Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tit for tat

11 replies

bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 12:56

Had a row yesterday with DH, I still cooked tea as normal as my other child needed feeding anyhow. We are not talking properly only on a needs must. Tuesdays I do a online course for 90mins and he has lunch at home and watches our toddler. He hasn't turned up. It's the one commitment I have per week other then my evening job.

I'm torn between rising above his attempts at punishing me or shall I get him back.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/02/2023 12:58

All sounds very immature, ever thought of splitting up? It sounds like you don't even like each other

Original poster
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 12:59

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/02/2023 12:58

All sounds very immature, ever thought of splitting up? It sounds like you don't even like each other

Helpful thank you.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/02/2023 13:11

Apologies if you think it was harsh and yes he's a dick for not turning up. Does this happen often, the arguments?

Original poster
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 13:25

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 28/02/2023 13:11

Apologies if you think it was harsh and yes he's a dick for not turning up. Does this happen often, the arguments?

You made a fair point it is actually all very childish when I read it back. I think we are both emotionally stunted. We do argue a lot but over really petty stuff which sets me off as I get annoyed being suckered into a daft argument.

Last argument : DS "mum I don't want that much rice on my plate" ( he picks and changes often when he wants more or less ) DH "why"! (Raised voice) What else have you eaten!!! DS " nothing".

DS had eaten some biscuits and a smoothie between breakfast and tea it turns out. But he hadn't had any lunch. DS is 16.

I'm like ok it's not a big problem we don't need to shout. He is 16 if he is old enough to join the army he is old enough to decide how much he eats.

We leave the house to go out and DH is raging at the back door about him lying about snacking. Im dying of shame neighbours could hear also protective of DS being shouted at, It's just carried on from then. This is common.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 13:47

Not turning up to look after his child when he knows you need his support is disgraceful. Why is he shouting at your ds like that? The boy is old enough to regulate his eating, he probably didn't think he was being asked if he had had a snack! Your DH sounds very angry: is he like that a lot of the time?

Original poster
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 14:15

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 13:47

Not turning up to look after his child when he knows you need his support is disgraceful. Why is he shouting at your ds like that? The boy is old enough to regulate his eating, he probably didn't think he was being asked if he had had a snack! Your DH sounds very angry: is he like that a lot of the time?

He does have anger issues for sure, it's irrational and excessive over small daft things. He has acknowledged this possibly more to please me? Then that just falls to the side line when things don't flare up as much. He is cool as a cucumber and supportive over bigger problems? I don't know if its stress linked as he isn't a talker when it comes to feelings and struggles.

I don't know if this helps but he is in the military, obsessed with standards, not being lazy, lies etc I am similar but nowhere as extreme and can pick my battles with the kids. He can't let the petty issue go either? Has to keep having digs or referencing back to it. When I get him alone I then flip out to get him to wind his neck in and this does work for a while. I want to break this cycle. It's exhausting and time wasting and pointless in a household that could have it a lot harder when you see and hear other's struggles. His issue with me is my stubbornness (I go quiet and pull back from him and drag the argument on), I am also fiercely independent and he likes to be needed and useful.

I feel like I've calmed down and come to my own answer and I just need to calmly let him know what he has done was spiteful and not like him to punish me like that. When he tries to snare me into a trans script of the last day and point scoring I need to stand firm and not get into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 14:16

Cherrysoup · 28/02/2023 13:47

Not turning up to look after his child when he knows you need his support is disgraceful. Why is he shouting at your ds like that? The boy is old enough to regulate his eating, he probably didn't think he was being asked if he had had a snack! Your DH sounds very angry: is he like that a lot of the time?

This is soo true of teenage son's!! The question was probably not specific enough! I completely agree with your view hence my simmering rage when it comes to my kids.

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 28/02/2023 17:44

Are both these children his biologically ?

He sounds like a bully and your son is scared of him.

You also appear to be treading on eggshells.
Keeping the peace and trying to protect your children, you are beggining to see this is no way to live.

He's had it all his way for a long time hasn't he.

GoodChat · 28/02/2023 17:53

He's a nasty dickhead. Make alternative arrangements that mean not relying on him if he's going to use it to ruin things for you.

Original poster
bitingthedust · 28/02/2023 23:07

Thanks for the responses, sorry for late reply have been working. Yes other son is SC. You are saying what I know deep down. The egg shell comment is spot on and so draining. This control and obsession of attention to certain details steals from so many good things. I've told him I've had enough. I'm sleeping in spare room. He has to get help with anger management or I'm going to have to take things further.

Issues have arisen with SC for the past 2 years previous 7 years were fine.

OP posts:
WidthofaLine · 28/02/2023 23:52

He could be actively sabotaging your online course on pupose, they start arguments then flounch, especially if this course has anyway of you gaining any independence, or social connections from it.

Control is usually hard to spot by those who are being subjected to it.

You know what you have to do, protect those children above all else.
You sound as though you've had enough of this dictator.

So your son is 16 and begining to answer back, sounds like he's had enough of him aswell.

By the way, he won't change (your h) why would he, bullies, like being bullies.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread