I think my marriage is ending... or it's already over

[Darkbeams]

Name changed for this...

I've been married to my DH for coming up to 7 years, together for 14. We're in our mid 30s, no children.

He's my best friend, there's noone I'd rather spend my time with. We laugh so much, we have a lovely life together. We adore each others families and friends. We rarely argue and there's truly no-one I can see my spending the rest of my life with.

But there's practically zero intimacy. We have sex no more than 5-6 times a year, and its been this way since just before we got married.

For the first few years, we were like any young couple and we would have sex multiple times a day / week. Then my mental health hit a huge rough patch and I became very ill for a few years. I would swing between a dark, suicidal depression and mania. I would lash out, be verbally agressive and push and push for him to leave - I wanted to actively destroy everything that made me happy because I felt I didn't deserve it and was also living with undiagnosed PTSD from childhood SA. Consequently he started to turn to other people for emotional support, he didnt physically chea but the conversations certainly crossed boundaries.

I sort medical help, we both went to counselling and after a lot of open, sometimes painful communication we decided that our relationship was worth it and we worked bloody hard to forgive each other and work on ourselves and I'm so proud of where we are today.

Other than our sex life. It never, ever recovered. And after numerous conversations over the past few years, tonight I was lying in bed in new lingerie, crying while my husband slept next to me. He made all the right noises, and we cuddled... and then that's where it stops. I've been rejected by him that many times I just cant make the first move and he treats me with kid gloves because of the PTSD and SA and he get serious performance anxiety. We're at a crossroads and I think that last little of hope that was still inside of me shattered tonight.

The lingerie is in the bin and I'm downstairs crying on the sofa. I think I need to accept that if I stay in this marriage I'm looking at a life of no intimacy and, highly likely, no children. He's my best friend, I love him, I still fancy the pants off him but neither of us can breakdown this barrier.

Sorry for the long winded-ness... there's noone i can talk to about this and I needed to get it all out.

Have you considered, or even heard of, couples sex retreats? There are many that specialise in dealing with issues such as yours and focus on rebuilding intimacy. Given everything you've said about your relationship, it would be worth a shot.

That's definitely something I can look into, thank you.

I'm just feeling so lost.

I don't have any advice really, but I didn't want to read and run as you sound really lost OP.
For what it's worth, it does sound like your relationship is worth fighting for, so something like what the other poster above suggested sounds good. Or some other sort of couples therapy specifically around sex.
Are you physically intimate in other ways, cuddles, kisses, tactile etc?
One thing which can work is actually to have a night of intimacy where you take sex OFF the table entirely. So lots of kissing, touching, massaging, teasing, oral etc but with a rule that you can't have full sex no matter what. Sometimes that can take the pressure off and allow the other person to enjoy the intimacy without the worry of "performing".
I really hope you find a solution to this because it does sound like it would be worth it if you could.
Sending you lots of love ❤

I'm sorry you're in a difficult place.

Normally, the advice on here would tend towards breaking up given the sexual history you've described and how you clearly so upset about it.

However, in your case I wouldn't lose hope as, firstly, you seem to be compatible and close in many other ways that are lacking in many relationships. Secondly, you've overcome a significant disconnection in your relationship previously very successfully (when most other marriages would probably have either failed at that point, or drifted into a distant unhappiness commonplace in many long-term marriages). That shows you have reasonable hope as a couple to get through this. I'd look to get some external support, and see where it goes.

I believe you will overcome this and save your marriage.

It's all about clear good communication.

Did you tell him you bought new sexy lingerie for you both to enjoy?

Why did you throw it in the bin? I would just put it in the drawer for the next suitable time believing it will happen if not very soon, then soon.

@Darkbeams like others I actually see hope here. You sound like all other aspects of your relationship are doing well so I would try everything before you throw in the towel. I would definitely be seeking specialist advice, as others have said sex retreats or perhaps a sex/intimacy therapist. Going through difficult times can mean that despite having been together so long you both feel a bit shy and scared about intimacy and then once you start to feel that way and feel rebuffed or like it didn't go how you wanted it can put you both off. Then it's that much harder to try again, and patterns get ingrained. Definitely seek specialist support, and have a proper conversation with your DH - I know this is a bit awkward but I think we should get some specialist advice to help the relationship be even stronger. I love our relationship and you etc etc but I would really like to have more intimacy with you. What do you think?'etc. Hopefully if you can pitch it as a positive thing - everything is amazing but would like to just make this one aspect of our relationship even better, spend more intimate time together etc then he will be open to it.

Hi op. My experience as a long time (18yrs plus) married is that 7 Years can be a tricky point.
There has been trauma. You have thankfully recovered but maybe your DH has not.
But it truly is never too late.
If good helpful therapy has worked in the past maybe it could again? Sometimes an impartial third party can be very helpful.
I wish you well.

I agree with PPs. Also see if DH would consider counselling, for himself as well as with you. He seems to have been traumatised by your illness. If he has physical problems, eg difficulty getting an erection, he should see his GP. There’s a lot of help available.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. When I wrote this thread I was desperate and felt alone but honestly, this has been the push I needed.

You'll be pleased to know we've had a huge, HUGE chat. There was lots of tears I tried to stay blame free and rather than shying away from it, I laid out everything I was feeling and listened to what he was telling me.

We discussed a separation and we both agreed that thats the last thing either of us want.

He's going to seek help, possibly counselling again, to help him to come to terms with a few of his issues - mainly reconciling the part of his brain that knows about the terrible things that's happened to me as a child and the fact that I'm a grown woman, who has sexual needs and desires and I don't need to be protected or put on a pedestal. He said he always wanted to be sure I felt comfortable with him and was constantly second guessing my hints and got stuck in a worried fog about implied vs blatent consent, especially after I had my breakdown and now knows that he went a bit OTT.

I've agreed to look at how I communicate with him and to be more honest about my actual desires... it turns out there is a thing as being too subtle 😅

We've agreed to spend the next three months trying to get to know that side of each other again and have decided that if we are still struggling, we'll look into couples counselling... to be honest, I think I'm going to explore that option anyway.

It's only been a few days, but it feels like we're starting to turn a corner and maybe, just maybe, it's going to be OK.

Well done to you as a couple!

Good clear communication is always the key to healthy relations & great marriage.

Great update, made me smile. Good look op and op's partner.

He sounds like a lovely guy OP.

I'm sure you can work it out together. x

@Darkbeams i feel I’m in exactly the same situation as you right now. My DP of 10 years totally blindsided me on Sunday and said he wasn’t sure he wanted to be with me anymore. I think the issues are totally workable and we can get through it, he said he doesn’t want counselling as we don’t talk anyway so what’s the point. We are best friends, have a laugh. Sex has gone same as you maybe 5/6 times a year. But still cuddle and kiss but he doesn’t seem interested and probably doesn’t think I’m interested. Again don’t talk. So had a big conversation last night I want to try and he’s not sure. So I’m sat at my parents devastated and so are they. Just giving him a few days to choose what he wants. I’ve read loads of threads and yours is the only one I relate to, as my DP isn’t abusive, we barely argue, we have a laugh etc totally thrown me and I’m so bloody sad

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, I really am. I know how much it hurts 💕