Supporting a friend in MH distress / crisis

[FusionChefGeoff]

I met up with my 2 oldest friends this weekend for a night away.

1 of them has always been quite unstable - she had a traumatic childhood, narcissistic mother, black sheep dynamic, DV relationships followed and, although always in work, she's never been able to hold down anything for very long.

She's finally settled the past 4 years, is in a decent relationship with a seemingly lovely man and we were starting to relax thinking she would finally find happiness.

They took in a Ukrainian family (mum, dad, 10 Yr old boy) and it broke down very dramatically with police involvement, the Dad threatening them physically and months of trauma and, effectively, more "domestic" abuse.

This seems to have triggered a serious MH crisis and she's a mess. I knew she was unhappy as she'd lost some weight recently - but it was to her 'normal' size after lockdown gain so didn't think too much of it.

But now she's skin and bone and got absolutely shit faced and spent hours sobbing and ranting about her upbringing and what a failure she is

We live about an hour away and see each other every couple of months but I'm going to send frequent texts and also call her every few days to try to continue her talking to me.

She has started seeing a counsellor which is awesome but at £80 a session I'm worried she'll do a few weeks, declare herself 'fixed' and then carry on ignoring the issues.

She needs to go NC with her whole family but she can't / won't.

I've pointed her towards the Stately Home threads and often send specific ones to her but I don't think she reads them.

She's a complete mess and I haven't been able to stop thinking about her all weekend.

She also hasn't answered my text

Any advice on how I can support her??

There is some wonderful services out there and many inspirational stories that are sometime difficult to watch but so long as she continues to seek support and has a friend like your self that she knows she can turn to when she's struggling it's a start
The gp could possibly refer her to counselling and there is many mental health services out there although they do take a while sometimes
And if she watches my time to talk she will find some very inspirational stories that may give her hope
Has you tried parentingmentalhealth.org
They have numbers and helplines but first and foremost seek proffessional help
Sometimes we all cut off from the people closest to us u just need to be there if she has a solid support network she will get through this

Is she on medication from her GP? Sounds like she might need that as a first and then, alongside that, the counselling. You are supporting her well in keeping in touch but try not to take it onto yourself as you will get exhausted. I wouldn't suggest she breaks ties with her family as maybe in the counselling she may come to this herself.

You are being a great friend to your friend. You need to be careful not to offer 'advice' though because you don't want to be disagreeing with her therapist and you also might not know the full story from your friend. And you're not (I assume) a professional. The most important thing you can do for her, I think, is to listen, non-judgementally, even if she says things you disagree with. Part of changing and dealing with hard things which have happened to us is to talk about them 'out loud'. Have a look at Mental Health England's info mhfaengland.org/mhfa-centre/resources/ You might consider doing the Mental Health First Aid course as it could be useful for your current situation, yourself or any future situations. It's important to recognise the limits of the help you can offer (which I think you are doing) and also to now what the warning signs are for when anyone needs encouraging to seek professional help or when you might need to access emergency help for them. Also, obviously, look after yourself because it's not helpful to end up with two casualties!

Hello OP, Just re-read your post. Why do you think she needs to go non-contact with her whole family? Am I missing something? (apologies if so) For such drastic action it would be best if her therapist was involved.

Thank you so much.

Yes on reflection I think you're right and I need to back away from specific advice. I don't trust a lot of what she says anyway as she's so prone to exaggeration. She also hates losing face so often lies to make herself seem like the victim but I know how difficult she can be so I'm sure there's also another side to most of her stories.

Her family is a huge source of stress and pain for her - she keeps expecting them to behave like a normal loving family and is devastated every single time they don't.

Her mum is toxic (I have seen this first hand and not just via the stories) and has set up a golden child vs black sheep dynamic which the golden children are all too happy to play into. I know my friend is far from blameless in the many dramas that frequent her life - but if she would just back away from all of them we would stand a chance of the worst of their behaviour having less impact.

Her mum is also horrendously bigoted / judgemental / superior / narcissistic and these traits have 100% transferred into my friend - she's doing her best to break the cycle but every time she sees her mum they all come flooding back. Then she hates that she upsets people with her eye rolling / scoffing. It all comes from a place of deep insecurity and zero self esteem. Without them putting her down all the time she may be able to start building herself back up.