Relationship not working but too chicken to leave

[marshmallowsarenice]

Don't think either H or I are happy in our relationship. Been together over 20 years and have two teenage DCs.
We have good times when we get on really well. We share a sense of humour and general outlook on life, cultural appreciation etc. He's a good person who looks out for people and cares about them.
However, he can be a complete miseryguts on occasion and gets really angry about things I would class as minor annoyances. It makes me question my judgement sometimes and second guess myself. Then he will be moody and sulk.
I'm not perfect either. I can be insular and closed off and too work focused. I will misinterpret his requests for attention as neediness and get annoyed he can't get on independently with things that I would do on my own. So we're a bit mismatched this way.
We've had counselling twice and it's not really helped as I don't always feel I can be honest about everything as he will get too upset. Then H gets upset anyway as he can tell sometimes when I'm not being as open as I could be.
I think we would be better off apart. However there's no way we could afford two separate homes. H not working (has been trying to get a job for about a year but no luck yet) which is a bone of contention in more ways than one. DD also doing A-levels this year and I don't want to put a bomb under all of that. I had a chance to change things two years ago and didn't. Think I regret that now.
Not sure why I'm posting really - don't have anyone to talk about this with irl. Thanks to anyone who's read this. Maybe I should start making some plans for July?

I was in a similar situation but then he went and had affair anyway, which was incredibly hurtful and really could have lived without it.

Try marriage counselling, i wish we had.

Tbh I think it's got to the point where if he had an affair, I wouldn't be too bothered and it would actually be a push to break up. There's always a reason why we can't at the moment.

Counselling has already been tried twice and it has not helped. Abuse after all is not a relationship problem.

I would be planning an exit from this marriage with due care and attention. Being in a marriage with such a misery guts man is soul destroying and akin to a slow death by 1000 cuts. I would think his upset is more like manipulation to make you feel sorry for him when it is he who is the root cause of the unhappiness or upset in the first place.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this, no and you would want better for them. However, words are cheap and it’s actions that count. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. His sulking and moodiness towards you are examples of emotional abuse. I would think he acts far differently around people in the outside world like the neighbours and his work colleagues.

A levels can be retaken if necessary and studying within such an environment anyway is stressful. It’s no point whatsoever in kicking the can down the road, you’ve done that enough already and it’s got you precisely nowhere. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You must be getting something out of this still so what is it that has kept you with him, what are the causes of your inertia?.

Would you want your children to be in a relationship like this, no and you would want better for them.
No, I wouldn't.
I would think he acts far differently around people in the outside world like the neighbours and his work colleagues.
Yes, he can switch it off and on when other people are around.
What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
Familiarity maybe? Better the devil you know kind of thing? Also, it sounds stupid but his parents are lovely and I would miss them. My parents weren't so great.
what are the causes of your inertia? Mainly I can't afford to run two households on my wage.

Great questions - thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat

Sorry, missed the bit where you said you'd had counselling!

You could stay on good terms with his parents, if you split amicably.

If you are paying for everything anyway then maybe you should find a way to separate. Life is short, is there ever going to be an "ideal" time to end it? Can he live with his parents?

Why would you be running 2 households on just one wage, yours? Does your husband not work?

@minmooch can you read?????

@marshmallowsarenice

what are the causes of your inertia? Mainly I can't afford to run two households on my wage.

• Could he not move in with his parents?

• What do s he doing about finding a job to bring in funds whilst he's trying to find the job he actually wants? Surely actually working in a paid job would help his sense of self?🌹

This must feel like an impossible situation for you, especially when you are supporting the whole family. It shouldn’t be up to you to pay for two households - as a PP said he go and live with his parents? After all if you left family home he cant pay for it…

I hope you can make a plan for a better future.

Unless both the children decide they want to live with him primarily you will not be required to support him. You will be required to split whatever assets you have with him (likely 50/50 if the children stay with you). But it is extremely unlikely he will have any recourse to spousal maintenance unless you are a very high earner. He will be expected to get a job, any job, and/or claim benefits to support himself.

@Nootella I can read thanks - I guess I was replying to ops last response and had forgotten the first post.

Notwithstanding my reading abilities presumably ops husband will get a job at some stage and therefore there will be 2 salaries.

Unless the op thinks he'd play silly buggers and not bother to get a job in the event of a split. In that case I guess he'll have to apply for the relevant benefits. So it wouldn't be solely her wage.

Sorry to read this OP. It sounds to me like you have a solid base with this man, but both need to improve the way you are with each other.

You’ve tried counselling before, but acknowledge that you undermined it by holding back. If you’re doing this, it’s never going to work. Could you give the counselling one last try, and really have both of you commit to it 100%?

If you don’t feel deep down that that’s worth trying, you should get the A-Levels out of the way first.

OP why are you worried about paying for 2 households? If you break up its up to him to support himself. Him not having a job is his problem. He can apply for benefits and ask his family to put him up.

Stop worying about a grown man and start considering your own needs. He'll happily stay with you as long as your willing to pay his way for him.

I know from experience it's soul destroying staying in an unhappy relationship. I know its hard to take the leap but once you do it'll be like a weight has been lifted.

OP you only need to run one household on your wage. He can sort himself work and a flat thats not your problem.

I was in an abusive relationship for over 20 years.
It was thanks to MN my eyes were opened and I left him.
My life has improved no end and this could be you too.

I’ve not had to support him despite him leaving his job and threatening that I’d have to pay him maintenance for years.
The marital home was split 50/50 but I bought him out and stayed in it.

You won’t be responsible for him if you split. Is he telling you this or is it something you assumed yourself ?

You’ve been with him for so long so I’d get my ducks in a row in prep for leaving him after the A levels.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post.
To answer some questions: I think I'd need to pay for two households because the DCs would be with him at least 50% of the time. Although possibly not DD as she may go to uni in September. Because I've always worked full time and H hasn't he's taken on the role of default parent (even though I deal with all school stuff, appointments, after school activities, play dates when younger, making sure homework is done, clothes shopping etc) and I know he would use this against me if we split. It definitely stopped me when the DCs were younger as I couldn't face only seeing them at weekends or whenever. So it wouldn't be as simple as him moving out and me staying here with the DCs. I couldn't expect them to go and stay with GPs half the time.
DH claims some universal credit although not the full amount due to my wage. He's having trouble finding anything as he had a long period of study so is now over qualified and under experienced. Also has chosen not to learn to drive which limits him. He is doing some voluntary work which he is good at and is giving him some good examples for job applications.
I am not a very high earner. Just an ok one. 🙂 But we do need him to get a job asap. For financial reasons, his self-esteem reasons and my resentfulness reasons.