DH diagnosed with autism - what next?

[WhatNext321]

My DH is in his mid forties and was diagnosed with autism this week. Seeking a diagnosis came about due to many years of difficulties and being on the brink of divorce. The diagnosis came as a relief to me and I hope it will help my DH understand himself more.

If you're married to someone who was diagnosed in adulthood, did it help improve your relationship? Did your spouse share their diagnosis with work?

Now that he's finally got his diagnosis, we need to work on rebuilding our relationship, but it'll be really hard, as I've borne the brunt of a lot of blame for situations DH has found challenging in the past. Intimacy in our relationship also died a long time ago...

So, what next, how do I work on my relationship with DH?

Don’t? Do you want to work on it? If so, why?

Watching with interest OP. i suppose it would be good to both do as much personal research as possible individually, learn about other people’s experiences from both perspectives, see if it sheds light, have a think, then come together and share your own thoughts with each other, what you each have found hard, hardest and what makes things easier. Pootle forward trying to implement anything useful that’s come out of that, I guess, repeat a few times, both try to keep talking to others in similar positions/supportive persons?

Have you asked him what he wants, or what he thinks could help?

You might find it helpful as a starting point to see what he hopes for from his diagnosis and for your marriage. Ask him what his priorities are.

Try not to take offence at his answers. His priorities may seem unreasonable or lacking affection to you, but have a very rational basis.

I find really basic questions helpful, as we often assume the other person has the same priorities as us, or understands things the same way, when they are on a completely different page.

I'd think seeing a counsellor together to help you find a way forward would be helpful. He'd need to buy into that though.

I find DH tends to think there's only one path, and doesn't explore any others. He can then sound really unfeeling. The truth is that he's assume it's over, so would make plans on that basis.

As an example, I told him after a counselling session that I needed more support, that I couldn't carry on as things were and that there's no point being married if he's so absent. He basically said 'that's a shame, I suppose we'll have to divorce then'. That was almost 20 years ago.
He didn't know what he could do differently, so started working on the 'splitting up' bit.

You need a real shift in your approach. It's unlikely he'll be able to change his.