Please help me break a trauma bond with my married narc ex

[DecemberMama21]

Hi everyone

Please only nice comments and no judgment. My ex and myself were together for 3 years but he left me for another woman whilst I was pregnant and they recently got married. I tried to warn her but she went ahead with the wedding anyway knowing I had a newborn at home.

My ex is very charming, manipulative and academically intelligent which is probably why she went ahead with it. He has limited contact with our child and I have been very strong for the first year of our sons life being grey rock and have had some counselling. I had PTSD and post natal depression from the lies and betrayal and the more I started to read about narcissism the more I understood his behaviour.

He has recently in the last month or so started asking more about me, asking if I’m dating anyone and asking for my location and knowing where I am. He says he is doing this because he still cares about me and wants me and my son to be safe. I know this a lie; I know she’s there with him and I feel violated that sometimes I give in and reply. I feel vulnerable as a single parent and completely trauma bonded to him. It feels like I’m an addicted to his breadcrumbs and I know how wrong it is. I have a separate phone for communication with him and leave it at work sometimes overnight turned off. When I do this, I get lots of messages when I turn it back on as to why I haven’t responded.

I know it’s easy to say just block and don’t respond but we have a child together and I feel like I am still in my trauma. I haven’t told my friends and family anything. Women’s aid have said they will not step in for counselling at this stage as it’s still ongoing. Has anyone successfully broken a very strong trauma bond and how long does it take?

Yup been here
You need to see him as a drug you are addicted to
And probably always will be in some way
But never forget..

Drugs might feel euphoric for a moment but eventually they destroy you

You are trauma bonded to him
It's not real love
He will never change
You and your son deserve better
Stay strong and don't undo all your hard work
HE WILL NEVER CHANGE x

The only thing that worked for me was no contact but I didn't have kids with mine

Can you minimise contact with him? Only answer questions about your child & ignore the rest? Don't answer any personal questions, is none of his business

It must be really hard for you but time & distance away from him will help break the trauma bond. He's not treated you well at all

Tell him firmly by text that you wish him well with his wife but now you've both moved on and living separate lives you only need to be in contact regarding your son. Explain that you appreciate his concern but you're fine and have moved on.

I have am narc ex and a ds so I understand how hard this is. Be firm but kind so you don't rattle him.

In terms of actually breaking the bond, all you can really do is minimise contact. If it wasn't for the baby blocking him would be the bsolute best thing to do even if it felt impossible.

Keep telling yourself he is toxic. Do you really want someone toxic in your life?

For me, I guess i reached the point where I could see through him and from then on it was easy to disentangle myself. It sounds like you still believe on some level that you need him emotionally. You don't. You're better without him. Fill the gap in other ways- journal, art- find your passion.

After a while you stop craving him and just move on. But you do need to be firm with yourself and him.

OP, it's good that you can see through this waster, and his fake concern for you and your baby. That's the first step towards breaking the bond.

Having dumped you and DS in the cruellest circumstances, he's now trying to reel you in a bit just to enjoy his power, and probably hoping to have sex with you when he feels like it.

Keep doing what you've been doing so strongly and successfully despite all your difficulties: counselling, grey rock, phone turned off overnight etc. But use just a little more of your awesome strength and refuse to respond except with information where necessary about your son. Text or email only -- not phone calls.

You are getting child support from him via the CMS, aren't you? Don't rely on his generosity or decency, as he hasn't got any.

One day you'll be so relieved this selfish prick didn't hang around longer messing up your life. You're already on your way to a much happier future -- best of luck to you and DS.