AITA? Just parted ways with a close friend because they sexually assaulted me. Now they say they are angry with me for never talking about what happened, since it has - obviously - affected our friendship. Is that my problem or theirs?

[Redheadredemption]

I hope it’s okay to post here. CN: sexual assault.

A ‘best friend’ (let’s say Bella) of 20 years behaved appallingly towards me about 2 years ago. Bella was drunk and very predatory and didn’t accept several clear “no”s. I was frightened of her and how she acted. I had to run away from her. I told my DH immediately and he has been very supportive. I still startle if I am in the same place it happened (somewhere in my house).

I initially didn’t speak to Bella for a few months. We had one conversation about what happened and she apologised - I had also made it clear in a text after she had left that she had violated my boundaries and it was not ok. I have a history of trauma and am neurodiverse so for me that compounded things, and she knew this was a beyond shitty act.

But then a few weeks later Bella’s sister got terminal cancer and I stepped forward and we reconnected, because it would have I guess been cruel not to be there for her. She had a breakdown after this and I carried her through it. She sent lots of gifts since (a bit weird I guess) and has provided emotional support to me in many ways.

So I went back into my role as her friend - but also a year ago had my DD. DD arrived after I lost my son to miscarriage, and she is the love of my life. Now a new and tired working mum, I have limited spare time for friends irl. However I saw Bella perhaps once a month. I had subconsciously stepped back though from doing as much 1:1 or more intimate and in the evenings. I also got slower at replying to people. But we still texted daily.

This - she said recently - wasn’t enough. She wanted to see me more in real life. I apologised for how things had changed since I had my DD. She said my “behaviour” wasn’t ok. She was obviously sad I was less “there” and tired of the excuses.

Bella though then said by text that I clearly had an “inability” to talk about what happened, that this had impacted our friendship, and that this was not her responsibility... I guess she worked out why else I didn’t want as much time with her.

This was the last straw for me. I thought how dare you define what my boundaries should be and make this my fault. I was shocked. I said so and blocked her.

I have now “lost” my best friend. I also feel like perhaps she was a bit of a dominance and a bully in my life, and am a bit shaken by the reality of it. I have a lovely therapist and DH is being super.

but - have I missed something here? Should I have given her the time of day to talk about it or was me burying it for the last few years a bad or unfriendly thing? And how do I move on?

No,of course not, she's not a friend. I'm so sorry, op.

You are doing all the right things. Just keep moving forward. You KNOW deep down this is her issue and not yours.

I think friendship dynamics also change a lot when you have a baby. Of course you weren’t going to be there as much for her.

It does sound like she was maybe a toxic influence on you, so take your time and grieve the friendship, but hopefully you can make some nicer friends.

OP - so glad you've found a lovely therapist. It sounds like your energies would be best spent in developing new, healthier friendships .

I must say that I'm surprised that you're talking about a woman. Sexual assault by females is rare compared to male rates of sexual offending. I hope you experience better female friendships in future.

@EarthSight I know - it’s I think part of the harder dimension of it. I would I think have been more immediate with my ending of the friendship if she’d been male.

Wtf? I wouldn't have gone back to being her friend in the first place! YANBU, she's in the wrong in every single way.

Glad you've got a good therapist, husband and your lovely DD. Focus on the good things in your life and forget this abuser.

You are not the asshole, to follow the parlance.

Your friend is clearly trying to have an affair with you and is only chasing you to talk about it so she can persuade you into it. She is entirely the asshole and always was. You were incredibly generous helping her through her sister's illness, but now you need to let go and block this awful predator who is damaging your mental health.

(nice "not all women" shout from earthsight there 🙄yes it's just as bad as a "not all men" cry, the "friend" is an attempted rapist and needs to be binned)

Beware the person who blames you for their actions.

You're well rid, OP

@Dodecaheidyin oh I’m writing that on a post it - thank you. Just what I needed to hear.

And thank you to others too - I really appreciate it.

Stay away from her. She sounds dangerous.

@Goodread1 Not made up, sadly. I wish it was. Obviously name is made up and I’ve tweaked the timing very slightly so it’s not too identifying. I wrote it out lots of times and overthought what I’d say so might seem that way.

Friends don't sexually assault you, nor do they manipulate you into spending more time with them. She is toxic and manipulative. I'd honestly stay away from her.

Then report it.

I must say that I'm surprised that you're talking about a woman. Sexual assault by females is rare compared to male rates of sexual offending.

And…?

Yeah that comment is bizarre

It sounds like you're well rid of her to be honest. I bet she hasn't given you any emotional support.

Without her appealing previous behaviour, her saying that it was not acceptable for you to step back when your life changed is enough to end the friendship. It happens, people's lives change, and we see them less. Sometimes, we put up with seeing them less, and other times, we just stop being friends. It is not OK to demand people spend more time with us. Ask and even say "otherwise I won't bother" in a nicer way, but she doesn't get to choose your priorities.

Going back to the original assault and her recent comments, she sounds pretty toxic and dangerous. I am glad you've cut contact. I would be worried she would attempt to assault you again otherwise.

For fucks sake. If you think it's a troll, then report it. Troll hunting is banned and you know it.

im sorry you ever felt like you needed to give her the time of day ever again after what she did. She’s a sexual predator. Thank fuck she’s finally out of your life.

You are definitely not the asshole here.

She sexually assaulted you. She is lucky you didn't report her to the Police.

Please do not give this person any more of your time or energy.

A woman (close friend) did this to me, also a woman pre kids. We never discussed it and I never spoke to her again. I don’t owe her anything.

OP
i would truly say that you need to really get some support , and this individual is in no way shape or form a friend .

And it’s shame that you dh isnt equipped to help you . and that’s not a criticism of him , as many people are ill equipped.

this personal is a sexual predator and many other unpleasant things

I’d speak with a professional personally , maybe a psychotherapist

I must say that I'm surprised that you're talking about a woman. Sexual assault by females is rare compared to male rates of sexual offending. I hope you experience better female friendships in future

Pointless comment. It is true that it is rarer. But it still happens.

I have now “lost” my best friend. I also feel like perhaps she was a bit of a dominance and a bully in my life, and am a bit shaken by the reality of it. I have a lovely therapist and DH is being super

OP, she was never your best friend. She is predatory and manipulative, and as you say dominant and a bully.
She sexually assaulted you and therefore you should never let her back into your life, ever again.

OP - what a disturbing and distressing thing to have happen.

Since she was the perpetrator and you were the victim, she does not get to dictate what you need to do to recover and she certainly doesn’t get to demand that you resume your friendship. That’s for you only to decide.

You’re under no obligation whatsoever to discuss it if you don’t want to. She’s experiencing the consequences of what she did and they’re painful. But most of us have to learn some painful lessons in life and this is one of hers.

Her attitude to you sounds unhealthy and I think you’re better off leaving her behind. Not everything can be fixed after being broken.