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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands moods!

13 replies

sittingonabranch · 25/02/2023 20:29

I am sick and tired of 'D'H's bad moods.

The whole house is affected by how he is feeling. I am a happy bubbly person, I like to make people happy and am very aware how moods can impact the environment having had a father whose moods did the same in my house growing up.

DH wasn't like this when we were dating or in the first few years before marriage. Now, however, he can go from perfectly fine one minute to being in a foul mood the next, snapping at people, face like a slapped arse and stropping around. The kids notice too (we are a blended family, his kids and mine) and I can sense the anxiety coming off my older daughter when he is in one of these moods

He makes dinner time miserable when he is like it, as he has done tonight, when I called him out on it he got huffy and said that I could clearly do better than him so go and find someone else

Wtf?! I don't know what is wrong with him, we've had so many discussions around it and he says he will try harder but honestly it doesn't look like he is

Anyone else experienced similar? Did it change or did you leave?

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingonabranch · 25/02/2023 20:29

Sorry that should say in the first few years after marriage

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/02/2023 20:49

He is clearly not the man you thought he was, this is who he really is and it’s likely his ex wife left because of his moodiness aka emotional abuse. You’ve tried talking and he reverts to type soon enough.

It’s no coincidence that you are with someone like him, your father was also moody. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.

This is no relationship model to be showing your children.

queentim · 26/02/2023 05:49

Maybe he needs to talk to a ther? He may be dealing with something emotionally or mentally.

whatisforteamum · 26/02/2023 06:53

Mine is like this.The GP wanted him to go on anti depressants or have therapy last yr.The anti Ds made him feel unwell and he flatly refused therapy.
I'm a lively bubbly person and hate his mood sucking the life out of me.
Have you asked him what is wrong OP?

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 07:16

Miserable men don't get enough sex
That's why they are so miserable they give up on life. If you don't want to have sex with him dump him. You'd all be happier without him

DinosWillGetYou · 26/02/2023 07:50

gettingalifttothestation · 26/02/2023 07:16

Miserable men don't get enough sex
That's why they are so miserable they give up on life. If you don't want to have sex with him dump him. You'd all be happier without him

Are you ok? What an odd thing to say

piedbeauty · 26/02/2023 08:18

we've had so many discussions around it and he says he will try harder but honestly it doesn't look like he is

Has he said what's wrong with him? Why is he in a mood? What's making him stroppy?

Has he ever been able to discuss his feelings in a normal way?

Sounds like the nuclear option is called for if he won't change. He's affecting everyone in the house, and it's not fair on the kids. Or you.

Apart from this issue, how are things? Does he pull his weight? Is he a good dad (apart from not caring that he's upsetting your dc with his moods, of course...)

Does he do anything for you or is it all about him?

Mumma212 · 26/02/2023 08:22

Are you making him unhappy without realising?
Have you asked him this?
Is he unhappy with your family life or are there other factors...work?

If he's having a hard time for some reason then living with some who considers themself bubbly could be difficult.

Sometimes overly 'positive', 'bubbly' people are bad at empathising with other peoples negative moods.

Fancysauce · 26/02/2023 08:32

Life's too short to make your dd live with an abusive man. He isn't even her dad, yet she's walking on eggshells. You've told him what the problem is, he doesn't care. Do you want to live like this forever?

Fancysauce · 26/02/2023 08:32

Mumma212 · 26/02/2023 08:22

Are you making him unhappy without realising?
Have you asked him this?
Is he unhappy with your family life or are there other factors...work?

If he's having a hard time for some reason then living with some who considers themself bubbly could be difficult.

Sometimes overly 'positive', 'bubbly' people are bad at empathising with other peoples negative moods.

So it's her fault he's emotionally abusive because she's too bubbly?

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Original poster
sittingonabranch · 26/02/2023 08:48

Wow lots of responses thank you!

I have asked what is wrong, he says nothing. I've tried all different ways of asking this and trying to help.

I've asked him if he needs to speak to someone, go to the GP or a therapist, again he says no he says there's nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need to talk to anyone.

He does pull his weight round the house, he is a good dad and stepdad, when he's not in a mood we have a lovely life. It's just these moods that threaten to ruin everything.

Regarding the weird sex comment, we have a very active sex life - he always comments on how lucky he is in that respect.

I guess I just wanted to know if I was being unreasonable in expecting him not to be like this, everyone has answered that so thank you.

Regarding him and his ex wife, he actually left her because of her behaviour (I know that's true and not just something he has said) so she didn't leave him because of this

What a mess, thanks everyone for taking time to respond.

OP posts:
Mumma212 · 26/02/2023 08:49

No I didn’t say it was her fault.
And she didn’t say he was abusive specifically.
I don’t think being moody equals being abusive.
I think when there’s two people in a relationship and one seems unhappy it’s worth considering the effect both ways that’s all.
Maybe he’s suffering in some way and he displays this as moodiness but if she knew they could work through it together!?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/02/2023 09:02

"Regarding him and his ex wife, he actually left her because of her behaviour (I know that's true and not just something he has said) so she didn't leave him because of this"

I would have thought its the other way around given how he is treating you and in turn your children now. You do not know the full ins and outs of their marriage.

He is solely responsible for his moods, this is not for the OP to solve or otherwise jolly him out of. He does this because he can and he has learnt this works for him. He is making his whole family responsible for his moods and he will dictate the tone of this household. You also grew up with a moody father and the damaging lessons you were taught from seeing this would have left a lasting impression on you in adulthood. And indeed it has; you're with a moody man now.

Moody people avoid facing and resolving their personal conflicts when others accept the blame and cater to them. You taking the blame and trying to please such a temperamental man will only encourage his moodiness and make you feel dejected and vulnerable.

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