Will try to keep this short but I don’t have anyone I can discuss this with in real life as we know the same people
My friend moved countries for a man years ago. He was always a bit different, old for his years though we are the same age, and not somebody I would have pictured with her before. He has very conservative views and he’s quite old-fashioned. He is well educated and very sure of himself. They have had a number of children in quick succession and after her first my friend decided not to return to work. They moved into a big house in the middle of the countryside and since then she has made being a stay at home mum her job, researching lots of parenting techniques and her life revolving solely around her children. During the pandemic I suspect he enjoyed their life more as there was less external influence but as lockdown has eased and she see more of her friends and family I am not completely sure he would regard us as good influences. That said I have warmed to him over the years. When she first moved away I spoke to her mum about my concern that he would slowly isolate her and whilst that has happened in a way she is always come across as very content and happy with her life.
A couple of weekends ago they had a family event which we attended. I helped her with some of the preparations the day before and the evening she messaged me saying that they had been bickering a lot that it all been very stressful, the final preparations.
She mentioned something about being called names which I asked her more about but she quickly said that they had made up and that they were looking forward to the day ahead.
I attended with my husband and child. For full context my husband had a breakdown two years ago related to alcohol, as a result of not addressing certain childhood issues. It was a terrible time and very public. Since then we have attended couples counselling and he has been sober for a year. I am very proud of him and we have worked really hard on our marriage and are currently in a really good place. I feel this is important to give some context as I’m not sure if this has this is influencing my view of my friends marriage. As the result of my husbands breakdown we have lost some very close friends as they were unable to change how they saw us and often our social interactions involved alcohol which my husband has obviously wanted to avoid. This particular friend was my confidant all the way through, she was the only person who knew everything that was going on and she was absolutely incredible.
Back to the party. My husband had been in the car with our baby as he had fallen asleep, he’d been there for about an hour and when he came in with the baby he was very quiet and quite subdued for the rest of the day. I spoke to him later assuming it was because they had a lot of alcohol around and still finds that difficult, especially as people become progressively tipsy. We also have an agreement that we leave when he wants to. Expecting the reason to be because of the alcohol I was surprised when he said no that wasn’t it. Whilst he was in the car with my baby, my friends husband had come out to their car. Because of the party they had got people to park a little bit further away from the house in quite a shaded area so my friends husband didn’t know my husband was in our car, he didn’t see him at all. My husband said that he saw my friends husband go up to their car, try and open it and when he saw it wasn’t unlocked he started hammering on the car window and screaming ‘you stupid fucking bitch’. DH was completely shocked because my friends husband is always very contained and controlled so to see this absolute loss of control I think he was completely taken aback. He then watched as he retreated back to the house and come back with the keys at which point he was still screaming ‘how did you get to be so fucking stupid’. I know he was talking about my friend because I saw the other side of the conversation with she was asking him to go and get something from the car.
I have certainly been in situations where myself and my husband have snap to each other and bickered at particularly stressful situations but this seems more extreme and I’m really worried he is saying these things to her.
They are intensely private and I know he would be horrified if he knew that somebody had witnessed this loss of control. I don’t know how to address it with my friend. I worry that she will tell him and then he may make it’s difficult for us to see them and further isolate her. I am also aware that when I was going through marriage problems my friend would always listen and not necessarily instigate conversations. How do I bring this up with her and check that she’s okay. I don’t want to tell her what my husband witnessed but I don’t know if I should.
Any advice?