Are enigmatic people addictive?

[HooveringisapunishmentfromSatan]

I feel incredibly embarrassed/weird posting this, but thought writing it down might help, and if anyone has any insight, I would appreciate it.

I am F, 40 & gay. I've had a friend since school who is the kind of person that everyone remembers. She is bi, but really only sees men. She is bold, beautiful and very uninhibited. Nothing ever happened between us until last year when we got hideously drunk and ended up hooking up.

I am married. I confessed it to my wife immediately, went straight into therapy and am now sober (not just because of what happened, I was already questioning how I felt about alcohol, but this pushed me over the edge).

Me and DW are good. Cheating is abhorrent to me...I never ever thought I would be that person, and have worked hard to make things right. My DW was ok about it, and even encouraged me to not give up the friendship.

The problem I have is that the friend is almost...addictive? Nothing will ever happen between us again, we both knew we had fucked up and risked my marriage as well as our friendship. Even if I was single, we are deeply incompatible - she is flighty, disorganised, messy, and takes a lot of recreational drugs. I am a neat freak, a planner & pretty anti-drugs. It would all implode very quickly. She has a job/lifestyle that means she travels a lot & you never know when she may be around.

Has anyone ever known someone like this? That feels like they are addictive? Especially combined with being enigmatic and unpredictable. What annoys me is she often says that people 'fall in love with her' and she then pulls back and leaves them pining after her. Which would normally make me tell someone to get the fuck over themselves...but I feel like this is how I feel too. I have always felt this way about her, since we were young, but just pushed it to the side because I didn't want to wreck the friendship by telling her how I felt. It feels with her like no time has passed since school, and we are still 16, not 40.

I've tried to pick it all apart with a therapist but still feel like I can't quite get to the bottom of why she feels so addictive.

Gosh, long, sorry.

Maybe what is addictive is the sense of no responsibilities? Her reckless attitude?

@TaRaDeBumDeAy That's a good point & I've wondered that. She is definitely reckless and in many ways still lives like a teenager/20s. I've always been envious of how 'free' she seemed, although that seems to be catching up now as nearly everyone else in our peer group has moved on, bought a house, partners kids etc..

Other people can be addictive because of what they represent.

Since that is your experience of her, if you want to remain loyal to your wife, I would keep away from her.

I’m sure my DH has passing attractions to other women as do I to other men, but it would break my heart if he was regularly spending time with another woman and felt addicted to her.

I know your wife has encouraged the friendship but does she understand the intensity of your interest in this other woman? Even if you never hook up again, it doesn’t sound healthy and I can’t help feeling your DW must be missing out while so much of your feelings are directed at this other woman.

Narcissists can be addictive.

So can limerence.

Are you a bit of a people pleaser? It could be knowing that friend could take you or leave you and wouldn't give a shit either way. You want to make her like you. Make her care about you. Well she never will. She's shown that she's happy to be a marriage wrecker 😬

The question is, why choose to spend your time with her at the expense of other people who do care about you? Even a hobby would be more beneficial for you... There are so many other pursuits and interests you could choose. Think about where you want to be in 10 years. I doubt this person is a part of that picture.

We don't wear blinkers when we are in a relationship. I'm sure lots of us have passing infatuation/fancy someone else at times. But if you value yourself and your partner and you don't encourage that feeling you let it go - it will go, eventually. Analysing and brooding over another does no good. It's quite sad that you're ruminating over another person to this extent. The sensible thing would be to keep away from this friend. If you value your relationship that is of course, as maybe you don't

@Dery Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, my wife knows the full extent of it. I've had these feelings about this friend since we were young (and I have witnessed others get caught up in her whirlwind too), so DW has always known about this.

I have considered stepping back, but feel that if I can untangle why she has this hold on me then I will be able to let it go. Another aspect is although she is very charismatic and knows lots of people, she seems to have very few friends that she can turn to, lean on and trust. So that plays into it.

I worry about her; her reckless attitude and the drug-taking etc, I worry that one day I will get 'that' phone call about her. And I know I'm not responsible for her, she is a grown woman. But I would still feel that I'm unfairly letting her down if I cut myself off.

Ugh!

@beastlyslumber Yes! I have done sooo much reading on both over the last year or so, and I do believe that. Although 'limerence' can be a bit of an eye-roll, it is totally that. It's not just a crush but something more addictive and all-consuming. And there's something about the randomness of her behaviour that strikes the addictive part of my brain, the whole 'intermittent rewards' thing.

She deffo has narcissistic tendencies, but the loyal part of me screams 'yeah but that's not who she really is! She's a good person and masks her issues with all this bravado'. She was a victim of childhood sexual abuse too, which I can see has played into how she is now.

From what you wrote, she’s an addict. You don’t have a friendship with this woman, it smacks of codependency.

Do some reading around codependency. It’s not healthy.

@Merlott That isn't the case. She definitely does give a shit and shows it. After we hooked up, she was in bits about it and was really worried about my DW and how she would feel. She wasn't concerned for herself, and definitely wasn't happy to be a 'marriage wrecker'. Perhaps I should have made that clear originally.

Of course I would still want her in my life in 10 years' time. We have been friends for 25 years. If she was someone I had only met a year ago, yes I would let it go. But that's not the case & part of what makes it so difficult.

@BuddhaAtSea hmm. I'm not sure I agree - what makes a friendship valid? There's no difference in how we communicate or spend time together (lunches, days out, messages etc) to my other friendships - and it's not a case of me chasing/giving and her just taking...it's balanced.

The difference I guess is how I feel. It's only her that has this affect on me.

@BuddhaAtSea I do appreciate the codependency thought though. It's something I need to look at. I just want to understand why she triggers this when nobody else ever has.

Some people just have the magnetic magic energy - perhaps you feel free when you’re around her and that’s why it’s addictive?

I hate to sound egotistical but people tend to fall for me very quickly and become infatuated, I believe it’s because I’m very ‘myself’ and know myself very well, which gives other people the confidence to be more themselves.

@Newusernameaug Yes! That's exactly how it is. She's very authentic, uninhibited and doesn't really give a shit what anyone thinks of her. She will often say the thing that others are too scared to. And being around her, I do feel more free, less restricted.

Hmmm.