50/50. We really want to maintain a positive relationship for them. We have been getting on really well even though we have talked about the house and initially finances (could come back to be an issue though). We have a holiday booked for Easter hols which we plan to go on as a family. Still sharing bed etc...

On the negative side, this is super emotional for me and at times really struggle with keeping it together. She is ill at the moment with covid so am fussing around her and probably driving her mad. I reckon it will be like this for 3-4 months, maybe a bit more which we are happy with and if one of our new houses are ready later than planned we are happy with each other living with the other till that's sorted.

So in a way it seems perfect but I am finding this super hard emotionally and really worried something may change, either with financials, or just getting on top of us. We can't live separately unless we have to crash at friends house which neither want. I keep wanting to offer a hug but know this is not fair. Has anyone been in similar situation and has any advice on how to cope.

This sounds very hard for you OP - not "perfect" at all, more like torture for you!

One thing stands out:
she has now told her friends and family and me mine so there is no going back.
Surely you mean that there is no going back because she has made it clear what she wants? Whether you have told any friends or family is irrelevant; if you both wanted to be together, of course you could. I guess that what you mean is that now everyone knows, you are finally starting to feel that it's real?

If that's the case, then it ties in with the other issue I see here, and that is that you are still acting like partners even though you are separating. That will be horrible for the "dumpee" (sorry, but you know what I mean). It's not fair on you, and you don't have to do it if it's too hard. Have you got a spare bedroom? Can she ask someone else on holiday with her?

You sound like you are getting your head around it and accept what is happening.

Please, please don’t do what my stbxh has done:blow hot and cold, angry and calm, mean and then act like he can’t do enough for me. Bombard me with alternative plans that keep changing, contact me about nothing at all.

I guess the crux of the problem is that he was very controlling and my love for him died by a thousand cuts. He says he still loves me, but doesn’t accept any blame for his part in this. He blames me totally. I’ve tried to tell him as nicely as possible what the problems are but he just can’t seem to ‘hear’.

It may be that your marriage was nothing like mine, but if you say she has already checked out, then any emotional fallout directed at her will probably only alienate her.

It may be she is more at fault than you or vice versa. But at this stage it no longer matters.

It understandable you feel emotional, but for the sake of your children you need to stay on good terms.

Turn to a close friend or relative or even a therapist to help you through this.

I have had to move out and block his number. If he had been as accepting as you sound things could have been so different.

Staying on good terms is the best for all. But it doesn't mean that you have to go on holiday or sleep in a bed with someone who has dumped you, making you feel miserable just to maintain the image of a happy family.

Just to be clear:

1. In reply to 80s - until she started telling people I just held on to hope she may change her mind, I pretty much knew she wouldn't though. I guess that's when I started to accept it .

thing is I want the family holiday, love the fact we can still sleep in same bed - but it just makes me realise what I have lost!

2. Isheabastard - I think for her it was death by 1000 cuts too, probably for me too as last couple of years were not the best and we just went through motions. I do wish one or both of us had grabbed the issue a year ago but I think I just had my head in the sand hoping it would go away! In all honesty I was probably 60-65% to blame and totally accepted all that. That's the other thing - I am just consumed with regret. I did joke to her it would be easier if I didn't have that!! But for me the key thing is the kids and making sure she is ok too. Have had a couple of wobble calls to her but overall we are not having any issues.

I did talk to a friend the other day who had been through similar and he said that he was the same and that after a while (when he started new relationship) he realised that he wasn't in love like he thought he was. I can't decide for me if that's true of if I am more scared of the thought of being alone and all that comes with it.

thing is I want the family holiday, love the fact we can still sleep in same bed - but it just makes me realise what I have lost!
Of course you love it, which is why she should really be the one to suggest a different arrangement ... perhaps she is still clinging on to the familiar, or is just so used to this setup that it feels normal, but isn't it giving you mixed signals? Shreds of hope that it might stay this way?

However you do it, there will always be a messy time when you are half together, half apart. I found it much, much easier once my exh had left. Be nice to one another, but don't drag it out longer than necessary.
Perhaps your friend really wasn't that much in love; perhaps his subconscious has found a way to make him feel better about it ending; perhaps he's comparing a long-term relationship with an exciting new thing. Rewriting history is very common, and not always just about a cheat finding excuses for their behaviour. Sometimes it's a different form of self-protection.

We did this, separated, went on holiday as a family still, he left to a flat nearby, came round regularly, moved back in for lockdowns. And it all went swimmingly, we got on better, I felt like I could handle the separation (which hadn't been my choice) because we were just friendly co parents who could still hang out together and be a family with the kids.
But in the background he was dating like a mad thing and soon got a new partner and everything changed.

I then regretted that we hadn't set more boundaries at the outset because it all felt very different then.
So be wary of this and don't get too comfortable with what you see as this 'new normal' - unless you will feel fine about her meeting someone else and another man being thrown into the mix.