Relationship hell

[Anonname12]

I have name changed.

I just need some advice and I don’t feel there is an anyone in real life I can talk to about this.

been married 15 years and it has never really been plain sailing- he is very dominant, has always looked down on my family and made all big decisions.

Recently, he has had weight loss surgery and since then has become impossible to be in a relationship with. I try to empathise with his discomfort following surgery but there are red flags that I can’t ignore.

today he lost his temper with our nine year old and smacked her bum. I am not willing to put up with him hitting our children.

since then he has tried to deny he did I and accused me of gaslighting when I mentioned how much it upset us all.

I know that I can’t stay with him but all we have is a joint home mortgaged to the hilt , debt on cards/ interest free credit etc. so I would leave with nothing.

I guess I’ve been a bit blindsided to realise how abusive the relationship is and actually to get my head around the fact that he doesn’t and will never see his behaviour as abusive therefore neither will his family.

If/ when I leave he will fight me tooth and nail for everything, including access to the kids.

Please help. All advise welcome.

All I can suggest is keep a log of his behaviour and it’s effects. Eg he hit child A using ( his hand, a shoe , whatever) This caused her to cry for x minutes, how distressed she was, marks left on her. Write down any language he uses. If he verbally abuses you can the children hear.
If there’s no money in the house or savings then if you go you should be entitled to benefits, although finding somewhere to live might be difficult.
Speak to Women’s Aid, they are best placed to advise you.

You are right his behaviour is definitely abusive and it's unacceptable

Have you got family support you can turn too ? Or and a few friends you can to for additional support?
I knew quite often in this type of dynamics of relationship.
The abusive controller one will often try to isolated his/her partner from their family /friends too,

There are still are few/ some charities for supporting women you can access support ,

Citizens advice bureau Agency is a good one to get advice impartial from them about financial aspect of your situation,

Also there is charities that can help you to just get back on your feet,
Like in wales, there is Wallich charity ,
there must something similar in England too, I amagine,?

in which you can have a temporary support worker who can help you to sort out your financial issues,
even can look at sorting out matching you with volunteering work whether for just one day a week or more,
They will try if you want to that is?
try and match you with volunteering work type you are interested in or curious about to see if it's something you would like to go into career wise later,
You can attend attend informal workshops that are for to help boost cofindence,
support you to get out of comfort zone, like stepping stone to see what you want out work wise ect,

If you don't want to do that aspect,
You can take part in Allotments shed, under emotional well being , doing creative writing poetry Art workshop ect

Since lockedowns/covid there is obviously more emphasis on projects with allocated funding for stuff like this

I am going to have a look for you op@Anonname12

Also Op@Anonname12

Also Op
You could be entitled to universal credit benefit
Find out about this there is Gov.uk website about raft of benefits and criteria of entlment,

Tbf what percentage of 'mortgaged to the hilt' could he get if he fights you tooth an nail?