Managing teenage relationships

[SilverMammoth]

Hello, just seeking some advice. We have a teenage son (14 yo) who has been dating a girl for nearly a year. We knew at the outset that her circumstances were unique, when she told him she was orphaned. However, this is not the case, and she is living with adoptive parents, who she finds difficult to get on with. She is medicated for ADHD, diagnosed bipolar, and has severe anxiety - so much so that she regularly self-harms and has made suicide attempts in the past. Our son also suffers with poor mental health, and it appears they have connected on this shared experience. However, I have severe concerns about the relationship. At the back end of last year our son overdosed, in an apparent suicide bid. We got an urgent phonecall from the school to say that the girl confessed that it was in fact a pact between them but that she chickened out last minute; we believe it was her suggestion. Since then, we have been checking the messages on our son's phone, to try to protect him, and she is pestering him for sex, saying she wants a baby (she is 14 yo), and is trying to arrange sexual encounters in public toilets. When she talks to him she uses abusive language, apparently as banter, but when she uses words such as 'man-whore', 'c**t', 'knobhead', 'dickhead of a boyfriend', we feel it is abusive and emotionally manipulative behaviour. She has recently overdosed again, and repeatedly (almost daily) says that she wants to run away, that one day she will be gone forever, etc. Our problem is that our son wants to be with her (he is ASC on top of poor mental health), but we have concerns that she is abusing him emotionally and could potentially put him at risk again. But he is unwilling to end the relationship and does not see the danger that she poses. How do we manage this? They attend the same school so it is difficult to prevent contact, and social media means they can be in touch all the time away from school. Some friends have said you have to cut all contact; others say, allow him freedom to choose and learn from his mistakes - but we feel the risks (pregnancy, death) are too high. What on earth can we do in this situation? We are feeling very out of our depth. Thanks for any thoughts.

I can only begin to imagine how stressful this situation is for you. It's bad enough when adult children are in bad relationships but for your 14 year old child to be in something so extremely toxic must be almost truly awful.

As for advice, I would talk to the school or GP about signposting you to a professional to help you navigate this.

My thoughts (for what they're worth - please test this with others) is that you do all you can to develop and build your relationship with your son through this time, as the stronger the bond is between you and him, the less hard it will be for the relationship to be ended, which it must be.

Also, do all you can to foster his relationships with others too, especially good adult role models. The more he can trust and relate to others, the better here.

Somehow you need to engineer for this relationship to end, but in a way that doesn't lead to a breakdown in relationship with you, and with him doubling down on his commitment to this toxic relationship after a botched attempt. As well as the strength of your relationship with him being important to this, you may need to do something radical to extract him
from this situation, but you would need advice from someone better qualified than me on this and lots of support.

Finally, you need to look for support for yourself, and this must be taking a huge toll on your mental health. By ensuring you are being supported, enables you to best support your son.

I wish you all the best, I do feel for your situation.

"... others say, allow him freedom to choose and learn from his mistakes - but we feel the risks (pregnancy, death) are too high."

Your instincts are right to reject this. Frankly, it's incredibly callous for anyone to suggest this given the severity of the situation and the fact he's a 14 year old boy!

Appropriately allowing a 14 year old to learn from their mistakes would be to allow him to forget his PE kit or allowing him to go out on a day where rain is predicted without a coat... not doing something with quite literally the same risks as Russian Roulette, if not higher!

DS was in a similarly toxic and tragic relationship (although not as long or as bad) and his mental health improved no end when it finished. The relationship made him suicidal and he started self-harming, I think to be the same as her. Keep the lines of communication open with him and non-judgemental, but concerned, so he will know that you will be there for him. Find him a therapist or school counsellor who can help him navigate an end to the relationship. Speak to him about contraception and that sex is illegal between minors (probably get slapped wrists at his age rather than on sexual offender lists and if so he could apply for it to be removed at adulthood but you can use this to explain that it’s not a good idea). Private therapist is expensive but at least you can talk with them about what advice you want them to be giving - find someone who will help your agenda. Find a therapist or support for yourself to help you deal with the distress and keep you strong. Take him away for fun weekends somewhere, anywhere eg with relatives, camping (bit cold) take one of his friends on day trips, help him to make new friends away from the school. Broaden his world. Help him find something he would enjoy more. She will need to find others to rely on in his absence and he may see that she brings him down. He needs to know that she’s not his responsibility. Make sure you tell her parents anytime you hear suicide threats or if this is a bad idea and would break trust then at least make sure he is able to tell you so that he is not carrying the awful responsibility by himself and speak to the school so they can help her with counselling. Help him to see that it is not wrong to find professionals to give her help. Suggest that you take his phone at night so she can’t call him, make sure she knows that it’s the parents taking the phone and not him ie relieve him of the responsibility for being there for her overnight, make sure he’s on board with this though as you don’t want to alienate him. He might be relieved to have the excuse. Basically do what you can to engineer a breakup while supporting him as much as possible. Beyond this I would consider moving schools. Sorry for the rambling reply. I’m so sorry you are going through this, stay strong xx

As he's only 14 and with already fragile mental health, I think I would be doing all I could to stop them seeing each other. She sounds very toxic and very bad for your son. Can he move schools? How about after school things to occupy his time? I would not facilitate him seeing her in the slightest and have a very honest conversation with him about why, and why you're worried about him and their relationship. Keep comms open, don't get angry/shouty, but do be really straight with him.

Thank you so much for all your help and advice. We have been very clear with him and have laid down the law regarding inappropriate behaviours, including sex, vaping and alcohol. We have had to intervene multiple times to prevent sexual activity or to flag inappropriate behaviours at school (she grabbed his hands and placed them on HER body while in a secluded corridor at school; she has been sending him semi-nude photos and requesting them from him, she has invited him to 'finger her' while out in public spaces, etc). If only we could move schools - he actually moved from another school due to inappropriate behaviour from teachers that totally undermined his trust in the school (he was taken off-site during school hours, given the keys to the deputy heads' home, accompanied one-to-one with an unfamiliar member of staff with two dogs with the intention of entering the property of the deputy head to return his dogs to his home. They got lost, couldn't find the property, then returned by the same route - all without our knowledge or consent. When we raised concerns with senior leaders we were threatened) so he's already had so much trauma and disruption from his previous school only to be landed in another really tricky situation. There is a lot of support at his current school so I would be reluctant to move him again. But he is blinkered to the danger. We are trying to keep tabs on it all, but it's difficult, and they are being increasingly deceptive. Xx

My daughter is 14 next month and she’s recently got a boyfriend. I found pictures on her phone of them lying in her friends bed, and I am so upset and angry. I fell pregnant at 16, and I know what you get up to at that age, I’m terrified that she’ll end up like me and I never wanted that for her. She’s never been interested in boys it’s just very recently and I don’t like it one bit. I’ve told her to talk to me if she feels that they’re going to do stuff and I will get her the contraception, and also told her if she gets pregnant she’s on her own. 😫