It's not quite right but I don't know how to end it

Kai965 · 2023-02-28T19:29:21+00:00

I've been with my boyfriend about 16 months. We don't live together. We both have kids and spend time together both with each others' kids and on our own. We have lots in common and there are lots of things I love about him but: - we are from different classes/backgrounds and sometimes I just feel we don't speak the same language - his son feels I'm 'stealing' his dad - he doesn't like my eldest daughter It just feels like too much work and more importantly that it's me doing all the work, it's always me who has to change something and never him. I'm not interested in a halfway house where I just see him when the kids aren't around. So how do I tell him? I've ended a marriage before but that was the first time I ever ended a relationship and obviously that was different.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 28/02/2023 19:32

'I'm sorry, this isn't working for me any more and it's best we end it.' And don't get drawn into a discussion as to why. Like people always say on here, you don't need permission to end it if you ain't feeling it.

Watchkeys · 28/02/2023 19:38

Just tell him it's not working for you. No need to elaborate. You're not trying to change him, so there's no need to tell him what he's done 'wrong'. It's fine just to say it doesn't feel right or you wish you felt more connected but you don't. If you only talk about your feelings, rather than his actions, he won't feel attacked, and this can prevent defence and argument. 'I don't feel right about this relationship' can't be responded to with 'Yes you do' or 'Well, you should'.

Zanatdy · 28/02/2023 20:34

I do think after 16 months someone deserves to know why the relationship is over. Maybe if it was 16wks it’s fine to just say it’s over but I do think people deserve to know why they’ve been dumped so they can have some closure. Just be truthful - tell him you think the problems are insurmountable and your children comes first. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t like my child.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/03/2023 06:51

Your 3 bullets state it ! It’s not working

and it can be done kindly and firmly and with honesty

AlisonDonut · 01/03/2023 06:54

Stop doing all this work to see him and you won't see him again surely?

Bemyclementine · 01/03/2023 06:56

The issue with the children is more than enough. Remember, you don't need to persuade him have his permission or have him agree with your decision. You can just tell him your decision.

Tuilpmouse · 01/03/2023 07:30

Zanatdy · 28/02/2023 20:34

I do think after 16 months someone deserves to know why the relationship is over. Maybe if it was 16wks it’s fine to just say it’s over but I do think people deserve to know why they’ve been dumped so they can have some closure. Just be truthful - tell him you think the problems are insurmountable and your children comes first. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t like my child.

I agree. After 16 months it would be callous and cowardly just to tell him it's over with no explanation.

Livelifelaughter · 01/03/2023 09:18

Tuilpmouse · 01/03/2023 07:30

I agree. After 16 months it would be callous and cowardly just to tell him it's over with no explanation.

Show quote history

Just to say I agree that he should know.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2023 09:22

You both know the issues with your respective DC, just tell him it’s too complicated and you each need to put your DC first.

If he’s made it clear he doesn’t like your DD he can’t be shocked you’re going off him. Hopefully she hasn’t been too aware of his feelings over the past year.

Original poster

Kai965 · 01/03/2023 09:27

So ... if I tell him in advance I think we need to talk about where things are going as I have concerns.

And then meet him the next weekend we can meet without his son and just tell him that I think our parenting styles are too different and so it's better to move on? Would that be a fair way to do it?

He wants us to be a family unit but blending just isn't working. The kids are different ages and it would be rare for kids with that age gap to get on well, but he takes it personally that we don't all fawn over his son, who's used to be fawned over as an only child.

The son therefore doesn't like us because he feels we're displacing him somehow (when I've been so careful not to overstep, not to parent, to be neutral).

And unfortunately he has decided that my eldest daughter is like his ex and therefore is manipulative and materialistic. She isn't - no-one else has ever called her either of those things. I've checked with friends/family that I'm not missing something and they all agree with me. She's quiet and doesn't show her emotions and like any teenager she has mood swings, sometimes answers back and can be a bit lazy. But she has such a kind heart and is definitely not manipulative and it really upsets me that he's just labelled her like that. I think that's the biggest thing for me.

He doesn't say this to her, he's only said it to me. But she's picked up that he doesn't like her because she's very perceptive.

OP posts:

Aprilx · 01/03/2023 09:35

I don’t think you should tell him in advance that you need to talk to him about concerns. It is really not fair on him to leave him wondering for a week or whatever, quite unkind really.

drainedofalllife · 01/03/2023 09:38

I think that’s a completely unacceptable thing to say about your daughter and says a lot about the kind of man he is.

I don’t think you need to hash it out face to face. A phone call would do. ‘You don’t like my daughter, your son is feeling insecure because of this attempt to blend families, it’s not working. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out.’

AlisonDonut · 01/03/2023 09:39

Kai965 · 01/03/2023 09:27

So ... if I tell him in advance I think we need to talk about where things are going as I have concerns.

And then meet him the next weekend we can meet without his son and just tell him that I think our parenting styles are too different and so it's better to move on? Would that be a fair way to do it?

He wants us to be a family unit but blending just isn't working. The kids are different ages and it would be rare for kids with that age gap to get on well, but he takes it personally that we don't all fawn over his son, who's used to be fawned over as an only child.

The son therefore doesn't like us because he feels we're displacing him somehow (when I've been so careful not to overstep, not to parent, to be neutral).

And unfortunately he has decided that my eldest daughter is like his ex and therefore is manipulative and materialistic. She isn't - no-one else has ever called her either of those things. I've checked with friends/family that I'm not missing something and they all agree with me. She's quiet and doesn't show her emotions and like any teenager she has mood swings, sometimes answers back and can be a bit lazy. But she has such a kind heart and is definitely not manipulative and it really upsets me that he's just labelled her like that. I think that's the biggest thing for me.

He doesn't say this to her, he's only said it to me. But she's picked up that he doesn't like her because she's very perceptive.

How about saying 'you hate my child so this isn't going to work'?

You don't owe him arranging another meeting to discuss it.

MaireadMcSweeney · 01/03/2023 09:41

Anyone who spoke like that about my kid would be long gone. Don't bother seeing him again, why would you?

Rainbowshine · 01/03/2023 10:59

drainedofalllife · 01/03/2023 09:38

I think that’s a completely unacceptable thing to say about your daughter and says a lot about the kind of man he is.

I don’t think you need to hash it out face to face. A phone call would do. ‘You don’t like my daughter, your son is feeling insecure because of this attempt to blend families, it’s not working. I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out.’

This. A phone call and don’t engage in discussion, have some ready made phrases for when he says you can just carry on seeing each other without the kids etc

He’s not a prince among men is he, talking about your daughter like that! I wouldn’t lose sleep about his feelings given how he’s not bothered about yours.

Watchkeys · 01/03/2023 12:38

You're over complicating things and making yourself an uncomfortable situation when you don't need to. Phone him and tell him that because of the issues with the kids, you want to move on. Sorry it didn't work out, best of luck etc. That's it. He's badmouthed your daughter. You don't owe him anything, and you don't need to detail reasons for your feelings. You're not happy, so it's over. That's all he needs to know. I really wouldn't get into it with someone so rude.

hugefanofcheese · 01/03/2023 12:55

A phone call is fine if you can't meet at short notice. You've made your decision, better to see it through.

Text first so he can take the call somewhere private.

Shit sandwich- you've enjoyed getting to know him and the kids but unfortunately don't see a future. This is largely because of incompatibility between the two families rather than the two of you but for both of you the children are paramount. I wouldn't be shy to calmly let him know the way he spoke about your DD overstepped the mark, especially comparing her to his ex's negative attributes. End wishing him and his family well.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/03/2023 13:45

So ... if I tell him in advance I think we need to talk about where things are going as I have concerns.

Bloody hell why are you making this a bigger arseache (for yourself!) than it needs to be? There is zero need for you to book time, pre-warn, or generally treat this as a corporate exercise in people management.

He's a bellend about your child, he's a bellend about his child, he expects you to do all the work & compromise aboiut meeting up - FFS don't make breaking up this much hard work too.

Just ring him up when you know he's likely to be at home & tell him it's over.
You can start with the bland & neutral "this isn't working for me, best we split up, wish you all the best bye bye".
If you get pushback, tell him the way he talks about your daughter is unacceptable, it's best you split, bye bye.
Any more rabbit from him after that - hang up.
Then block him. There's nothing to discuss, & you don't want him turning the kind of bile he harbours about your DD on you. He sounds bitter & nasty, make sure he is blocked on everything.

I'd have finished with him the first time he made unjustified criticisms of my child. You owe this bellend nothing.