Struggling

[Struggles72]

Hi,

I have posted under another name but NC for this. I am struggling with my life after recent events where Pandora’s Box was well and truly opened. Events after this have/are also having an impact on my life.

On paper, I should be having a great life.

I’m 50 years old, female, reasonably attractive for my age, in a senior position at work (after years of hard work) and have two teenage children. One is past the awkward years but the other is uurrghh.

I ended my 23 year marriage at the end of 2020. My reasons…age gap (I was 19 and he was 30), I realised I wasn’t attracted to him, lack of connection, having the burden of house/children/elderly parents on my shoulders for years (and carried on working) and a sexless marriage (over a decade), no affection…nothing.

My mother died a few years back and I was plunged into menopause not long after. I guess my mother was the person keeping me sane at the time. I knew my marriage was dull and stale. And, please don’t beat me with a stick, but I got involved with someone else online the year after my mother died (triggered by hormones and the perfect storm that was brewing). Yes, we met. Even though we shouldn’t have. Amazing every time but wrong. We both know that. He is still in my life (as a friend) and we both try hard to keep it platonic but it is difficult! Yes, he is married. Similarities in our situations.

I ended my marriage very quickly after realising I had developed feelings for - and got on tremendously well in all aspects - this man. I had expected a quick divorce but, instead, we are now into the 3rd year of proceedings and I’m £5k down and struggling to pay everything (I hadn’t claimed CM but have put in a claim this week). I am also paying for the family home - well, the bills and maintenance.

My heart and soul has struggled with my feelings and emotions for years over this and I’m not enjoying my life at all - when I should be! I am very aware that I was young and naive when I married and, well, for myself trapped. Parents were elderly (all now RIP) and unable to help with childcare so I didn’t get much of a break from work/kids/sorting out my mum. I knew passion didn’t exist in my marriage. Sex was dull and I just wasn’t into it. Obviously, now I have had my eyes opened!

Overall, I am struggling to accept things. I am extremely lonely. All family support around me has gone (with my remaining sibling taking his own life last year). My disposable income is low now (even though I am on a good salary) simply because I am the one paying for most of the care of the teen children, the vast hourly rate to a solicitor (I have recently got a new solicitor as it was apparent I wasn’t getting anywhere with the old one), the house bills and maintenance etc.
My job isn’t my career. I had to leave due to the working pattern. It’s a horrible job. Very stressful and I deal with negativity and moaning staff all day and everyday. The manager is lazy and hides out of the way leaving me to manage the place! I cry in the car on the way home most days.

Although, OM is still in contact he has cut contact numerous times as he feels bad about what we have done in the past. I understand this and really wish I hadn’t let my pathetic, lonely self get so involved with him.

I have tried OLD but having no success after a year. It’s the same men. Most are awful. I did meet one who I though would help me get over the other but it turned out he had ED and he shut down completely after our first real time at proper intimacy on a weekend in London. He fizzled out of my life and decided that we lived too far apart (30 miles) and we didn’t have much in common! He had been done before the ED incident.

So, I am living in despair. OM still in my life (we do get on well as friends and I have accepted that - even though I know feelings are there from my side ), job is mentally and emotionally challenging, my teen daughter is a nightmare (moody and awful to be out with on a day off), I have a lot less money to play with and am struggling a bit, I have no family and have to deal with the death of both of my siblings in the last 18 months and I am lonely. I’m not sleeping well. I really think I’d end it all if it wasn’t for the kids.

My biggest burden is the knowing that I lived in a sexless (with no intimacy or kissing) for so, so long and lived with it! I have missed out on so much and I’m struggling with that too!

What can I do???

So much loss and change. I’m so sorry.

You sound understandably depressed and exhausted. Can you have a chat with your GP and explore options there? Are you on hrt?

You don’t mention friends but if you have them now’s the time to lean in and ask for support. Make time for yourself and things you enjoy- walking is great for your mood and even better if with a friend and coffee. Cinema, swim, reading group. Whatever floats your boat.

Is there anything you can change about your work life? Even having an escape plan can help you keep going while you plan ahead.

I genuinely hope things improve for you. OM sadly sounds as if he’s not good for you. I’m afraid that despite you feeling he’s a friend he’s making you feel worse and saying goodbye might be the way of getting over this.

Be kind to yourself and accept if you will a much frowned upon hug from me.

Oh bless you. It sounds like it's been a nightmare.

I think part of how you're feeling could be dealing with the constant low level rejection from this other man. This kind of death by a thousand cuts from someone who is unavailable but keeps you in their life because they like the attention is soul destroying.

Do you think you could go cold turkey on that?

Is it necessary to get divorced straight away? I don't know much about the legalities but mine was quite easy because we'd been separated for a while. Perhaps someone might have some more knowledge on that.

It can be lovely and lonely being single. It's really about being comfortable with your own company. It's a terrible cliché but you do tend to find a man when you're not looking for one. It's also really important to find someone that you want in your life, not to fill a gap.

You have been through so much in the last few years. I think the OM is not helping - death by a thousand cuts as a PP said. Can you cut contact? Tell yourself you are just doing it for a while then longer….

Have you good friends? Can you take up some hobbies or volunteering if you have time?

It’s difficult. He has cut contact himself a few times as he knows it’s wrong and unfair. He always returns and things remain friendly but, eventually, things turn sexual (last night). I think the deep rooted problem for me is that I married young before I had lived as an adult and dated anyone else. OM, although unavailable, gets on with me really, really well and the sexual chemistry is sky high. This has never waned over the years. He does care for me and has always shown a lot more interest etc. in me than my husband ever did. It’s difficult to let go.

I know it’s destroying me though and I have come off a lot worse.

Be compassionate with yourself and think what you would tell a friend to do. I think you know the answer. Life may feel hard right now but lots of great advice here to follow. Start your new life alone with self respect. This OM is not giving you the chance to do that. Please try and look after yourself. Hard I know with job etc but even small things help.

You're not going to be able to develop another relationship while you meet up with OM. You need to cut contact with him. He's providing a thrill for you, by only being available on his terms, but it sounds like it is destroying you. Ditch him and make yourself fully emotionally available to someone else. At the moment, you're comparing everyone to him. He's the only winner in the situation

I know. The problem is, we have a great friendship too. I can’t underestimate how well we get on and connect. But, yes, I know it’s destroying me. I have tried online dating for a year and had a few other dates (even when OM isn’t around and I think he’s gone) but it just isn’t working. My marriage was so empty in terms of passion, affection and even connection that it’s like I have missed out (well, I have) and am grieving for something I haven’t had and feel I won’t have (properly anyway).
Although my marriage was nothing more than a platonic friendship my stbx was a good man and a nice man - this is the problem and this is why I didn’t act on my feelings for many years. But it just wasn’t there! I feel really bad as I have just applied for child maintenance (I haven’t up to now) and my eldest child said he is worried about his dad as he doesn’t know how he will pay it (he has a lower paid job than me). I’m racked with guilt over that too but then know I can’t continue to live a lie. I was dying inside.

I am fully aware that OM gave me something that I was missing. I hadn’t set out on anything happening but feelings, thoughts and emotions were just all thrown into turmoil and I started to really think about the way I had been living. There was no attraction in my marriage (me to him) and I shouldn’t have continued with it years ago. Menopause triggered a whole host of things for me (which I believe is common in women, including my own mother who also left her marriage at a similar age).

Overall, I was inexperienced and naive when I was young and made a pretty stupid decision.

Online dating is dire.

What can you do? Go to therapy and stop looking to ANY man for the answer. They’re just a drug, a distraction. Heal your relationship with yourself.

I’d like to see a counsellor but solicitor fees are costing me a fortune. I can access counsellors through work but not sure how good they be.