Would you be OK with this

[Navigatingarelationship]

I have posted a thread about dp recently but I'd appreciate responses on this particular aspect.

For back story, dp can be shut down, moody, snap at me over silly things (not personal things), possibly on the spectrum especially as he struggles with general anxiety. There's an emotional disconnect. On the plus side, he's kind, chatty and we have times of emotional intimacy. He's great when relaxed, the problem is he's often anxious and stressed.

The other day we talked and I said I can't tolerate him snapping at me, that it makes me feel distant from him. Dp accepted that he snaps, said hes sorry about it and that he gets stressed and he can't help doing it. He said it doesn't brew within him or anything, it just happens. I told him I sense a general irritated energy from him a lot of the time.

Here's the thing. Dp said he wants to work with me on everything I'm unhappy about and that when he gets snappy he will apologise afterwards, as he accepts that when he says nothing it makes things worse as I assume he's in a mood still. But I don't know if that really changes anything. I do accept his snappy behaviour isn't personal but I still feel on edge around him. How he was recently deeply upset me but it's been an issue from day one.

I'm wondering if others would feel it's enough to receive an apology? Dp clearly wants to work things out but I'm just not sure I can cope with his stress at all. It's nothing in particular making him stressed, it just flares up all the time. I'm quite a sensitive person and with a history of an abusive marriage I don't know if this can work. Am I being unrealistic by expecting him to not get stressed?

Nope.
Who wants to walk on eggshells around their ‘D’P waiting for the next explosion?
”Sorry” afterwards isn’t good enough. Would he go to anger management or counselling or try medication for his anxiety and stress? If not then walk away. Imagine how a DC would feel constantly being snapped at.

I think if this is the first time he's acknowledged he's doing it, and the first time he's not been defensive but has admitted fault and wants to change moving forward...then I'd move on with that and hope for change. Saying that though, he has to actively try and not snap as opposed to just apologizing after. Then atleast if you move forward and nothing changes, you can say you gave it one last shot. I can be quite snappy at times, and like you're partner, I don't always feel the stress building or brewing..then i'll just snap (my snap is like a snappy remark, not losing my temper though). I think some of us just have that kind of temperament, I don't think I'm nasty and definitely don't mean to do it so I would give him the benefit of doubt one last time to change it.

I agree that 'sorry' afterwards isn't good enough.

An apology is a good thing - and of course any wrong-doing should be followed by an apology. But in his case, he's saying 'I'm still going to be irritable and snappy, but if I say sorry after you've no right to be upset by it'.

He needs to show real determination to STOP doing it.

Instead, he's planning on not changing his behaviour except for a (very easy to say, not necesarily meant) apology afterwards.

Apologies are only meaningful if the represent 'I'm sorry for what I did. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it. I won't do it again'..

His will mean 'I'm sort of sorry for what I did. But not enough to stop doing it. I just want you to accept my bad behaviour and this quick sentence should help'.

No, that wouldn't work for me at all and you shouldn't expect to put up with it either.

Thanks everyone i really appreciate the responses. I had no idea whether I was being unreasonable or not.

I think I will talk to him again and say I need him to work on not snapping as an apology is not enough. The problem is I don't think he understands that even though it's not personal it still feels hurtful. He sees it as just the way he is...he doesn't grasp the impact on me, or perhaps does now but thinks as it isn't personal it shouldn't affect me.

I suspect he won't be able to change and I'll have my answer. I think I'm scared of looking unreasonable and petty.

No , I say don't keep apologising, just stop doing it

Thanks. It would be easier if it was more obvious like he swore at me or something but it's just general snappish behaviour. I know I don't have to tolerate it but throwing away the good feels sad. I will talk to him but he has said before the irritation is how he is so I'm not hopeful.