Where is the trust

[Reallylonelyrighnow]

I don’t know if I can carry on with my DH. He says his affair is over yet with his inability to come clean about his emotional state. I’m struggling to find the trust we had. Do I persevere or call it a day?

It can take years, if ever to rebuilt trust broken by betrayal. Don't be too hard on yourself OP. How long have you known about the affair? Sending hugs, many have been through this life altering position. There is light at the end of the tunnel. X

Maybe rather than trying to find what you had,why not try to rebuild based upon what you both have learned? What you had led in part to where you are now.

What if he has no real idea of where he is emotionally at this point? You may be wanting a clarity that he does not have to give at this point.

You can only begin from where you each are at this point and not from where you would like to be. If you are unwilling to take this journey together , you should probably save yourself some pain and end it now.

You don't say how long you are from D day. Perhaps it is all too soon but I'm sharing something I read on here a while back, which is very applicable. I have known men take 6mths before they were ready to accept responsibility and actively work at forging a new marriage. In both situations, their wives were prepared to give them time. However both had a plan 'B' - got their ducks in a row, put money aside, all the usual things in case it didn't work out.

"Healthy reconciliation now means facing a number of key truths head on. It's not pleasant and hardly for the faint of heart. Discussing issues of trauma, PTSD, right to informed sexual consent (which was taken by the cheat) has to happen. The cheat needs to feel remorseful and work to be a safe partner. Tbh if the cheat isn't working their absolute arse off any one advising the betrayed would say leave."

You won't ever have the trust you once had. You might learn to compartmentalise, and to choose trust again and again over each situation as you encounter it, but it won't be there as a default, ever again.
That is hard to hear but it is the truth.
The other thing is to be prepared to question things you may never have questioned before in a way you would not have questioned before.
He might be late in from work. The old you might have worried that there had been an accident. Nothing else. The new you will start wondering where he is, what he's doing, was he different when you saw him this morning, did he take a bag with him, etc. That's the hell cheaters impose upon their trusting partners.
Your decision to stay should be based on what serves you the best.

Try this website - some helpful things there.

www.survivinginfidelity.com

I would also say that when I was cheated on, in the immediate aftermath, I spent a lot of time analysing his phone in secret. Over the months I spent less and less time looking at his phone. Several months down the line I confronted him about something. He thought I had found out this thing via looking at his phone, but I hadn't actually, I hadn't looked at his phone for weeks.
His response was that he was getting to the stage where he couldn't live with feeling uncomfortable because I was checking his phone in secret 'all the time'.
Through their selfish actions, cheaters not only negatively affect their partner's life (and other family members), they also negatively affect their own wellbeing.