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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why can't I do it?

23 replies

Hope880 · 27/02/2023 06:59

We share a DD and for the 100th time my partner has been messaging another women online saying he hopes she doesn't disappoint him etc... she's someone we both know. I am so hurt and yes it's on the tip of my tongue to tell him we are done etc! But why do i hesitate!! I am 34 years old and have wasted years with him when I am desperate to have another child and of course I haven't with him... please give me some words of encouragement to leave once and for all and go and get the life I want!! I feel like I am going insane and I can't do this anymore!!

OP posts:

Nottelling15 · 27/02/2023 07:02

So you both know her and he's messaging her online and you have caught him out before
Just kick him out no words needed

EVHead · 27/02/2023 07:50

Are you married? Own your home, or renting?

Original poster

Hope880 · 27/02/2023 09:06

@EVHead - it's his house, but I do have somewhere I can go and I would be ok. So the practicalities are there, which I appreciate I am very lucky to have - but it doesn't ease the mental/emotional torture that comes with this x

OP posts:

Channellingsophistication · 27/02/2023 09:07

i think you have to think realistically about the future. You could:

a) forgive him, smooth things over and have another baby. Find yourself at 38 with 2 small children with him having full blown affairs. (As there was no consequence to his actions he thought it ok to carry on). Oh and loose all your confidence and self esteem.

b) end the relationship. Focus on your current child get your life/confidence back knowing you have respect for yourself. A young, confident woman with respect for herself will have no trouble in attracting a new partner and in time if all goes well, you could have a child.

hope you go for b)

lamaze1 · 27/02/2023 09:11

Is your daughter a girl? Do you want her to grow up thinking that she should accept this sort of treatment from a partner? Or if you have a boy, do you really want to raise a mini me (of his dad)?

Also the longer you stay with him the longer before you have another child.

Sorry you're going through this.

Channellingsophistication · 27/02/2023 09:25

Just to also say, I’m not saying its easy, It’s really hard to end a relationship. But you have to think of long term happiness.

Original poster

Hope880 · 27/02/2023 09:26

I agree with everything you have all said - I just wish I was one of those women who instantly recognised their worth enough to finish it immediately. I've always struggled with this... x

OP posts:

lamaze1 · 27/02/2023 10:30

By doing it he is telling you he doesn't respect or value you. You really are worth more and do deserve better. No one should have to put up with this.

Sellsellseller · 27/02/2023 10:33

It’s always hard to leave but you have to think long term.

chipswitheveryting · 27/02/2023 14:39

He's reallly affecting your self esteem.

Could it be a comfortable life except for his misdemeanours? Maybe you aren't prepared to lose everything you have. Maybe you don't want the feeling of a failed relationship or of people knowing why it ended. Pretending it isn't happening keeps you in a cosy relationship and established home and your DD has her dad there. Is he good with your DD? Does he do his share around the house? Is he fair with money? Maybe you're happy to overlook his sexual behaviour to keep all of the good stuff you have. Having another child with him would make him way more likely to play away again. Not a relationship to bring another child into.

Many men are rats and can't control their urges.

What would it actually take for you to walk away forever?

Maybe you should have a little Vacation at this place you can stay? Just take your daughter and go there for a few days and see how you feel and how you manage. There doesn't need to be a big announcement, just, 'I need a break, back in a few days'

Original poster

Hope880 · 01/03/2023 10:15

I really appreciate all your replies... I have take all of your words/advice on board.

As someone who is almost 35, have I really got time to meet someone new and have more children? xx

OP posts:

2022NewTimes · 01/03/2023 12:29

Hope880 · 01/03/2023 10:15

I really appreciate all your replies... I have take all of your words/advice on board.

As someone who is almost 35, have I really got time to meet someone new and have more children? xx

@Hope880 - its not even about meeting someone else. You need to happy in your own skin and happy being on your own. Then only let people in that enhance your life. Better to be on your own than in a bad relationship.....

Isheabastard · 01/03/2023 13:48

I was unable to tell my husband I wanted to leave.

I finally said I was unhappy and I wanted relationship counselling.

He refused, so it was easier to say if it won’t at least do that I was leaving.

My self esteem has been eroded over the years and I feel very intimidated by him. I find the only time I can stand up to him is when I’m really angry. My anger takes over from the fear that’s always holding me back.

Seaoftroubles · 01/03/2023 14:43

O. P you want to leave and you need to leave.You are lucky to have somewhere to go where you can be happy with your child and don't have to be on tenterhooks wondering who he is messaging.
If you can't face that straight away then please get some counselling to help you understand why you have set your bar so low and to help you realise your worth.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/03/2023 15:09

I got really stuck on this following my husband's affair. It's taken months of counselling working on my self esteem to finally make me take the leap.
If counselling isn't an option for you right now you could try journalling. I didn't think it was for me at first but it's good to get my thoughts down. Also look into any books you can read. I found Lundy Bancroft why does he do that to be a good starting point. My counsellor has recommended more specific books which have helped me.

Watchkeys · 01/03/2023 16:37

Where were you taught that staying is the only viable option, and that leaving is not ok? Did your parents stay together when they ought to have split? Did you have to stay in the family home as a child when you would have preferred to be elsewhere?

Original poster

Hope880 · 01/03/2023 16:43

@Watchkeys - yes, exactly both of these things

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 01/03/2023 19:04

So the answer to your question is 'Because you are still responding to your childhood conditioning.'

When we turn 18, we are deemed to be adults, which means we don't need to be parented by somebody else any more. That's not because we don't need parenting, it's because we can parent ourselves. You are parenting yourself in the way you've been shown: if things are hard, you can't just leave (for example), you have to suck it up and stay.

It's time to parent yourself differently. What's the voice inside you telling you about this relationship? The confident voice that knows it's right? Is it angry? Disappointed? Jealous of other people who aren't stuck in crap relationships? What would you scream out, if you were allowed to make all your deep feelings known to the world? What can you tell us (or yourself) that you'd never say to anyone else? That's the voice you need to respect. That's the real you, and that's the you that's never been heard or indulged all your life. If you start to respect her, you'll become one of those awesome self respecting people who don't get fazed by life. And you'll feel a million times better.

Original poster

Hope880 · 05/03/2023 20:59

I lost it tonight and ended up shouting at him saying that I know he's been messaging someone else (again.) he said "yes! You fell for the trap - I wanted to prove that you look at my phone" I mean what an absolute idiot..

Said I've got a shock coming my way now tomorrow...

This all started because I asked for £3.50 for our daughter tomorrow to take into school and he told me to f**k off because I've never contributed to HIS mortgage.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 05/03/2023 21:42

He sounds absolutely vile and has zero respect for you O.P. You say you have somewhere to go so there's no need to spend another minute with this horrible man.Please leave as soon as you can.

SpringleDingle · 05/03/2023 22:04

Take a deep breath, be terrified and do it anyway. He is a disrespectful arse and you are worth more. It’s SO not easy and I just finally blocked my ex on all platforms for manipulating me again. It was hard and I feel guilty but I it’s done. You can do this too!

SunflowerTed · 05/03/2023 22:43

Get rid

Watchkeys · 06/03/2023 12:49

Even if he was trying to prove that you look at his phone, it would be the pathetic, cowardly solution to a perceived relationship problem. A decent, respectful partner wouldn't be setting traps like that. Whatever you've done, he has proven himself to be a coward who is incapable of healthy conflict resolution.

His cover-up excuse is as bad as what he's guilty of, just in a different way.

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