how do i learn to stick up for myself once ?

[greenhummingbird]

right im totally fed up of never voicing my opinion, always beening kind and thoughtful towards everyone eles in my family but having them have no thought or regard towards me.

how do i stop being a wimp and start speaking up
when people say aload of crap to me i dont agree with
whenever people say rude things to me i never really say much back and i want to change

i thought id copy some of my posts to give you an idea of what i mean by i need to start sticking up for myself

this one was about my dad telling me we are not a proper family until youve had 3 children

and to be honest its really pissing me off

we only had one dd and are very happy with that at the moment, we may or maynot have more in the future,
although i can only really see us having one more even if we do due to house space,car and money etc
or we may decide to just keep it us 3
dd is 8 months btw

anyway
dad is really pissing me off saying, your not a proper family until you've had three.
the thing that makes it even more annoying there are only really interested in one of my brothers,and have always favoured him and treated him differently,as they do there fav sons dd, yes you guessed it shes now the favourite gd. me and my other brother there just not as bothered about sad but true
i just sit there dumbfounded wondering what the hell to say

this post was about my mum that anytime i say anything about my dd she turns the conversation onto her fav gc

yes mum always favoured on of her three and now there child is the fav grandson

he is almost 2 my dd is 7 months

anytime i ever say anything
she always brings the conversation round to fav gc
she has 6 btw
and never mentions the others

for example even the other day i say oh [dd, only just got a tooth] oh dd really liked having her teth brushed she would say say x loves having his brushed too

even i say say negative things like im a bit shattered today dd hasnt had a nap allday she would say well x always had a nap everyday
never ever mentioning the other gc
just the fav one

its like she never responds to anything i say about my dd, just turns the conversation around to her fav gc
and because hes older i hear all the oh x has learnt how to this or that, and i nicely reply with things like oh thats good or great or say how well hes doing
but anytime i say anything about dd she always turns it around it her fav gc

im so sick of being the one that anyone can speak to like crap, so please tell me how to stop being a wimp [ thoughtful and considerate]
to these knobs and start sticking up for myself

I know what you mean.

I sometimes have had the same thing and i don't always have the confidence to say anything - but i have got better tbh.

I went through my childhood and some of my adult life being talked down to/picked on/not listened to etc. It does still happen sometimes, but now i am so better at saying something - and if that person who is being an arse doesn't like that i stick up for myself......tough shit

Hang in there - puff up your chest - and go for it!

Whats the worst that can happen if you start to fight your corner a bit more? Yes, some people might be a little taken aback. But either your politeness and shyness (is that right?) makes them feel they can talk to you in that way, or they are just inconsiderate people to start off with.

I think you can still be polite but firm. You could question why they think what they do ie 'dad, why do you think that about families?' Rather than just sitting there ,taking it and getting hurt by his words. Let him huff and puff, then disregard it.
To your mum (and we have chatted on your other thread) you could say 'its nice you see so much of xxx to notice these things'....then move on.

Try not to take the failings of other people personally. But if you question politely why they have stated certain things, it may make them think twice.

I have started to speak up a lot more, and I am quite relishing my new role as stroppy daughter who speaks her mind a bit more. It knocks other people back a bit. But it makes me feel a whole lot better.

hi thanks for your lovely responses
im really gonna try and stick up for myself abit more, guess what stops me is people that are rude such as my dad i feel the only way to answer back is to be rude back, which is something i find v hard to do
wouldnt really class myself as shy but a bit of a doormat i suppose always putting other peoples feelings before my own
and worried i may upset someone !
maidamess i think you are right i should really question things a bit more

Good luck green! If you question things, it stops you getting angry in response, yet can make the idiot other person rethink their position.

Us doormats must stick together!!

hi maidamess thanks for taking the time to post to me

well im seeing mum dad sil and x 2moro
thanks 4 the luck im gonna give it a try

im actually hoping day says the not a proper family thing so i can react
although still not sure what ill say though!
i figured as long as its not nothing its a step in the right direction
gonna read all the good ideas of what to say now

ill post on here tue to let you know how i get on

doormats united xx

hopeing dad i mean

And if when you mention something your dd has done, if your mum does the usual 'oh darling gc did that but better' try saying soemthing like - 'what about gcX and gcY? did they do that? And see if you can't force her to either acknowledge that she only knows about darling gc, or if she does know but just doesn't care about the others' achievements. Do you think it's because he's the 1st gc, and he obv. does do everything first? (walk,teeth,talk,school etc)

hi captain mummy
thanks for cheering me on
im rearing myself up
trying to think of something dd has done so i can tell them

now favourites the 3rd gc
the 1st two have been totally forgotten they are my my other brothers
there even less bothered about him
truely dont know why because hes great and so are his kids
since this 3rd one came along
so its worse for them really
at least dd hasnt been dropped as she wasnt really bothered about that much from the start
but the other two can s what happening which is so sad

hi

Hi how are things?

hi reporting back as promised, well when i went to mum and dads, i was all fired up ready to say my piece

and they where all nice as pie
no doddgy comments at all ...this time

maybe they sensed my egdey vibe, i don't know lol

i was sort of hopeing they would say something a bit off just so i can start chalenenging it iykwim?

anyway ive got it all in my head what to do/say the next time they do, which im sure there will be a next time

thanks so much for your help and support
tis much appriceated

seriously thanks so much maidamess xxxx

Thats the spirit! Maybe just the shift in your attitude of 'I'm prepared now' has made you seem more confident in yourself.

Never forget the capacity of our parents to spout shit however. We have got the cpacity to decide whether we let it affect us or not. Sounds like you are on the way to not letting it affect you so much.

yes i think just thinking right if they say this im gonna reply blah blah really helped me be prepared

yes i think im on the way
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GHB- there's a great chapter in "Toxic Parents" (by Susan Forward I think?) that would help you...think it's about not feeling like a grown up around your parents, not being able to confront or challenge them. Maybe worth a look. My MIL has a favourite GC that she always talks about no matter what you say about your DC. It's SOOOOO annoying! It's one thing being closer to one GC than another- to a certain extent, that's inevitable (depends on who lives where, proximity, how much they see them blahblah) BUT to have no restraint in a conversation and be so insensitive is pretty shitty. You would be reasonable to mention it to her but be braced for denial and anger that you could even suggest favouritism (my DH recently had it out with his mum about this and she was horrified even though it's so blatantly true...we never expected the same level of attention for our children but we did expect her to show up at my DD's 2nd birthday (needless to say she co-organised her favourite GC's birthday 2 weeks later, then stopped talking to me because I apparently 'snubbed her' by turning my back on her when having a conversation with someone else- eh?). I hate confrontation too but if you do what really scares you, it makes you stronger. Honest! x

hi mrsmacaroon ive actually got that book following mn reomendations!
but i haven read it cover to cover
just kinda skimmed it
what chapter is it, thats just what i need
as i do feel like a child around them tbh

good for you and your dg dealing with your mil, its great to hear from others that have gon thought this

xxxx

i totally agre i hate confrontation, but im ready for it

The chapter is "I'm a grown up so why don't I act like one?"- I think...x