When you get bad feelings about somebody "everybody" likes

[chngdforthis]

As I'm a generally anxious person, I don't unquestioningly trust my gut, but I feel uncomfortable beyond my "regular" anxiety, if that makes sense...

Whats your experience with not liking somebody that's very popular or "perfect on paper"? Might not be a dangerous person, but you seem to be in the minority finding them disingenuous or not trustworthy.

If you're also anxious or nervous, how do you handle your gut feelings and know when to trust them or not?

You don’t have to like or trust them. If you don’t want to be their friend or do anything which requires you to put your trust in them and anyone questions it then you just say “oh, Brenda and I are just very different people / we’ve never really clicked” and leave it at that.

I’m nearly always right and a few months/years down the line they end up being a dick or doing something dickish!

I guess it depends on the context. You can’t be in a relationship with someone like that but if it’s a colleague or a friends/relatives partner then it’s nothing to do with you and you don’t need to bother much with them

I know on Mumsnet people always say "Trust your gut", and in a dark alley that is good advice, but in a long term social situation I think it is important to unpick why you don't like a person.

Maybe they are loud and a bit too extrovert for your taste (which is fine), maybe they remind you of someone who is a definite arsehole (which is understandable), maybe there is something genuinely problematic about their behaviour, in which case you will be able to identify it if you really think. Maybe they are not very friendly towards you, which is not going to make you like them of course. Maybe you have heard them being bitchy or critical or dishonest, in which case you have every reason to have bad feelings about them.

Basically, if there is a good reason to have reservations about them, you can probably name it.

You don’t have to like everyone and equally, not everyone will like you

it doesn’t matter

Usually you aren't the only one who feels that way but everyone is reserving judgment until further information appears. IME people like that are always true to type. Usually you bank against the worst and take everything at face value until they show the other side.

I have found out that, quote often, these people are not liked by "everyone" at all.

I remove people from my life if I feel that their motives are wrong and I've never done so without at least one other person I believed liked them telling me they also had reservations about them or they had done things against them too.

Some people just have a higher tolerance for it than others.

More context needed, OP. How well do you know this person? How well do you know the 'everyone' who claims to like them without reservation, and how well do these people know the individual we're talking about? I would absolutely trust my judgement over anyone else's, every time, but I honestly don't see what the issue is, unless you're being coerced into a situation in which you need to place trust in them.

For instance, if it's a matter of letting them look after your child, I'd be extremely wary and vet like crazy..

Always trust your initial instincts.
Everyone loved my ex.
My first impressions of him were thatnhe appeared quite shady, sullen and a little calculating.
I was told he was wonderful and started seeing him in that light very soon after my initial impressions of him.
Turns out that my initial impressions were spot on.

I had this with a group of 'women' some years ago. One was loved by them all but there was something about her I could not put my finger on. I NEVER discuss people with others unless I feel it necessary but I felt necessary to discuss my feelings about this one to my own best friend who had nothing to do with her. It took a couple of years but she showed her true colours. Pure fucking evil this one and naturally in a position of power. I walked away and never looked back. She has shown her true self to a few people now but I felt like I was going mad at the time.

Every time I disliked a popular person at work was because I felt jealous of them.
Same with popular people at school, I resented how easy they seemed to find everything and how loved they were by everyone. I had shockingly low self esteem.

I know someone like this. My spidey senses pricked-up straight away, though there was nothing outward you could point to. My feelings haven't changed over time so I'm sticking to the belief I'm not wrong. I've just avoided the hassle of being caught up in something.

I've been in your situation. A workmate, many years ago. Everyone seemed to love them, think they were a 'cheeky chappy' life and soul type. I don't often take against people, so it surprised me to realise that I couldn't agree with everyone else's love of this person. I wasn't comfortable around them. They didn't come across as genuine to me. Their jokes seemed to be laughing AT other people rather than with them.

I kept my thoughts quiet, as a) everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and it was just my opinion, and b) there was nothing to be gained from disagreeing with people about it. I just made sure that I didn't spend any more time than I had to with them. Otherwise I was polite and professional.

A few things have happened since which have confirmed my feelings to me, and one or two people have commented that he wasn't who they thought he was.

I've still never mentioned I never liked him.

I'd always trust your gut... But.. go through a checklist first.

Is it some form of jealousy?
Is it because everyone pays them attention?
Is it because they're loud
Etc etc

We all have likes and dislikes of these types of things to one degree or another but once you've ticked off all of those and rationalised it, then it's back to your gut feeling.

However, those who say they only go with their gut ultimately just end up with confirmation bias. Every single person is a dick sometimes, if it's someone you decided you didn't like at first, it's very easy to say 'i told you so' while letting another person you do like get away with exactly the same behaviour.

After finding out a friend who I had grown quite fond of and thought we were pretty close had done a dick move on me (think large purchase - got gazumped - very snakey told me to put lower offer in) my DH at the time said 'bows, you think everyone is lovely until you eventually find out they're a prick, how about thinking everyone is a prick until you find out they're lovely' it really hit home because I'd never realised how soft and trusting in people (probably everyone) I was. Now I am way more cautious of new folk around me and trust very few, even popular people, I get disappointed way less.

It’s probably low esteem and jealousy

Suspected the jealousy argument would come up, and I find it tiring how that always seem to come up when you don't like a person, famous or not... I've appreciated several popular/attractive/wealthy persons, so I don't think it can be just that.

Admit that I can be a bit guarded because of anxiety and trust isses. Associations to someone from the past is very likely. If I should put my finger on something, I'd say they seem quite pushy, and some of that "fun and cheerful" attitude seems calculated. Get very different "vibes" from them than from other really outgoing people I've met.

It's not someone I'm very close to yet, but they might want to be closer, and I might not get out of being around them for a while.

Thanks for all your replies!

DH and I took an instant dislike to fiancé of DS. We didn’t trust him and knew him to be a liar and too smarmy to be true. Unfortunately we were right - he was an abuser. By the time she admitted it and left him she was in a terrible state. My parents thought he was wonderful, and the best SiL of the three.

Well I was just saying what it was for me, I wasn't saying you're jealous of them. I too can feel no jealousy towards a successful attractive person but it's specific people that have qualities that I have which I've had to hide or play down because it's been drummed to me that these qualities are too much or too annoying, but then this person has something that reminds me of myself and they are well liked despite or sometimes because of it it makes me feel resentful because I too could have been this popular and well liked but was told to guard and mask certain aspects of myself.
I've never been a good judge of character and the only time I trust my gut is in life or death scenarios, when it comes to children or sexual/romantic partners. Anything else it's usually for me because they remind me of something I hate about myself, remind me of someone I dislike or I'm jealous of something about them.

This has happened to me a couple of times. In both cases, I later realised the person didn't like me. Once due to a misunderstanding, the other time due to feeling I was in a place they wanted to occupy within the group.
So while everyone else liked these people, I was actually seeing something different in them. A tone, a glance, subtle hostility or dismissivenes. 'Spidey senses' are after all just signals we're picking up about the person from their facial expressions, body language, sometimes subconsciously. So it's possibly these otherwise lovely people are just not being lovely to you.
On the other hand, some people are more attuned to the nuances, so if you often see a person's 'true colours' before others do, you might just be extra perceptive.

Sometimes people remind me of someone else for good reason - for example because they share strong narcissistic tendencies. I think once you've had first hand experience of a certain type, you are more attuned to it than people who haven't had that experience.

I am always very perceptive in this situation and my first instinct tends to be right! It is extremely frustrating if you can see the " real" person but everyone else thinks they are wonderful!

Sometimes it's a case of keep your friends close and your enemies closer......I doubt as many people as you think like them, they are just playing the social game and keeping them in plain sight.
Most people are relatively tuned in to others behaviour, gut instinct is not some special spidey sense that only some special people have.

I am from the school of thought that everyone is an arsehole until proven otherwise. Unfortunately I have been proven right more times than wrong.

IME the people who love these people usually fall into one or all of the below:
Not actually nice people either
Don't trust them but keep their opinions quiet/slag them off behind their back
People who like to see the good in everyone for some reason I will never fathom

I work with someone who 'everyone loved'. In reality, no one liked him. They just knew he was the bosses favourite so kept quiet in the office.