Partner's ex is still in touch

[80smusiclover]

Hello lovely people, hope you can help :)
My partner & I have been together for 18 months. I hide absolutely nothing from him, we've a good relationship and I trust him. We don't live together but are in touch a lot during the day and see each other 2/3 times a week, stay over etc.
I was single for a long time when we met and he had been split from his ex for 3 years. It just fizzled out with his ex and he stopped loving her. She had health problems that affected their relationship (intimately and otherwise). They were together for 5 years. Just the other day when he was at mine he went for a lie down and I plugged his phone in to charge it and......don't ask me why....... I looked at his messages. I know, I know !!!! I admit it was completely wrong of me. I'm completely ashamed at myself for doing it. I just don't know why I did......curiosity perhaps ?
Anyway, I found a message from his ex. It was from 4 weeks ago. The first message was from him saying 'I had a missed call, everything ok?' I know she had health issues and so did her mum but my heart sank that he was so ok about her being in touch. Then she texts him saying her mum had a rough year last year and it's been making her think about those who are precious to her and how he keeps popping into her mind and she thinks of him often. She then sent him a funny animated video saying this is what reminds her of their relationship. She also said 'tell me if you don't want me to bother you again'. He replies saying 'I still try to think of all the good times too' (in relation to the funny animation).
Now last year both of my long term exes tried to get in touch with me and I freaked out a bit. I told him about them and showed him their messages. He asked if I wanted him to message them and tell them I was with him now (and to back off). I blocked one and sent the other a long email saying I had moved on and was happy now. They haven't been in touch since.
So now comes the problems. I'm wondering why he hasn't deleted or blocked his ex's number - I know they ended amicably, but still, he's with me now and I don't have my ex's numbers in my phone, as I said above. Why didn't he tell her 'he hopes she's ok but he's moved on and he's with me now' ? Why has he kept the messages ? And probably the most important issue of all - why hasn't he told me about her being in touch ? After I told him about my exes last year he was the one who wanted to tell them I'd moved on with him !! Why isn't he doing the same for me ? Does he still hold a torch for her, still love her ? Does he think about her often and the good times ? Is he keeping his options open ? Has she been in touch before ? Is he needing an ego boost - he's with me but his ex still thinks about him a lot and is still in touch without me knowing ?
Oh and there was another message from a woman saying 'how about meeting for a coffee/drink' - don't worry, I think that was from an old flatmate, but the problem with that one is he hasn't told me about that message either !!!
I know how it all sounds, trust me, I read it back. Makes me look like a paranoid and untrusting freak, but I'm not. Am I really being a complete idiot ? And how can I possibly bring this up and discuss it with him when I looked in his phone in the first place !! Eeek. Got myself into a right old mess I know, but any advice would be very welcome on how to approach/deal with this. It'll only eat away at me if I can't bring it up and I can't trust him and he hides things from me. It gets me thinking, what else is he hiding, that isn't in his phone........ Relationships are hard lol
Sorry for the long-winded message. Thank you for reading this far :)

Not everyone needs to delete or block exes

sounds like SHE is stirring things up
and he sent a polite reply

dont do this again for your own sake
this way madness lies and he has a right to privacy

I think the trust that nobody will snoop on your phone is quite important here too…

Thisisworsethananticpated - maybe you're right, not everyone deletes their exes. I think she is still holding a torch for him though, by the sounds of it.
I know (re madness/privacy), I've learned the hard way methinks....

Izzy24 - I think the trust that nobody will snoop on your phone is quite important here too…

I get that, I really wasn't snooping, it's not who I am. I don't know why I looked really. And after 18 months in our relationship I've never checked his phone. Or anyone's, for that matter !

If you weren't snooping what do you think it was?

Of course you were snooping. What else would you call it? And you didn't just read one message and stop, did you? That's a massive invasion of his privacy yet here you are saying how important trust is to you. Your version of trust seems to be rather one-sided.

And to know that your partner trusts you to be in touch with your exes without becoming insecure.

I think if your bf was posting we would all be telling him to leave you as you are displaying a load of red flag behaviors.

Snooping
Paranoid
Controlling
Insecure
Lack of boundaries...

Given how important honesty and not hiding things is for you, you should probably tell him you've been snooping through his phone.

If he's the slightest bit sensible he'll dump you.

I know it’s wrong but personally I’d block her on his phone lol. Then just not bring it up with him but at least you’d know she wouldn’t be in touch again. You can hardly bring up that you went through his phone.

I really, really hope, OP, that you do not do this.

I have friends who like to stay friends with exes and friends who don't.

Personally I don't see why you think he should block an ex if the romance just petered out and they stayed on good terms.

My issue is about trust, as I feel it's one of the most important foundations in any relationship.

You haven't told him the truth though, that you looked at his private messages without permission.

If truth and honesty are important foundations for you then you aren't behaving to the standard you say you expect a partner to as you're betraying his trust and not being honest about what you've found as a result.

And you were snooping, that's literally what you did,

Maybe he thought that you were showing him the messages from your ex because you wanted him to do something about them. Why else would you show him rather than just tell him? Even "needing" to tell him sounds a bit immature.

I think most of us assume that our partners are or should be capable of managing their own interpersonal relationships without assistance . You chose to handle your situation in the way that you were most comfortable. Perhaps, your way is not his most comfortable way. Healthy adults can maintain friendships after breakups. He can and you cannot.

This only becomes an issue if you make an issue of it. He is your partner but not your possession. He should be free to handle some aspects of his life as he so chooses,but you do not get to dictate who he considers as a friend.

You can and should tell him how you feel, but you should also be prepared for him to tell you that he does not share those feelings and will not conduct his friendships in the same manner.

You may be happier with someone who shares your outlook on friendships and managing their lives.

You say you trust him and aren't controlling, but you checked his phone and are wanting him to have discussed the conversation with his ex, you are both of those things.

OP, I think you massively over reacted to your exes being in touch - why on earth did you freak? And I suspect your man's offer to text them was to ease your freak out.
And you obviously told him because it was a big deal to you.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a big deal to him, so he didn't think of telling you.
Tons of people continue to be in contact with exes.... unless you e asked him to block her, and he agreed, then he's done nothing wrong.

Huh I think you have problems so don't be surprised if he backs away off you. Nothing is wrong there. Some people can stay friends with exes some can't. I think you were very wrong to look at his phone and just because you tell all doesnt mean he is hiding anything because he doesn't think its particularly necessary. Sounds like you have big trust issues from the past and need to deal with them before you break this relationship up. To expect a person to tell you about every single thing they do or chat about is just odd. I wouldn't wana know half of what or who my hubby talks to, be boring gaming or car talks lol. Anyway lighten up, stop making big things from nothing it wont make you happy.

Sorry OP, but I think you are wrong to snoop through his phone and overreact over a text that doesn't mean anything.

His replied was polite and he doesn't have to block or cut off his ex if they split amicably.

I would think it's more breach of trust to go snoop.

You keep saying you trust him, but clearly something made you look through his phone.

I would let it go and not go through his phone again.

You say your main issue is him lying about it.. but sounds like you would kick off if he told you so he's not mentioned it especially as it was such a platonic exchange. You sound really insecure.

Given how fast this board gets to LTB
and the fairly unanimous replies that he hasn’t done anything wrong ..

id put this down to experience and learn that snooping is always a bad idea

always !

Jeez! I’d be running a mile…..from you!

Unless there’s bad blood between you and your exes, why did you freak out? As in, was it upsetting you that they’d been in touch because it triggered bad memories or was it just the fact that an ex had contacted you? Because I can understand why you’d be upset if they had been abusive/ given you shitty behaviour but I really don’t understand why you’d freak out otherwise. Adults who end relationships in an adult way don’t become dead to each other, surely? That’s would be weird. Just too much drama for grown ups.

You’re showing some pretty big red flags here, it all sounds very teenagery and dramatic when it really, really shouldn’t be.

He should run for the hills.

all that “I’m so ashamed” bollocks in the op is just that. You’re clearly not ashamed or you wouldn’t have done it.

and he hasn’t lied to you, he doesn’t owe it to you to tell you about every communication he has. And there’s no law that says when someone becomes an ex you should block them. Personally I think blocking people is petty and childish unless there is abuse involved. If you part with someone amicably then there’s no reason you need to block them. Or did they dump you for being a control freak?

Jesus.

I'm friends with a few exes and we do message occasionally - there is zero romance on either side but no doubt the odd message read out of context could be misconstrued. I'm also friends with a number of men, platonically through work, and we do message and shocker meet up occasionally. My dp is OK with both situations, even if I don't tell him what I've been messaging or that I've arranged to meet them.

The difference is that both me and dp are secure in our relationship, know that we are 100% committed to each other and have nothing to hide.

OP if you'd discovered missing messages then yeah, I'd be concerned. The fact that whilst snooping you found everything, suggests that there is nothing to hide. You may have chosen to block your exes, for whatever reasons, but not everyone goes to that extreme, especially if things ended amicably after a few years, that's a lot of shared life experience.

I think your angst says more about your insecurity than his cheating.

Both DH and I are in touch with exes with whom we remained friendly -50 years now. Not seeing a problem here.

Sheesh, that's a lot of criticism to deal with lol. Some of it uncalled for I'd say. But I suppose I should have half-expected it. All you are seeing is a situation and commenting on it without knowing me. Yes, I had a control freak for an ex-husband and my next long-term relationship was the complete opposite - he couldn't care less, if I had any problems he didn't want to know. I guess this shapes us for the future. Thanks to those who gave me advice. That's all I asked for and I will take it on board. Just remember, none of us are perfect. I did something wrong, which I've admitted, I snooped once. Yes there has to be privacy, of course I agree with that, and I've said over and over I'm not proud of what I did. I guess I'll deal with this issue in my own way. Good luck in your own relationships, by the sounds of it some of you will need it ! :)

Eh?

I think his response was perfect. He is being kind to someone he was once very close to.

Why do you think he should block his ex’s number? Why do you think when his ex got in touch he should have sent a ‘I’ve move on, leave me alone message”?

He sounds like a good guy. Do you really want to go out with someone who would be mean and cruel to you and block you after you split up?

The snooping isn’t really the issue here. It’s your attitude. You’re jealous and it’s an ugly emotion. You need to work on your self esteem. He is with you. He doesn’t deserve to be controlled and most likely won’t put up with it.