Best ways to maintain relationship with partner after second child born?

[scrambledeggy]

I have been with my partner for around a decade. We have one toddler and I am soon (hopefully!) to have our second child. With our first, the early months were hard going, but DC1 has slotted right in and we still have a great relationship.

However, almost everyone is telling me to expect a big deterioration in our relationship after DC2 is born, and we have friends and family who experienced exactly this, even to the point of breaking up.

Me and my partner both have siblings, and our parents have very strong relationships so I know it's not inevitable, but no-one's actually given us any good, concrete advice on how to maintain your relationship after your second is born! Help?

Having the second child adds a new dynamic. A new personality for each of the other three people in the family to form a bond.
We found it strengthened our relationship to have two children as we really had to work as a team to cope.
Once youngest child is about four sleep returns, couple time is easier, robust adventures are possible and the family time was very rewarding from them onwards forever.
You will most likely revert,by default, back to your own family ways and be like your parents.

I have to say that I didn't find that dc2 was anywhere near as overwhelming to dc1. I suspect what you might be seeing is people who had a rocky relationship before a second child (but who masked it well), who went on to have another with the hopes it would 'cement' their relationship and it didn't. When you go from none to 1, your whole world turns upside down, routines change, you don't have the freedoms you used to. But with 2, you're used to it already and it's not such a massive change.

Really though, I think it's all about both of you getting stuck in and doing the graft. When you can both support each other, it's easier all around. We tag teamed. I did dc2 and dh did dc1, and then as needed we switched off. And it's also key to make sure you each have time to yourself too. Time to do things you enjoy and see friends and re-charge while the other takes both dc.

We didn't have the option for a babysitter (no family help and I wasn't comfortable leaving them as babies with someone who didn't know them well), but we made a real effort on the weekends to stay up a bit later and actually spend time together. If you have someone who could stay with them for a few hours, so that you can actually go out for a meal, even better.

The load needs to be shared. Fairly. It's a huge amount of work. Otherwise resentment builds, from the one doing all the work the mother, to the one not pulling their weight. Then divorce happens.

There is no concrete advice. Respect each other and work as a team. Make sure you get some time alone together. But if you have a healthy relationship, you'll do that automatically.

Fake it til you make it I say. Make the effort to be physically affectionate even if it seems like hard work. Obviously if you feel touched out it’s totally fine to say no but if you just feel a bit tired or disinterested, it’s worth at least having a cuddle and a massage, and ‘seeing where it goes’ just to maintain that connection.

Also, dividing and conquering is great. One child feels piss easy compared to juggling two so doing separate activities with each is sometimes far more relaxing. Don’t feel like you all have to be together just because it’s a weekend or you both have the day off.

I'm not going to lie; the early days with 2 were really tough and I had PPD, we had a lot of arguments and I think if it had kept going the way it was, we well may have not made it. But once I got help for the PPD and we got into a proper routine and worked as a team it became a lot easier. Now our relationship is back as good as it's ever been, DD1 is nearly 3 and DD2 is almost 6 months.

Yep. This

Make sure you share the load as, as others have said, resentment builds. This started happening with me after second child as I felt I was doing more bedtimes etc. I spoke to him (over text as find it easier to write things down - we are both crap communicators at times!) and he stepped up and it’s better now, feels more equal and I also feel he respects me more - honestly as soon as one partner starts treating the other as a skivvy, or is seen as that for me it’s a killer, we are not living in the 1950’s…luckily we nipped it in the bud . Pick your battles - there are times I’ve wanted to nag him about tiny things but you know what to let go and what to make an issue if that makes sense. Remember things will get easier so be kind to yourselves E.g you don’t need to arrange big days out all the time. We overall have come through 2nd child unscathed, looking forward to when they don’t need so much entertainment all the time though! Oh and also, both make time for ‘me time’ and respect that. It does feel a bit like we are tag teaming with the children at times, but it works for us.

@SnappyTheCrocodile dividing and conquering has really worked for us..glad you put this as sometimes feel bad we don’t spend loads of time doing ‘family days out’ every second of the weekend thanks social media But it works well with me taking older DD out sometimes and DH staying at home with the baby, and we all get along which is the main thing! Sometimes at kids parties with similar age gap families I see the whole family turn up with husband and baby in tow and just think - this would not work for us! Ha

I echo what @user1492757084 has said, it made us into more of a team - a lot of the mundane tasks, nappies, feeding, bath etc allows you to take one child each.

As long as you can work together (I.e. he will pull his weight) you’ll be great

I read recently that the most important gift you can give your children is two parents who love each other. It's advice I wish I'd had many years ago - it would have made me truly think about the value of all the other things that take away your time and energy with young children.
So, whatever love means to you amd your partner, just remember- as the saying goes, love is a verb - you have to act on it! Date nights, cuddling on the sofa, time out together, small gifts, remaining spontaneously affectionate.
The danger is that distraction and drudgery create disconnection and resentment - and can cast a long shadow.
Even though it may sound a bit trite - that's my genuine advice OP. Good luck!

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, these are all making me feel so much more positive and giving me lots to think about (in a good way!).