Moving on after domestic abuse

[Krazyk30]

Not sure where to start really but I'm hoping to get some advice or have the chance to speak to people who may have been through something similar to me. I am currently in the most amazing relationship I have ever experienced with the most caring man who I love. However, my past always seems to creep into my present and I really want to find a way to completely release its power over my life. Currently, most days I am fine however I do have certain triggers, and my mood can fluctuate massively in a very short period of time, often after such trigger. I can go from feeling on top of the world to having severe negative thoughts that consume me, but I'm aware that they are not normal or caused by anything that is proportionate to make me feel that way. It also affects me intimately at times, as I often feel dirty or switch off and take my mind elsewhere, but this is absolutely not related to the present, it is all the past and I'm fully aware of that and want to stop it. My question is how can I stop this, and how can I fully forget and move on from the past. For a bit of context, I was involved in a relationship for 5 years when I was a lot younger with an older man that was extremely abusive in most ways possible, and after I finally escaped that relationship i went into complete self destruct mode for a few years where I put myself in bad situations (often hoping that something bad would happen to me as I felt that was what I deserved). I'm no longer that person and I have changed so much for the better but I know I'm not completely 'normal' and want to be able to get myself to an even better place so I can truly enjoy my life. Thanks for listening x

I was in an abusive relationship and after it ended I reported him to the police and was lucky to receive help from a local domestic abuse charity. I had counselling and it really did help me to see things differently, to view myself differently. Is there anything nearby like that for u?

Thanks for the reply! Sorry you had to go through that, you were so brave to report him and help prevent future victims! There isn't anything that I'm aware of, although I have looked it's like a minefield! All I have found is private counselling which I couldn't afford to do regularly and to be honest I would be too anxious to even go as silly as that sounds! My tactic so far has been to keep busy, progress forward which has helped but its still there underneath everything x

Hey OP, sorry to hear you're feeling this way! I've been there too when it comes to these feelings and I agree with Ilovecakez, I think learning about and getting mental health support can really help.

There are free resources out there and I believe any therapy provided through the NHS is supposed to be free of charge, but investing in it when you can afford it will definitely help as well; it's also great that you're in a relationship with someone caring who should be able to support you through it.

You say you'd be too anxious to go, but you can also have sessions at home these days, and perhaps learning more about mental health first will also give you courage, I think www.mind.org.uk/ is great!

You asked My question is how can I stop this, and how can I fully forget but I think it's hard if not impossible to forget traumatic events in life, what you can do is learn to manage these feelings so that they don't stop you from becoming a shadow of who you should be! Best wishes to you!🌻

Thank you so much! I have taken your advice and have signed up for betterhelp counselling which would make me feel less anxious as it's not as direct face to face, so I'm hoping it helps and allows me to talk about what happened and let it go! I know I won't ever forget it completely but if I can learn to not allow it to trigger me or affect my mood or actions, then I guess that it's the next best thing! I'm sorry you also went through this! Seems like it is more common than people realise which is really sad! I shall update once iv had some counselling :)

So glad to hear you've taken action! 🙂
I tried both in-person and virtual sessions and prefer virtual. It's not only more comfortable in that sense but also faster, more convenient and cheaper because you don't have to travel and you can reach a wider number of therapists as you're not limited to your area, it's great!

I felt anxious about meeting a therapist I'd be stuck with and didn't like, but remember, you can switch them any time until you find one that makes you totally comfortable! Some are more blunt, others more soft, it depends on your needs and preferences but don't leave therapy if it doesn't go well with one person. Therapists can use one same method but their vibes can be all different.

Additionally, I also found life coaching quite useful, the difference to me is that therapy is clinical and they analyse your past, while coaching can help with future plans and goals. I really struggled to set and stick to goals so I found coaching more useful for goal setting than therapy, but therapy was the best place to start. You can also read blogs, watch videos in the meantime, and just do more of the things you love, don't only stay busy doing things you have to do like work but also things you don't have to do but love nevertheless! All the best!🌺