Regular night for sex?

[Billydaffodil]

My husband and I hit a rough patch last year and realised we hadn't been investing in our relationship at all. So decided between us to aim to have sex every Monday and have a phone free night every Thursday, where we talk together.

It started out great and I felt our relationship was better than it had been in years.

But one week we ended up having sex one the Friday night instead, then didn't on the following Monday as I was utterly exhausted. He was then in a mood the next day.
(We have 4 kids including a baby, 2 of whom had had a sickness bug that week, which was why we missed the Monday) We talked after and he apologised and said he would rather be in a mood than I do something I don't want to do.

I guess ideally he'd like sex every day and I'd naturally like it maybe 2/3 times a week, so he is compromising already. Unfortunately I feel exhausted most of the time at this stage in our life. He does a lot around the house, with the kids etc, as I do, but I'm also up with the baby every night.

Now we are in a weird position, where it all feels like it's gone sour and I'm wondering if this is the answer, what if I don't feel like it? If he initiates and I don't reciprocate he gets really hurt, which I do understand. I love him very much but can't seem to work out the best way through this situation.

Any ideas gratefully received.

A set day sounds hellish to me. Too much pressure. I can't understand why he is upset if he feels like you've mentally ticked sex off the list on Friday and therefore don't 'have to' do it on Monday - not that I'm condoning his sulk. I'm very much like you and his perceived lack of sex is our main argument.
We also have sex once a week, which I'm happy with but he's not.
Ditch the organised Mondays.

I CAN understand *

It is very transactional, isn't it? Have sex, and he will reward you by not getting moody.

So, you end up have sex to stop his moodiness. You have sex because you are compromising on him wanting it every day and you feeling too exhausted to want it at all.

You aren't having sex because you fancy him and because you felt like it and want to enjoy it together. You are beginning to feel resentful at being asked to do something that you don't want to do, and that you are being oh-so-subtly coerced into. This will not make you want sex more, it will make you start to dread it.

Please do understand that before he ever met you he didn't get moody if he didn't have a shag every week. He didn't go into work on Tuesdays and be in a mood with his boss and co-workers 'cos no Monday shag. The mood is purely for your 'punishment'.

I can't see your relationship going from strength to strength on that basis, can you? Can he, if you point this out to him?

Thanks so much for the replies. @legalseagull Yeah, it's not that I definitely wouldn't be up for it more than once a week, just that that was a particularly tough week. I do really get that it is upsetting when someone says no, I've been on that side of things too, so I do appreciate his position. Interesting that we are in similar situations. It's tricky isn't it. 😕

@Haffiana Thanks for your message, you make some really good points. I think you're exactly right with the idea that I'm feeling less inclined as I feel a bit pushed into it.... I hate being told what to do anyway and so that's not going to end well. I need to talk to him. He knows I wasn't happy about the mood. It's just a bit disappointing, he's a great guy otherwise. I think I could talk to him about this.
Thanks for helping, I really appreciate your responses.

I am a big believer in the maintenance shag, but I think scheduling a fixed day is pushing it, and a Monday sounds particularly harsh. Maybe agree that you'd pencil a slot for the next week on the weekend (when you do life admin) but with the proviso if someone is knackered you can bump it on. He did choose to have FOUR kids, so you know, he needs to keep his expectations relatively low for a bit.

I can think of nothing less romantic/ sexy than scheduling sex