@uipas this really sounds like relationship OCD, look it up on the OCD Action website, the condition is also abbreviated to ROCD. What makes me think this is that you know, and have trusted confirmation of, the fact that you did nothing untoward on this evening out. Nothing. However, you are in a loop of doubting, which produces extreme anxiety, which fuels the doubting, which makes you seek confirmation, from a friend, from Mumsnet…. and for a while the confirmation that you did nothing calms you and you can accept it. But then OCD’s favourite internal question pops up, the wonderful world of “Yes, but what if….?”
“What if…..” is a close relation of OCD, it’s the fuel which keeps the fire of self doubt burning. You can rationally know deep down that nothing happened, you can get it confirmed by a trusted friend who was an eye witness, but after a while the “Yes, but what if I did and they just didn’t see me?” “Yes, but what if they are actually lying?”
In your post you are wrestling with the notion that they might have lied, even though you can’t find a single reason in reality why they would. Over and over again. This is OCD, and you are suffering and I’m so sorry, it’s truly awful, I have direct experience of it from when I suffered from it many years ago. I had no compulsions so it was easy to hide, but I was exhausted with gathering confirmation that it was OCD only to ruminate and pick everything apart with “Yes, but what if it isn’t? What if I just really am this way now and all I fear will come true?” And down I spiralled until eventually I became very ill and it showed. At the time I knew little of OCD except the popular concepts about checking doors and washing hands and liking things neat and ordered all the time. Therefore to me I couldn’t possibly have OCD, I must just be finally losing the plot. It was OCD, OP, just like I’m pretty sure yours is. You got the classic template of repeated anxiety inducing thoughts and ruminations, seeking confirmation, continuing to obsess and unpicking the evidence until anxious and doubtful and off go the thoughts all over again. It’s a horrible condition, the patterns of behaviour are the same, whatever the content of the anxiety producing thoughts: germs, committing murder, infidelity, the subject matter is not really important, the diagnosis depends on the repetitive scary thoughts, seeking reassurance or carrying out relief producing compulsions which only work for a short time, if at all, rinse and repeat, repeat, repeat. Look up ROCD and OVD Action and you’ll see yourself there. It won’t stop your OCD, but it will be a relief to find out that you’re actually ill and not a terrible person who might be unfaithful. Then you need to get some help. You sound really self aware to have noticed that what’s going on with you might be OCD, I think with help and the right mental tools and strategies to deal with it, you’ll get a handle on it and see it for what it is. I hope you get the support you need as soon as possible, I promise you it’s controllable and can go away with the right help and some practise on your part. X