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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do Leopards change their spots?

26 replies

Gem2454 · 28/02/2023 22:45

Bit of a strange one but has anyone had an abusive ex that really did change?
I spoke with mine tonight as we’re trying to sell our jointly owned house and he seemed really genuine .
He admitted he’s broken into my car without me knowing to go through my stuff but he knows it was wrong. There’s lots of other stuff he’s done in the past , to much to write down but I just can’t let go completely.

OP posts:
Channellingsophistication · 28/02/2023 22:59

No - any niceness is all part of the manipulation.

MissConductUS · 28/02/2023 23:00

Does he want to get back together? Do you want him back?

People can change, but a knob is a knob.

LetThemEatTurnips · 28/02/2023 23:01

Very very rare, and tbh I think you'd be a fool to trust him again.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/02/2023 23:02

Don’t be daft. He’s abusive. He broke into your car, but because he’s been honest about it this is a good thing?!

No, no, no.

HappyAxolotl · 01/03/2023 00:00

All the past abusive behaviour that he claims he "now knows was wrong"? He knew those things were wrong at the time he did them and it didn't stop him then!

Anyone can claim they have changed. He'll act like a changed man on best behaviour for long enough to hook you in again, then he'll go back to his old abusive ways. It is how abusers work.

Don't go back to him.

Moser85 · 01/03/2023 01:30

Extremely unlikely.
Has he been through intensive therapy??

he seemed really genuine .

They always do.

Don't go back there OP. I'm sure it was hard enough to get free from him the last time.

Eyerollcentral · 01/03/2023 01:45

Gem2454 · 28/02/2023 22:45

Bit of a strange one but has anyone had an abusive ex that really did change?
I spoke with mine tonight as we’re trying to sell our jointly owned house and he seemed really genuine .
He admitted he’s broken into my car without me knowing to go through my stuff but he knows it was wrong. There’s lots of other stuff he’s done in the past , to much to write down but I just can’t let go completely.

Your standard for his behaviour is now so low that you are praising him for admitting he broke in to your car to go through your stuff. No. They can’t change. He is trying to lull you back in to a false sense of security that he is a nice guy which is an incredible way to describe someone breaking in to your car!!!!!! Clearly he isn’t a nice man. You need to do the freedom programme immediately.

LadyJ2023 · 01/03/2023 01:52

No it's called manipulation been there I listened went back not once bit three times and each time the abuse and violence got worse and worse until eventually he got arrested after he put me in hospital..every single time it was promises of changing, he even went to a councilor for a bit to supposedly prove to authorities he was changing, everytime I left he promised all lies would stop etc etc ..and each time we got back together the abuse pretty much always started straight away again...now I'm finally out of it and very very happily married to someone who does treat me like a princess, and now I know how wrong that last relationship actually was

greenspaces4peace · 01/03/2023 02:42

well honestly it really depends.
both men and women mature, different coping strategies can be learned.
and honestly some situations are just too emotionally charged for even the best of humans to "control".
i also think that some couples bring out the worse in each other and when paired with other people can respond differently to difficult situations.
but all of this would be in situations that don't involve serious physical harm.
under no circumstance would i tell anyone to risk injury and stay on the perchance of improvement.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/03/2023 03:46

I've never known abusers to change. They'll be nice with you and show regret for past misdeeds, to get you back on board. It won't take long before you see their real face again. Then it's more years wasted in this 1 life on 1 man who isn't worth your time.

Neveragain85 · 01/03/2023 04:20

No not in my experience

I gave my exh another chance after some time apart but it slowly went back to what it had been & nothing had changed

If you've got to the stage of selling your joint home with him I would carry on & don't look back

CheekyHobson · 01/03/2023 04:26

Yeah, they change all the fucking time, that’s the problem!

First they say they’ve never met anyone like you and you’re the perfect woman.

Then they’re upset because you went out with your friends twice in a week and it seems like you’re not serious about the relationship.

Then he’s buying you a new dress cause you e got a great body and should show it off more.

Then you have a different opinion to him on something and he tells you you’re a stupid cunt who acts like she knows everything but doesn’t have a clue.

Then he’s buying flowers and apologizing because he had a bad week and didn’t mean it, please forgive him.

Then he’s denying he broke into your car and calling you a crazy paranoid bitch.

Then he’s admitting he did it but he knows it was wrong and he wants to make it up to you.

The only thing that doesn’t change about these users is that they will say and do absolutely anything if they think it will get them what they want at that particular moment in time.

BlastedPimples · 01/03/2023 05:17

No. They don't change. Definitely not. Not ever.

I believed my abuser last winter. He then turned his verbal ire onto my dcs when I wasn't around.

He's out of our lives now but is broadcasting a narrative of how abused he was by me!!

category12 · 01/03/2023 05:43

Yes, you can let go completely. It just takes a while and in the meantime you need to avoid traps.

Don't fall for the "but I've changed" thing. It's just trying to reel you back in.

CrystalCoco · 01/03/2023 05:46

Over a period of time, yes, people can change. Especially if they were young at the time and have now 'grown up' - so really it depends how much time we're talking, a couple of months, no, a decade or so, maybe.

From your post (selling jointly owned home) I'd say it's unlikely that enough time has elapsed and their 'new niceness' is (as another PP suggested) just part of the manipulation.

Fraaahnces · 01/03/2023 05:49

No they don’t. He’s telling you that he’s even more toxic than you thought. Barge pole. Don’t touch with.

Chocbuttonsandredwine · 01/03/2023 06:11

The inky genuine thing about his is that he is genuinely a cunt.

Why did he tell you about breaking into the car? Not to make you happy or prove he’s changed… he told you to let you know what he’s capable of, to frighten you and to get a kick out of it…

he hasn’t change. We can tell that from the few sentences you’ve wrote. Sell the house, move on, don’t look back.

I can guarantee you’ll see his mask slip and his abusive side before the house is sold

Nimbostratus100 · 01/03/2023 06:16

No, they don't change

And being "nice" is part of the messing with your head, power games and manipulation.

He is trying to manoeuvre you into a position where he can be abusive again

DustbinDimberflake · 01/03/2023 10:54

Aww, what a lovely man to admit he broke into your vehicle despite knowing it was wrong. Such introspection! Sounds like exactly the kind of criminal women trauma bond with . 🙄

KettrickenSmiled · 01/03/2023 11:04

He admitted he’s broken into my car without me knowing to go through my stuff but he knows it was wrong.
😂😂😂

You reckon it's a big improvement because he can now admit his stalking & illegal car-breaking?

What's next - he beats you up, but confesses afterwards that he shouldn't have done it? So that's ok then?

Please wise up OP - these abusive shits function on just 3 channels:
/ Charm / Self-pity / Rage /
You are being blasted with the Charm right now.
I bet he's also doing the Self-pity "I know it was wrong, how can you ever forgive me I am worthless without your luuurve" crap, right?

Have you heard of the Cycle of Abuse?
In short, it goes - Idealise / Devalue / Discard.
He's put you on Idealise, probably because he wants something. The house sale to go through without problems, I would imagine. Maybe to Hoover you back in - not out of love: out of control.
Abusers hate it when their control slips.
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

Stop taking him at face value, stop interacting with him, & stop believing a word that comes out of his mouth. HE BROKE INTO YOU CAR FFS. How can you not see that as a violation? A belief that he had the right to snoop on you, damage your property, 'own' you?

Keep the fuck away from the nasty bastard.

JorisBonson · 01/03/2023 11:06

Nope. The day I moved out of the home I shared with my horrible ex he'd gone to great effort to make it as easy as possible for me, taken screws out and taped them to furniture, piled everything up in an order I could manage etc. Took great pleasure in texting me to tell me he had done this to make my life easy. I was getting abusive phone calls at 2am a week later.

piedbeauty · 01/03/2023 12:59

God, no. Why would you risk it? Move on. You deserve better than to be sucked into the same old game-playing, manipulation, gaslighting and heartache.

palelavender · 01/03/2023 15:12

Of course he's not changed. Statistically, you could choose any man at random and have better odds that he's not abusive because you 100% know the current one is abusive. Life is short. Try to spend it with nice people.

Lottapianos · 01/03/2023 15:19

'Stop taking him at face value, stop interacting with him, & stop believing a word that comes out of his mouth. HE BROKE INTO YOU CAR FFS. How can you not see that as a violation? A belief that he had the right to snoop on you, damage your property, 'own' you?'

This. All of this

OP, you need to get far away from him. No, he won't change, and even if there was a tiny chance that he could, why ON EARTH would you take the risk? You've spent far too long making him a priority in your life. Get rid of him and do some serious work on your own boundaries. I don't mean that as a criticism - I was in an abusive relationship myself, but I got out, got into therapy, and it was the best thing I've ever done

MicroSoftTeamz · 01/03/2023 15:26

Abusive men NEVER change.