Mismatched sex and affection levels

[30sDad]

Hello, and thanks for anybody taking the time to read this.

I'm 34, my wife is 32, we have two kids, 3 and 6.

Sex.

At the time of writing this we've been together for almost 15 years, I love my wife, she's everything I want emotionally and physically, in the time we've been together i couldn't imagine being on this journey with anyone else. We're best friends, she's the funniest person I know, I luckily find her more attractive everyday and luckily have been in love with her ever since we met. I have never even tried to show or tell my wife how much I love her, it happens very naturally for me.

We have great sex...........
but twice a month at best, this year up to this point twice, then my wife barely touches me in between. It has not always been this way. In the past we have been more active, two or three times a week sometimes and my wife will show me affection every day. I have always been the one to initiate this more though. Currently I'm the only one initiating things outside the bedroom.

But there's a bigger problem at play, I'm speak a high physical touch language, and my wife doesn't. She is a very high acts of service person, and I am not.

We've always been a very equal couple, I do most of the cooking, clothes washing etc... We're constantly appalled by some of the behaviour we witness from men in other couples we know who behave like a 1950's husband.

I know my wife loves me. I have worked hard mentally for this to not be so important to me. I keep in good shape, I make a lot of effort.
It's getting harder to do remain affectionate myself when I'm not getting it back in return, and I'm now withdrawing, getting frustrated and resentful.

We made a change about a year ago and agreed that my wife initiates sex so I don't ask and get let down. It worked for a while but this has now become a problem.

I would love sex twice a week and affection in between, but would happily compromise at once a week with day to day affection. I'm currently right at the far end of where I want to be.

I also have a big problem, I'm an avoider, I avoid big talks, big changes and putting my self out there.

This needs to change.

I'm now suffering far to much anxiety and depression which is taking a mental and physical toll. I've unfortunately cried a couple of times recently on my own and am struggling to keep things together.

So I've decided to bring this up.

I've been researching how to discuss this, and part of this is getting advice from anyone else, especially other low libido women on whether to bring this up at all.
I'm deeply afraid of bringing this up and hurting my wife's feelings. I don't want her to feel pressured into doing something she doesn't want to do. I'm terrified that things won't change.

Any advice at all would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for anybody who takes the time to read and respond to this.

Just talk to her and tell her how you feel.

But don't pester her for sex.

There is a podcast called ‘closeness with Tari’ that might help. He’s a sex therapist.

Oh dear maybe your wife is very tired once kids gone to bed..tbh we are in our 30s and got 4 we are soul mates but sex don't happen even once a week but we've discussed it before and luckily he don't pester because quite frankly by the end of a day I'm exhausted and just wana watch tv and cuddle. We do everything else multiple times a day just not the sex 😂 but we do both initiate when feel like it and he good at leaving it if he sees im not into it at that moment. It's a hard one not sure there's an answer 😕 and love you share chores we are the same even when he comes in from work he does his share no asking needed with kids or chores

Kindly, and I may be wrong, but maybe she's just not that in to you anymore? I wouldn't be surprised if you being 'avoidant' whilst still pawing at her has given her the ick. My exh would complain about my low libido. Except once I left him I realised it wasn't low at all, I just didn't fancy him anymore.

I think by initiating a conversation along the nonviolent communication lines: schedule the conversation when there’s nothing else going on. And tell her what you said here, that you want to say something and you are afraid to cause hurt, but you’re feeling X,y,z feelings.

Tell her what you need. You need psychical touch. Many of us need that, or we simply wither and shrivel up emotionally. It’s not a lot to ask. This relationship isn’t meeting your needs at present.

with nonviolent communication, you say your piece, then she repeats back what she heard, and ideally, truly hears and receives it.

then she gets to say her piece , and you repeat back.

it may take a counselor , as you’re trying to be as gentle as possible, and I think that is good- it’s so hard for others to hear us when they feel attacked or blamed.

im hearing you want this to work, so I’m hoping it works for you.

That's what I'm planning, it's how to start talking about it that's hard.
And just incase I wasn't clear enough I don't even ask for sex anymore, let alone pester her.

Thanks you for taking the time to reply.
This is really useful advice!

Sorry to hear that you're in the same boat as me.
The main reason for this post is to get advice on how to bring this up then hopefully help anyone else. I will let you know how the conversation went for us.