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Original poster

Advice required - timing issue

19 replies

Khannnn · 26/02/2023 19:47

Hello. I'm a 39m. My ex is a 38f. She ended our 9 year relationship after my terrible behaviour. I am still dealing with the consequences and have been trying to learn from this as I still have a terrible amount of guilt and shame. I always felt I ruined her life. She was completely right to end it. I was horrible and I still can't imagine how I made her feel, but it destroys me when I think about it.

The split was messy and painful. I took it worse but it was my fault.

When we split, there was an item she thought I packed and I said I didn't. I did find it a few months later but I didn't send it - a mixture of procrastination and also of fear of contacting her. I think it was done way of me not letting go.

This last Xmas, she sent me items which were mine she found. It hurt but she was still respectful to send me them. She had every right to bin them tbh.

Less than a year later after we split, I have found out she is pregnant with another guy - some random texted me 'is it mine?'

I am hurt that my ex has moved on so quickly, but I know that's coming from an emotionally immature, insecure place - another thing to work on. I could never have given her that life. I'm relieved that she can live a better life, as pained as I am.

I'm now stuck with this item I found. I think it's very important to her from her childhood. Tbh,I'm not too sure of it's importance.

I want to send it as she did ask for it, but closure for me. We have no mutual friends anymore. If I send it now, I feel it'll be too coincidental with her recent pregnancy announcement. I'm stuck with these thoughts...

  1. If I send the item now, I overshadow her special time. It's too coincidental that the ex you don't talk to sends an item the week you announce you're due. It makes it about me.
  1. I wait a month or two. But a female friend said she'd be furious if that happened to her whilst she was pregnant.
  1. I bin it. I feel uncomfortable with this as she asked for it and she was respectful enough to send me my items.

I just want to do the right thing and get a bit more closure. I'm not a victim, nor am I trying to portray myself as a changed man with an ulterior motive. I just want to do the right thing and I'm beyond anxious what to do.

Please help me.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 26/02/2023 19:50

Send it now; say congratulations then give her the gift of your absence and don’t contact her again

Stonebridge · 26/02/2023 19:52

Send it now

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 20:01

Send it now.

Pixiedust1234 · 26/02/2023 20:03

Send it back right now. Its not yours.

Hiddenvoice · 26/02/2023 20:05

Send it now, don’t put in any messages with the parcel and leave her be. Focus on bettering yourself.

whatsgoingon101 · 26/02/2023 20:34

Just send it. If you have no mutual friends she may not know that you are aware of the pregnancy anyway?

Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 20:40

whatsgoingon101 · 26/02/2023 20:34

Just send it. If you have no mutual friends she may not know that you are aware of the pregnancy anyway?

We have the 'facebook' mutuals and that's it. I have respected the boundaries the whole time since so that's why I'm in a quandary. I'm also with mild autism and severe anxiety so it takes me a bit of time to understand this. I either overthink or not think enough.

I'm glad I can lift one of my burdens of guilt, that I cost her a future. Just need to learn and understand self forgiveness or self love - I'm not there yet.

OP posts:
Dery · 26/02/2023 20:43

As a PP said - just send it to her now. Say nothing. She doesn’t need a note or commentary from you.

It’s good that you’re facing up to what you’ve done and accepting the consequences that flow from it. Most of us have done things we profoundly regret and would do very differently if we had our time again. I know I have, anyway. In my experience, the most painful lessons in life are often the best teachers. It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain now - in time that will pass but hopefully you will retain the lesson and be wiser and behave better next time.

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:02

Just send it, without thinking it to death.

Remember that she's got bigger things to be concerning herself with, now, than you and your ego. This is about the item and her being reunited, it's not about you and 'closure' at all. If you think she'd like the item, send her the item. Remove yourself from the equation.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2023 21:10

Just send it back. You know she wants the item, so just focus on returning the item and leave the "will she think this that or the other" aside. She hasn't told you about the pregnancy so has no reason to think you know, nor should you mention it.

I would personally include a short note that just says "So sorry - just found this in the garage/attic/cellar. All the best, Khan." That's it, nothing more.

You can then close this chapter of your life and continue moving forwards.

GreyCarpet · 26/02/2023 21:12

I'd send it back now. I would include a note saying I'd just found it whilst unpacking something and so was returning it. Nothing else though. No well wishes and nothing that she might feel she needs to respond to.

I think she'd be more likely to question your motives if you just send it back without any communication at all. I'd worry you were going to make contact again to say what you didn't say then. Returning the item with no communication could look like the start of something.

It would be usual to include a short note but unusual to send it and say nothing. I think.

Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:10

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 21:02

Just send it, without thinking it to death.

Remember that she's got bigger things to be concerning herself with, now, than you and your ego. This is about the item and her being reunited, it's not about you and 'closure' at all. If you think she'd like the item, send her the item. Remove yourself from the equation.

It's not ego. Please don't make assumptions. You have no idea how the past year has played out. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:12

GreyCarpet · 26/02/2023 21:12

I'd send it back now. I would include a note saying I'd just found it whilst unpacking something and so was returning it. Nothing else though. No well wishes and nothing that she might feel she needs to respond to.

I think she'd be more likely to question your motives if you just send it back without any communication at all. I'd worry you were going to make contact again to say what you didn't say then. Returning the item with no communication could look like the start of something.

It would be usual to include a short note but unusual to send it and say nothing. I think.

I agree. I think a note would be best in exactly the tone you suggest. Also, I do not want it to come across passive aggressive or malicious. The tone you put I think strikes it correctly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:13

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 26/02/2023 21:10

Just send it back. You know she wants the item, so just focus on returning the item and leave the "will she think this that or the other" aside. She hasn't told you about the pregnancy so has no reason to think you know, nor should you mention it.

I would personally include a short note that just says "So sorry - just found this in the garage/attic/cellar. All the best, Khan." That's it, nothing more.

You can then close this chapter of your life and continue moving forwards.

Thank you. I overthink and I get overwhelmed by it all

OP posts:
Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:15

Dery · 26/02/2023 20:43

As a PP said - just send it to her now. Say nothing. She doesn’t need a note or commentary from you.

It’s good that you’re facing up to what you’ve done and accepting the consequences that flow from it. Most of us have done things we profoundly regret and would do very differently if we had our time again. I know I have, anyway. In my experience, the most painful lessons in life are often the best teachers. It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain now - in time that will pass but hopefully you will retain the lesson and be wiser and behave better next time.

Thank you for the kind words.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 22:21

I didn't make any assumptions. It's her thing and she'd like it back.

You're making it about you. It isn't.

Nobody needs to know how the past year has played out, or assume anything: you're making yourself part of the relationship between her and her possession, when you're not. Just give it back. Job done.

Original poster
Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:25

Watchkeys · 26/02/2023 22:21

I didn't make any assumptions. It's her thing and she'd like it back.

You're making it about you. It isn't.

Nobody needs to know how the past year has played out, or assume anything: you're making yourself part of the relationship between her and her possession, when you're not. Just give it back. Job done.

Noted. Thank you

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/02/2023 12:56

Khannnn · 26/02/2023 22:12

I agree. I think a note would be best in exactly the tone you suggest. Also, I do not want it to come across passive aggressive or malicious. The tone you put I think strikes it correctly.

Show quote history

I agree. It could look passive aggressive if you just send it with no note. I think context is fair.

No more overthinking, just get it sent Smile

SnackyOnassis · 27/02/2023 14:04

Send it, and if you can, send a note of acknowledgement of how odd the timing is - maybe something along the lines of 'I recently found this and had hesitated to send it on as I didn't want to disturb you, but thought it best that you have this item back. Wishing you the best of luck/congratulations and a happy life, Khan'
Make it positive but not like you're hoping to open lines of further communication.

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