HELP 19MO and DH meltdowns

[TantrumHelp]

I am both ashamed and furious at my husband 31 here lately . Normally he is the voice of reason in our home. Normally he is the one talking sense into ME 32. But lately it is as if something inside him snapped and he lost all good sense.

I am trying to remain calm and rational as our 19 month old has hit an obvious growth spurt and sleep regression. I’m used to this by now. It’s tough but I’m now in a routine with it. She is cutting teeth but there is definitely something different about this one because she now throws full blown tantrums. Her vocabulary has also exploded so I think it’s just one of those huge development phases of her life where they are a bit more difficult.

The thing is the tantrums are new for me so I’m trying to develop a parenting strategy on how to handle them.

Husband on the other hand while usually he handles the sleep regressions well seems to resent her for this suddenly. I really honestly don’t know what to say to him. I literally don’t think she’s doing it intentionally. There was one time she stayed up and played but the other times she didn’t sleep she actually seemed tired but physically could not. I think the growth spurts actually give her insomnia and I tried to explain this to my husband but he was still annoyed. Fair enough sleep regressions are hard and he’s the working parent. So I try to tell myself that he’s just upset because he’s going to work on little to no sleep.

But here is where the real problem lies. When our daughter throws a tantrum it’s usually when I am watching her. She doesn’t (or has not had the opportunity to) throw tantrums when her dad is watching her. (I’m a stay at home parent so I have her more often) But recently she was throwing a tantrum after I told her not to go near the litter box and while I was trying to manage the situation husband comes out and quite frankly throws an even bigger tantrum. Literally full grown man screaming at her with everything he has. Daughter was terrified. I was terrified. I told him to knock it off.

He was then ashamed calmed down. Apologized to daughter and me and hugged baby and wiped her tears. But this is the third time this has happened. I thought the first and second time was just him being unusually stressed but now that it’s happened a third time I realize we need to have a sit down and talk about it. The thing is I don’t know what to say that he doesn’t already know. He seems very very ashamed and disgusted with himself afterwards so he’s obviously self aware that it is wrong.

I have PTSD and I live with it everyday. So dealing with toddler tantrums is already hard. But I’m the adult in the situation and I know I have to manage my emotions when she does this. But I feel like husband undoes everything I’m trying to teach her when he loses it like this. I’m trying to teach her to take deep breaths and manage her emotions. I also feel a bit undermined as he seems to think I’m not handling it. He takes it personally that she’s yelling “ALL DOOOOOONNEE” at me and tells her not to shout at her mother. But she is still 1 years old. She can’t be reasoned with like that yet. But I also just feel frustrated because he’s in the other room. Like what compels him to leave if he’s already upset? Just stay in there and keep your own emotions in check!

I am left shaking and everything is worse and then I have to calm a traumatized baby. So the opportunity for a lesson to managing anger is lost for her and now she’s managing her fear and sadness instead. I’m been teaching her breathing exercises when she’s frustrated with her toys and it’s been working. It’s actually kind of funny because she makes hilarious breathing noises when she does it. I was wanting to do the same thing when the tantrums cool down a bit but I’ve literally not got the opportunity. Maybe I should be teaching DH breathing exercises too. 😑😢

Anyways if anyone could offer any suggestions for managing toddler tantrums that would be great. I do like reading parenting self help books. I was thinking about picking up a guide on tantrum management so any suggestions are welcome!

Also good, suggestions on grown man tantrums? Lol? 😭😰 Bad joke. I just need help figuring out what to say. What do I tell him? How do I put a stop to this? The family is in absolute chaos and we need order again.

"DH, you losing your temper at a one year old child is unacceptable. It is terrifying for her & me, & it undoes all the work I have been doing to teach her how to manage her own, developmentally normal, tantrums.
You've done this 3 times now, & I can't take a 4th. I'm scared & despairing, & it's not the way I want to live. I can't stop you turning into a bad-tempered, terrifying monster, but if it happens again I can remove myself from the source, & I will - if you cannot control yourself, I will leave you. So I suggest you see your GP & get some help in managing your emotions like an adult, because I refuse to let you unleash that temper at DD, or me, again."

What do you think has changed? Is he getting less sleep, does he have more going on at work? I remember about this age, my 2nd child came along. For a while, I thought my 1st child was being naughtier than before, then I realised it was actually just the additional stress from the new baby making me knackered. Once I'd worked that out, it really helped.

while I was trying to manage the situation husband comes out and quite frankly throws an even bigger tantrum.
As above, discusss it when you are both calm first. Suggest that he could go in another room to calm down if he starts to feel stressed. And if there is any sign of it happening again, get up at this point, get in front of dc and firmly say to dh "In the other room! We need to talk!" - leave the room and dc briefly, have a hissed "WTF" conversation where she can't hear, and get him to piss off if possible.

@KettrickenSmiled
@80s
Thank you both for your suggestions. @80s He recently graduated and has been dealing with a lot of billing issues from his university and they are giving him the run around. I suspect this may be playing a role. He’s also been putting a lot of energy into applying for jobs and building his resume. He does watch her quite a bit when he’s not working and I’ve been offering to watch her more during his time off so he can work on that but he seems determined to burn the candle at both ends.

I think this may be the source of his resentment because he feels pressure to manage her at night when she does not sleep because in the past I confess he caught me falling asleep or nodding off when she does not sleep good. He’s work at home so he checks in on us during his work breaks. I’ve suggested taking turns with her at night but he’s not comfortable with that idea either.

I do like your suggestion of standing between them both. I think it will be hard for me. My dad was very… violent growing up and it goes against my instincts a bit because I’ve been conditioned that standing between a man and his source of anger is essentially asking for a black eye but I need to protect my baby and show my husband that he can’t behave this way.

I will have a serious talk with him later tonight about his behaviour. I need him to support me by controlling his temper and modeling good emotional regulation for our daughters sake. And NOT scaring us nearly to death with his outbursts.

he feels pressure to manage her at night when she does not sleep because in the past I confess he caught me falling asleep or nodding off
With her in your arms, do you mean? Or what was the problem? As long as you're not snoring away with her squashed under you in your bed or passing out and dropping her on the floor (which seems unlikely at 19 months), it's normal for a tired parent to nod off when a child is quiet enough for them to do so. Just make sure she's safe, have your snooze and she'll wake you up if she wants. Her crying for a few seconds because you've fallen asleep is not bad parenting. Him screeching at a baby because he's deliberately getting too little sleep is.

Are her tantrums triggering something from his own childhood? What are his parents like? What kind of relationship did he have with his own Dad?

DH fuck off and leave you are traumatising me and your child.

I had an appalling childhood and have weathered three toddlers and managed to keep calm and reasonable.

Ask him if he can control his temper. Tell him if it ever happens again he has to leave. He is frightening your baby. He is lying down negative experiences that will be forever etched on her brain, even if she isn't consciously aware of them.

He is abusing his child. If you don't protect her then you are failing her.

I'm sorry, this is awful for you, but you have to be strong for her.

Thing is, she can't control what she's feeling - she's a baby. He can - and there is no excuse for what he is doing. We all have work stress, get tired.

It's a strong word to use, but it is abuse to stand and scream at a young child. And the only person who can protect her from that is you. I would be telling him that the next time he does this will be the last, but that will only work if you follow it through...

@80s the nodding off usually happens during the day while she is playing in the living room we have a baby gate up to keep her out of rooms that are unsafe. Though sometimes she does manage to get into things she’s not supposed to because she is smart. She’s already figured out how to unlatch certain child locks for instance.

@junebirthdaygirl he has no memory of his father. His mother left him very early in his life because he was a drug addict. His mother was very neglectful and would leave him alone for hours and days at a time even when he was very small. She remarried and then forced him to watch his sister 6 days a week from the day she was born when he was only 14. Signed him up for home schooling and didn’t follow up so that he could watch her more as his mother just went straight back to work as soon as she left the delivery room. He completely missed out on his high school years because of it. When he turned 18 she kicked him out because he met me and that infuriated her. So he didn’t really get much of a childhood. He was very attached to his sister and had that ripped away from him. I think there is definitely some untapped trauma there because he essentially fathered her from birth. He cried for weeks when his mother separated him and his sister. He tried to get in touch but his mother threatened to call the police.

@Minimalme and @Badger1970 you are both right it is abusive. I agree. However I know he can do better because this is very out of character for him. He has demonstrated that once sat down and talked to properly that he can and does change. But regardless he needs to hear from my lips how serious it is. I’ve been thinking about family counseling for awhile because of my PTSD anyways. So I think perhaps he will benefit as well. I do take it very seriously what is happening and appropriate boundaries will be put in place. I just needed a sounding board to properly formulate my thoughts into words so I can tell him how I feel in a well articulated way.

He needs intense counselling. Your toddlers tantrums may be stirring something very deep inside from either his own childhood being neglected or from minding his sister and maybe not able to console her. It's heartbreaking him having such a difficult upbringing but unfortunately if he doesn't deal with it it is going to rebound on your little one.

We have all snapped at screaming kids before because it is stressful, but this is next level. Ultimately yelling at someone is never going to make them calm down. Tantrums are totally normal at this age. Calm time talk needed to understand how he plans to stop this from happening again, as there will certainly be more tantrums. He needs to come up with a solution.

Thank you everyone. I sat him down and had a good long talk with him. We both cried and he said he really hates himself for the way he’s behaving and he agrees with things need to change. I told him what I expect from him and that he’s taking on too much responsibility. I think he learned that from his mom resting so much in his shoulders as a kid.

I’m going to watch her more and he’s going to work less hours at work for now. He’s agreed to family counseling and he said if he hears her tantruming from the other room he will leave the matter to me. He said he wanted to take an anger management class again. I had no idea he had taken one before but he said his school made him do it in middle school and it helped immensely.

I told him I think that would be a fantastic idea so we are looking into classes for him.

That sounds good OP. Another thing he could do is to plan a different way he can react when he is in that situation. What he can say/do - plan it in some detail. Going away is better than yelling, but he can't do that in the long term: he'll need to actually look after her himself, be a proper dad. My mother's reaction was always to shout/slap, and when I was confronted with a "naughty" child, I didn't want to do that but I had no idea what else to do. My gut reaction was "Stop that OR..." - what? I'll hit you? I worked out that I could end it "I'll be very annoyed" instead. In the end I developed a "mum look" and firm attitude that meant I didn't have to say anything, but simply having an alternative thing to say was helpful at first.