Is it that bad?

[mzpsmummy]

I know truthfully it was but my ex has denied all allegations. We're at the start of the court process and I've decided to do this with a mckenzie friend who is a paralegal. Our history:

•pressured and religious coercion for sex / getting me to cover. Shamed me if I didn't cover or in the way he wished. I have text evidence of this behaviour.

•unfaithful to me and then blamed me (online tinder accounts) despite making me have no makes follow me etc & remove even friends who's s/o May have access to their account.

•accused me of being bipolar

•took pictures of things in the house he deemed unclean to his standards and shamed me in front of my uncle and cousin & sent them picture of these things (jackets not hung up and hoover not emptied)

•told me anyone else would've divorced me a long time ago and continuously threatened to leave me if I spoke up about any issues. He would hold the Quraan swearing on it he will divorce me sometimes for no reason just to watch me squirm and panic. I cringe so hard that I did that and begged.

•controlled my finances even after I told him i couldn't afford to pay for things and would pay for something else alternatively he manipulated me to carry on. He would make me feel taking me to asda he did me a 'favour' and would often rush me and sit in the car, if he came in with me he'd watch what I buy and what I spend on and replace things for me.

•threatened to show intimate videos of me to my dad and uncle I have only texts of me telling my counsellor about this.

•he shamed me continuously for not doing housework how he wanted. I was a SAHM I cooked and cleaned and worked 2.5 hours a day too.

•he told me when I refused to cover my face "if I could go back and choose differently I would" I approached minds matters and had a therapist of my own during this time who made me aware it's abuse.

•he slammed doors in front of my child and said in front of him "mum you know I'm only with her because she won't leave me" truthfully if I had an ounce of self esteem I would've left but I was so weak.

•miscarriage in March and 3 weeks after trying to get me pregnant again told me he's wanted a divorce for 6 months

My Q is, was angry of this THAT bad?
We had good times between this too. I feel bc he didn't beat me it wasn't that bad.
I've offered contact if he takes a DVPP course. I have a non mol against him to protect myself. Of course he's not going to admit to the course is not suitable for him.. of course this will go to a FF hearing. I'm just afraid. Anyone been through emotional abuse and actually had Cafcass support them?

Bump?

Yes of course it was bad @mzpsmummy , he didn't want a woman who was a thinking, feeling person in their own right, he wanted a domestic slave who would do everything his way and bow to his every whim. He'll now say anything to make it your fault so people don't see the real him. And as for not beating you- well bruises heal but constant verbal and emotional abuse scars far deeper.
Well done for standing up for yourself and making a better life, for you 💐

Can you afford an actual solicitor? Are there any women’s organisations who can support you? I am sure some Mackenzie friends are good but this is important and if you can get qualified experience I would look for that. There may organisations offering specialised support for Muslim women, have you investigated that?

@Eyerollcentral I did have a Muslim female solicitor but I absolutely can't afford it and at the same time I can't lose my job either as this is my first proper job.

I have looked into organisations who can help me but most direct me to a rights of women helpline where I can never seem to get through.

My MF is a paralegal excellent for paperwork as for speaking in court I'm not sure.

I doubt I can afford a solicitor, the other party is also unrepresented I should have said.

@Daleksatemyshed I know what you're saying is right but the hundreds of threads I've read on here of women who have been through the courts and come our absolutely defeated as Cafcass / judges don't take their experiences seriously..

I appreciate your kind words, I really really do

Keep trying rights of women. Are there any Muslim women’s organisations that can assist with the specific abuse your husband has subjected to related to your religion? Other women must have been through the same and their experience may be useful to you, sorry if you’ve already looked in to this. I also wanted to say I really admire you for standing up for your self and your children and I’m sure you will do great. Sounds like you’ve collated as much evidence as you can and you are clear about the nature of the abuse. Don’t doubt yourself, you don’t need to. Good luck. Also get this moved to the legal section as there may be others with more specialised advice for you.

@Eyerollcentral thank you! I have. They've looked into it abs have seen the police prematurely NFA the case. They thought I'd go back to him as women from my culture generally do..

They have got in touch with the police and the investigation may be reopened.

Women's aid helped me, Saheli, Humraaz as well as my local DV charity I was referred to my the police. I had my own counselling since June last year privately and throughout the relationship I turned to a private religious counsellor. How willing they are to testify in court for me.. I doubt very much.

As for rights of women I will give it a try tomorrow for sure. I'm doing this unrepresented so I do feel like I'm doubting myself and as much as I want to have faith my ex plays the picture perfect husband to the rest of the world.

Personally I'd go for a none Muslim solicitor for the court case if you can. I'm so sorry you are going through this and have been treated in such a disgusting and degrading manner. Stay strong and please explore every every avenue to find the right king of representation that can advocate for you. X

@mzpsmummy I understand why you are frightened by what will happen in the Courts. Sadly, the whole system seems to be caught up with the idea that a child is always better off seeing it's father, even when they've been deeply abusive to the Mother, because the child needs a relationship with them.

It's a simplistic idea but in your place I'd try to look back through all the bad things your husband did to you and try to pick out the ones which had an impact on your child, anything which would effect their feelings of security, self esteem, where his actions or words would mar your child's trust in you and make them feel unloved. Unfortunately some Mothers do try to keep their children away from their Fathers out of spite so the more logical, calm and informed you can be in court the better your chances of being listened to and taken seriously.

I wish I could say don't worry, it will all be fine, but I won't insult you by lying. I do wish you the very best and right is on your side, never forget that

Great that you are being assisted and getting support. Hopefully you hear back from the police soon. The Courts are used to seeing picture perfect people in front of them and whilst they do sometimes fall for it (they are only going on what is before them on the day) they can often see right through it, don’t let that intimidate you. I am sure you have already but get your private therapy notes and see if the religious counsellor has any notes they can provide you with. Even then if they won’t appear you can point to those notes.

@Daleksatemyshed yes I'm aware "contact at all costs" is Cafcass' Motto. I am unrepresented and absolutely can't spend any money on legal fees. I don't have legal aid as I earn more than the limit requires despite having a merit. @Daleksatemyshed

I too am in favour of contact as I don't have concerns of him hitting or abusing the child my concerns are:

• god forbid this repeats with another woman our child will be witness to it making him a victim to it too

• he may grow up internalising the behaviours and believing it's ok

• contact will be another way for him to continue abusing or controlling me. My non mol is in place for that but I need my ex to learn this behaviour is unacceptable.

• DV course gives me peace of mind. Won't cure him but Ik I did the best I could.

• all gifts etc stopped prior to first hearing and nothing since .. I've sent cards child has made. Nothing. His mother blocked me for no reason too, despite Cafcass encouraging me to carry on sending pics and vids of child (I was doing this prior to the hearing anyway) not sure why it's blocked.

-his gift notes prior to hearing (child is 2 and cannot read) said "nothing will ever justify you being controlled like this.. daddy can't wait to see you"

• cherry on top, he's allowed intern contact gifts etc. However he hasn't. Child's bday was last month not a peep not even a text from him or his family despite me reaching out to his mum to let her know she can ask me of the child's well-being etc too.

Erm yes, it is bad! Controlling and coercive abusive behaviour. Sounds like a nasty piece of work. Glad to hear he's your ex and glad to hear you got out.

@Mrs86 yes v happily EX. Although the trauma bond at times had me feeling like I do today..
Almost sorry for him. How bizarre.