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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

It's been 5yrs and I think he will end me

22 replies

Iwanttobreathagain · 26/02/2023 21:07

I have always been scared of him but still answers back even when I knew what the repercussions were. But recently it's all the time, every day, in a day he would snap at me continuously. I'm actually scared of him, I'm really scared of him. He continuously pesters me for sex and tries to touch me i hate it, it makes my skin crawl.

Today for example, he video called me from the supermarket, while on the call he asked me were the eggs were, I replied 'how do i know where the eggs are, I'm not there and all I can see is your face'. He went on a full on rant in our own language saying 'dont you fucking speak to me like that you fucking bitch, speak to me nicey or I'll fuck you up, now people are looking at me like im stupid because of what you said'.
He come home after 10 mins and rushes to the bathroom as I'm showering. In my head I actually thought he was going to drown me, because hes done similar things before. Instead he says dont you fucking ever speak to me like that you dumb fuck. I asked him to calm down , I cupped his face and asked him to please calm down as the kids are ill, he then began staring at me and getting all pervy. I hate it when he touches me, it makes my skin I loathe him, hate that he has ruined my life, I think he will end me.

Every day he gets worse. He blames me for absolutely EVERYTHING that goes wrong. He turns everything around to me and will blame me for his mistakes. I dont say anything because of my kids but somehow I still wind him up.

I just want someone to take me away and end this shit. I always hope when I'm outside with him someone will hear what hes like and say something.

I'm repeatedly told I'm 'a stupid cunt, a thick fuck motherfucker, dumb fuck'.

I wish I could tell him how I actually feel about him. I stopped loving him a long time ago. Anything else that I felt for him is completely gone. How can I feel anything for a person who has punched me, kicked me, abuses me verbally, mentally, waterboared me, stolen money from me. I hate myself but I love my children to death.

I need help but I'm just so fucking dumb and weak.

OP posts:

Lkydfju · 26/02/2023 21:08

Is there someone you can talk to? It’s not your fault and there is life after this.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2023 21:17

OP you need help to get away from him. You don't have to live like this and neither do your children. He may indeed be a threat to your life. He sounds very dan gerous and I'm not surprised youre scared.

Are you in the UK? Please call Womens Aid (when he is not there of course) You can contact your area branch here
www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

They will help you make a plan for you and your children to leave safely.

minipie · 26/02/2023 21:18

Don’t tell him how you feel, it could be dangerous and there’s no point he’s not going to change.

Can you speak to Womens Aid link they have live chat and email and a forum. As PP said do you have friends, family you could ask for support?

Good luck, I hope you manage to leave. You deserve better.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 26/02/2023 21:19

This is so scary and heartbreaking to read. You can get out of this and have a better life for you and your children. Please, please get help.

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2023 21:22

Absolutely tell him nothing. He won’t change. You need RL practical advice to get away OP. You deserve so much better. And so do your kids. Can you call Womens Aid?

Successgirl2022 · 26/02/2023 21:24

Save your and your children's lives.

Plan leaving secretly with Women's Aid when he is not at home.

Dotcheck · 26/02/2023 21:25

Yes, Women’s Aid

Do you work?

Saxendatry · 26/02/2023 21:37

Hi, this is heartbreaking to read. You can't go on like this. Google woman's aid in your area and I'm sure they will do an online chat if you can't talk. You can't go on like this. What a horrible man. Please look after yourself and your children.

cosmicfig · 26/02/2023 22:07

Please take the other posters advice of contacting Women’s Aid. Your children are ill and they need and deserve to be in a safe place and so do you x You aren’t dumb and weak - he has ground these words into you. You must be so scared but posting on here is brave so you can do the next step.

MamOfFive · 26/02/2023 22:11

Womens aid. Contact them asap, please don't leave it. Not just for your self but your kids too, they need you here.

PonyPatter44 · 26/02/2023 22:16

Did the police come the other day?

Why don't you just speak to Women's Aid? Don't think of it as planning to leave at this stage, just talk to them to find out your options. You're not dumb, you're not weak, you're just someone who is so focused on surviving abuse that you don't have time to think about escape. You can do this, don't panic.

dotdotdotdash · 26/02/2023 22:33

Start to get some support around you and quietly make plans to leave. Don’t say anything to him. The support will be there for you and your kids. Keep posting.

Original poster

Iwanttobreathagain · 26/02/2023 22:37

I am absolutely gone inside, there is nothing left inside me, no desires, wants. Everyday is like a mission that I need to complete, I need to get through the day without making him erupt. I'm always on edge when I'm with him because even the smallest things will cause him to go off on one.It drains me as I have two young kids. I recently saw a photo of me someone had taken. I looked soulless and lost, just surviving.

Someone once said when you have daughters, love them. Love them so much that when it comes to them leaving home, they dont go looking for love elsewhere. I dont really have anyone so despite everything he does to me i still turn to him for comfort even after hes abusive.

OP posts:

Goodfornothing0 · 26/02/2023 22:42

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Goodfornothing0 · 26/02/2023 22:44

I am so sorry, posted by accident here instead of making a new thread! Sorry to hear we are going through similar things and hope life gets better for you OP

Zanina · 26/02/2023 23:10

It's gets to a point when you're broken but you have to find that inner voice that says "fuck it" and make plans or immediate steps to leave. Try turning to family first, beg if you have to but go through it to give yourself a better chance at a better life.

Zanina · 26/02/2023 23:18

Sorry I just got a bit mixed up with the family part. You say you don't really have anyone? No family? .. you aren't dumb or weak. He tells you that to disarm you. You're a warrior x

mathanxiety · 26/02/2023 23:24

Women's Aid
0808 2000 247

You have to summon up the strength to take one step at a time out of this relationship.

Pick up the phone. Make that call.

Twillow · 26/02/2023 23:26

I was like this. I was just surviving. When he attacked me, I would just say to myself 'endure'.
I was so terrified to leave, I thought he would kill me or my children.
My life is completely different now.
It is possible.
You find amazing strength at times.
But I beg you all, don't leave it too late - the effects on my children have been long-lasting and I feel terribly guilty about that. I know I could only leave when I was ready though, it's almost like he had to destroy every last bit of love I ever had for him before I could believe he would never change.
I'm so sorry for people who don't have family to help them or believe them.
My employer was very helpful - when I got over the shame and started to confide in people who clearly were aware that there was something wrong but had no idea what was really going on.
@Goodfornothing0 a baby can sleep in a cardboard box or share a bed with you - the crib is not what is stopping you leave.

To anybody in this position:

read Why Does He Do That? It's such an eye opener and helps you to understand there's nothing you are doing wrong and nothing you can do to change him.
get your 'ducks in a row' - start hiding money away, get your paperwork together (ID, certificates, precious photos).

Living with an abuser is no life. I can go out when I want now, I can make my own decisions. The most precious thing though is enjoying coming home, not dreading it or the sound of a key in the door...

OhNoNotThatAgain · 27/02/2023 00:06

Iwanttobreathagain · 26/02/2023 22:37

Look up 'trauma bonding'.

He isn't just abusing you, he is also abusing your children. They are growing up in an atmosphere of fear. There is help available, and you don't have to suffer like this. Speak to your doctor, health visitor or someone at nursery or school. You can also ring the police and they will understand and help you.

Threee · 27/02/2023 00:16

Please take your children and present yourself as homeless to the county council Monday morning. Tell them your life is in danger due to abusive partner and you cannot return.

Zanatdy · 27/02/2023 06:21

OP you have to get away from this man. Usually mumsnetters will always advise women to speak to their DH, talk through the problems but it’s a unanimous do not do that with men like him. It’s dangerous, he is a dangerous man. Please call women’s aid if you’re in the U.K. and get out of there now. Men like him don’t change and are extremely dangerous

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