Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have I made a terrible mistake?

19 replies

milkyway512 · 27/02/2023 05:56

I dated this guy who I met on OLD for a month and a bit. I wasn’t initially looking for anything serious, as I was in all honesty just looking to lose my v card! Silly I know. I’m 23 but I was 20 at the time. But afterwards he wanted to see me again so I agreed, and he took me to this really fancy restaurant in the city.

while on our first date, he said he wanted to introduce me to his family and specifically his grandma as he thought we’d get along. he was really nice and being very gentlemanly, and we went all over the city, it was wonderful. He gave me the passcode to his phone which I felt was a bit strange. However, the thing is is it felt like a committed relationship already, even though we’d only just met each other. He mentioned visiting other countries and travelling together on this first date.

i met his grandmother and family about a week later, and within this time frame he said I was ‘wife material’, he hinted at buying me a ring, and asked me when I wanted kids etc. the thing is I don’t know whether this was all genuine or not - I know it was love bombing, but it felt like he gave me so much on a plate, like consistency, a relationship, sex, etc. that I’d never had before. He also had a confidence I hadn’t seen before in anyone I’d been with. It seemed like he really cared for me and part of me trusted him, but part of me didn’t. He was also in touch with an ex in some capacity. The thing that makes me think it could’ve been genuine is he apologised if he thought he made a mistake, and he was always willing to communicate, even more than me.

I ended things once, and then got back together, and then I ended things again. I don’t think I was too happy with him which is why I don’t want to be with him now, but I’m worried I lost someone who was genuine and who could’ve been a great partner. I also feel really guilty about the way I ended things the final time, which was over text and I didn’t even give him the chance to respond because I blocked him. I feel awful. I was just wondering your thoughts on this, whether you think I’m in the wrong or a bad person, and whether he was genuine?

thank you

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 27/02/2023 06:02

It’s possible he was. How long did you see him for in total? My bf was a bit like that from early on, it’s only been 3 months still but he was talking about in the future buying a house, getting married after 2mths. It did make me a bit wary. I don’t think he’s not genuine though. He knows we can’t do any of those things for a few years anyway due to kids / commitments. He has a confidence about him too. I guess it’s not always lovebombing. You always hear people saying they knew from date 1 it was the person they were going to marry.

when did you end things? You could message him and say you wanted to apologise for the way things ended. But probably better to just leave it at that I think

Donnashair · 27/02/2023 06:03

You are giving this too much head space. He was suffocating my full on. You were right not to trust that.

You ended it. You both moved in. He is unlikely given you much thought. Just moved in to love bombing someone else.

You aren’t a bad person. It’s not ideal to block him, before he responded. But you don’t have to want a response from him. He would likely have just tried to talk you round.

If that’s how you felt it needed to be at the time, that’s fine.

One act, doesn’t make you a bad person. There’s more to you than one decision to text and block.

You didn’t want to be with him so didn’t lose anyone. It just wasn’t for you.

Have you had a relationship since?

3kidswouldfinishanyoneoff · 27/02/2023 06:03

He was 20, sounds like he got carried away bless him.

There'll be others along to say you've doged a bullet but only you could really know this.

Original poster
milkyway512 · 27/02/2023 06:09

Donnashair · 27/02/2023 06:03

You are giving this too much head space. He was suffocating my full on. You were right not to trust that.

You ended it. You both moved in. He is unlikely given you much thought. Just moved in to love bombing someone else.

You aren’t a bad person. It’s not ideal to block him, before he responded. But you don’t have to want a response from him. He would likely have just tried to talk you round.

If that’s how you felt it needed to be at the time, that’s fine.

One act, doesn’t make you a bad person. There’s more to you than one decision to text and block.

You didn’t want to be with him so didn’t lose anyone. It just wasn’t for you.

Have you had a relationship since?

Thank you for your response. I have had a relationship since, but it wasn’t as serious as the one with him.

OP posts:
Fuckstix · 27/02/2023 06:14

Nah I think your intuition was probably right about him moving far too fast and saying too much even if that was in this case because he was immature and got carried away rather than that he was manipulating you. It wasn't a nice or mature thing to do to block him but leave it now and move on.

What was going on with his ex? That might have been what was convincing you that he wasn't all sweetness and light.

Learn from your part in this and take that forward- that is to say take your time getting to know men and if you want to end things do it in a civil way.

lovem · 27/02/2023 06:19

"I ended things once, and then got back together, and then I ended things again. I don’t think I was too happy with him".

This is key! It wasn't a mistaken blip.

I think you just wish you had met someone who you COULD have started all the long-term things with by now. Looking back, he offered them, but it wasn't right.

You had instincts, trust them.

barmycatmum · 27/02/2023 06:19

You were 20; how old was he? This is red flags all over, and I think you did the right thing, although blocking was a bit extreme unless you didn’t feel safe.
it sounds like the kind of man who wants a woman who has only had him as a lover.

Dzogchen · 27/02/2023 06:47

You ‘weren’t too happy’ with him, so you ended things. This is not a mistake!

And agree with others that he sounds suffocating and a bit mad, if he’s talking about travelling together on your first date!

JPG21 · 27/02/2023 07:30

So many red flags, you did right to walk away and you'll realise that in years to come,💐

Dery · 27/02/2023 07:38

“You ‘weren’t too happy’ with him, so you ended things. This is not a mistake!

And agree with others that he sounds suffocating and a bit mad, if he’s talking about travelling together on your first date!”

This.

SunflowerTed · 27/02/2023 07:41

milkyway512 · 27/02/2023 05:56

I dated this guy who I met on OLD for a month and a bit. I wasn’t initially looking for anything serious, as I was in all honesty just looking to lose my v card! Silly I know. I’m 23 but I was 20 at the time. But afterwards he wanted to see me again so I agreed, and he took me to this really fancy restaurant in the city.

while on our first date, he said he wanted to introduce me to his family and specifically his grandma as he thought we’d get along. he was really nice and being very gentlemanly, and we went all over the city, it was wonderful. He gave me the passcode to his phone which I felt was a bit strange. However, the thing is is it felt like a committed relationship already, even though we’d only just met each other. He mentioned visiting other countries and travelling together on this first date.

i met his grandmother and family about a week later, and within this time frame he said I was ‘wife material’, he hinted at buying me a ring, and asked me when I wanted kids etc. the thing is I don’t know whether this was all genuine or not - I know it was love bombing, but it felt like he gave me so much on a plate, like consistency, a relationship, sex, etc. that I’d never had before. He also had a confidence I hadn’t seen before in anyone I’d been with. It seemed like he really cared for me and part of me trusted him, but part of me didn’t. He was also in touch with an ex in some capacity. The thing that makes me think it could’ve been genuine is he apologised if he thought he made a mistake, and he was always willing to communicate, even more than me.

I ended things once, and then got back together, and then I ended things again. I don’t think I was too happy with him which is why I don’t want to be with him now, but I’m worried I lost someone who was genuine and who could’ve been a great partner. I also feel really guilty about the way I ended things the final time, which was over text and I didn’t even give him the chance to respond because I blocked him. I feel awful. I was just wondering your thoughts on this, whether you think I’m in the wrong or a bad person, and whether he was genuine?

thank you

he sounds intense and a massive love number! Lucky escape!

0o0o0o0 · 27/02/2023 07:43

You have years ahead of you. For whatever reason you felt the ick. Listen to your gut.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 27/02/2023 07:44

Relationships are one area where going with your gut feeling is absolutely the right thing to do. It wasn't right - even after a second chance - so you ended it.

Don't get in touch again - this will not make it any easier for him to move on.

Calmdown14 · 27/02/2023 08:18

Even if he was the right person (not convinced but we'll ignore that), it was the wrong time for you.

He was your first. If you'd settled down and married you'd be storing up problems in the future.

Both of these factors need to come together at the same time. Only half of a jigsaw is useless, no matter how lovely the box it comes in

Seaoftroubles · 27/02/2023 08:34

He was love bombing you and future faking, a heady mix at the time. Your instincts were right though, and you finished with him twice. Your gut feeling is never wrong!

SammyScrounge · 01/08/2023 14:11

He sounds dodgy.

Marmite17 · 19/08/2023 14:29

JPG21 · 27/02/2023 07:30

So many red flags, you did right to walk away and you'll realise that in years to come,💐

This

TetrapanaxRex · 19/08/2023 14:36

Was he a foreigner with designs on getting married to stay here?

Original poster
milkyway512 · 19/08/2023 18:06

TetrapanaxRex · 19/08/2023 14:36

Was he a foreigner with designs on getting married to stay here?

No he was from England luckily :P but it does seem that way doesn’t it?

ive taken months to think about it, and rereading the post I’ve written I can say that I didn’t make a mistake and am glad I followed my gut. I think the love bombing etc were all red flags and to be honest I think that’s enough to know I didn’t make a mistake, even if a small crumb of it was genuine (which it probably wasn’t).

I’ve put it down to being young and stupid at 20 :P I’ve learned my lesson, not to just try and lose my virginity to a random guy on OLD! It was a very bad idea. But lessons are learned this way so I don’t regret it.

thank you to those who responded :)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page