Am I being gaslit?

[Lostforexplanation]

I am so confused. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Been married a long time. In the main, no major problems. About 3 years ago, DH began experiencing ED, eventually came to light he had developed an unhealthy porn compulsion over many years, this directly impacted on our sex life (and not just the ED, but his preferences, criticism of me, issuing of instructions etc). The impact on my confidence and self esteem has been pretty severe. I was completely oblivious to how his watching porn had escalated over the years.

This has been puncuated by flat out denials he has looked at this, this is important later, until eventually admitting it.

He made commitments to stop looking at porn to see if this would help our sex life. This never happened in reality happened and he also started looking at content on social media as well as standard porn sites, including individual profiles.

I'll be honest, I have given up. Clearly I am not enough and my feelings irrelevant.

Then the reason for my post. I found a series of photos on his phone of another woman.

Fully clothed, inocuous enough comparatively I suppose-around 10 in total, taken in 2 sets about an hour apart on the same day. I confronted him about them. He flat out denies he even took them! They are in focus and on some zoomed in of the same person! The phone would have had to have been held up to take them. Regardless, he denies all knowledge of them but cannot explain how they arrived on his phone. He knows the woman and was with that person at a meeting on the day they were taken (100% are photos taken not downloaded).

Woman in photos btw doesnt seem to realise these have been taken. This also makes me really uncomfortable for her!

I don't know what to believe. Am I being stupid? Am I over reacting by being upset?

I think you're being gaslit. One chance in a million is it ever the case that stuff accidentally shows up on your phone, messages were unknowingly sent etc etc.

Sounds like he has a crush on this lady and he's simply flat out denying it for fear of retribution. Although, the fact they're pictures from afar suggests nothing has happened yet, he's just being creepy :)

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, you mentioned that he lied before then finally admitted to wrong doing so it seems very likely he is lying in this scenario too. I think he has got too comfortable and is taking you for granted. Might be good for you to get away for a bit and have a think about whether to cut your loses? Wishing you all the best.

Hello lovely, do you actually want to save this relationship? I wouldnt. X

Regardless, he denies all knowledge of them but cannot explain how they arrived on his phone.

This is complete bollocks. OF COURSE he knows how they turned up on his phone, it wasn't by magic. You can't move on from this until he has an honest conversation with you. Don't let him brush it off and pretend it never happened.

Thank you for replying. I just feel so lost. We have DC and I really have no family or anything so can't go anywhere realistically. I want to believe him, but how can I?

I think he will leave. When I told him how unhappy I was (there is obviously a lot I haven't posted) he said he would leave in a few weeks-this was when I was saying I did not believe these photos magically appeared.

Sounds like it's over and been over for a while...

Why would you want to stay with a porn addict. He won't change its vile. All this will do is destroy you. He is now taking photos of women without their knowledge. He obviously had a serious problem which will probably escalate. It's predatory behaviour I hope he keeps his word and leaves. You will have a chance of a happy relationship and a new life. Good luck.

Yeah he 100% took them pictures, the creep.

He has some serious issues and needs to get professional help, which is easier said than done.
If he has a porn addiction, is unable to respond to sex in real life and is secretly stalking another woman, there is a potential for this getting serious.
Are there any other signs of worrying behaviour, like women's clothing or getting new camera equipment? Is he spending time driving round town in the evenings?
Can you persuade him to see his GP and be honest about the problems?
It might well be time to consider ending the relationship. It can't be healthy for you in this position.

If he says he will leave I would let him. He’s not fighting for the relationship and you finding out has not been a wake up call for him. I believe he has already checked out

This man is a creep.

He’s a porn addicted, creepy predator.

‘(and not just the ED, but his preferences, criticism of me, issuing of instructions etc)’

From this line I also get the feeling he is abusive.

You are worth so much more, your children deserve to see their mum treated with respect and kindness and treating herself with respect and kindness.

And yes he’s lying about those pics, what a dirty creep!

I feel sick. I expected people to tell me I was being stupid and over reacting.

There have been no changes in behaviour, no. He did suggest someone else might have taken the pictures. No idea how this is possible.

The porn thing has gone through stages of improving, we have had good times too in the past 3 years as well, we do still have sex -its not a sexless marriage.

I don't think anyone else would want to be in a relationship with me, so I guess I am prepared to put up with some things. I dont want to be alone.

Obviously he’s destroyed your self esteem to the extent that you’re desperately trying to excuse his behaviour.

He's treating you appallingly- less gas lighting, more outright lying to your face.

Wake up, he’d rather be a wanking voyeur than make effort in a healthy loving relationship. What a turn off.

You have options, please don’t believe you’re trapped x

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He has indeed done a bang up job in destroying your self worth and esteem to have you erroneously thinking as you are now.

You’re already very much alone within this marriage. Better to be on your own than to remain so badly accompanied as you are now. Do not make your children a potential reason for staying with this marriage because they will not thank you for doing so.
How can you be helped into less this man?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Dysfunctional, abandonment, shame at being from split parents due to circumstances, betrayal. I didn't have the best childhood to be honest.

I know that makes me sound weak, but I built a life for myself from nothing, I'm not completely pathetic, I promise!

I don’t think you are pathetic or for that matter weak, you are a survivor of a dysfunctional childhood with very low boundaries.

Your parents let you down abjectly and from
that it’s no coincidence you are with someone like this man now.

I can’t go anywhere. I want to believe him

Youre desperately putting your head in the sand and trying to find an innocent explanation.

You're not pathetic, you deserve a bloody medal for tolerating his lies and contempt/criticism/abuse of you for all these years.

Decide what you want.
Do you want to “believe” his lies and carry on like this or not?

Youre in a very unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship.
The casualty of remaining in such a relationship is you- your self esteem is gradually eroded- you feel anxious, depressed and your judgement of your situation becomes skewed- you lose trust in your own instincts.

I don’t want to be alone
Why not? For financial reasons? Because you feel incapable of controlling your own life? You don’t sound ready to leave but it is always an option for anyone. Perhaps accept that possibility and try to visualise it?

Dont minimise his behaviour- he has a foul attitude towards women. You say you occasionally have sex but it sounds awful- he forces you to re enact porn, belittles and crticises you, and blatantly ogles other women on sex sites and in real life.
How degrading for you x

No not financial reasons, financially I would be OK. I am in work shortly, so wont be able to reply for a bit now.

Thank you so much for all the messages and advice. I need to time to process all the good advice given and think. Ive been with him since my teens. Its all I have known.

It's great that financially you would be ok that's huge. Also he is willing to leave which is another very good thing. The fact that you've been with him since your teens explains a lot, you would be starting from scratch in a lot of ways and he has worn you down but it can be an exciting and positive time, the chance to make a new better life for yourself. I have a feeling that once you have your own safe space you will feel like you've been let out of prison and will be massively relieved and much happier.

ps. maybe read this book to help get clearer on whether to stay?
www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay-ebook/dp/B002RI937Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2MK0YQTN2BSO7&keywords=too+good+to+leave+too+bad+to+stay+mira+k&qid=1677686976&sprefix=too+good+to+le%2Caps%2C219&sr=8-1
Probably it would be good not to focus on another relationship right after this one anyway as you need time to heal and might end up with a similar partner if you rush it.

Why do you think it makes you sound weak, having had a difficult childhood? Why would that make anybody sound weak? We learn how to expect to be treated during childhood, and that's how we subsequently treat ourselves. You sound like a text book example of this: my parents dismissed my feelings, put me down, and treated me like I didn't matter, so now, that's what I do to myself and expect from others.

You also said that you built a life for yourself from nothing, you sound like a strong person to me. You may be underestimating yourself and what you're capable of. If you make self respect an important goal and non negotiable then things become clearer. Your child will benefit too as you will be a great role model for them.

He won't change and yes I think he is gaslighting you.

I mean, how do you even argue with someone who just point blank denies something that is so clearly obvious? I've had someone do that to me before and it is not fun. It just leaves you backed into a corner because there is nothing else you can possibly say.

The relationship is over.