Work affair

[mrspick]

Last year I started a fwb with a guy at work. I was off work sick for 4 months and during that time he started messaging me. He told me he was single (recently split from his partner) and there was no sign of him being in a relationship on his social media. This carried on for 6 months. He was all lovely but then little details started creeping out, he had been seeing 4 girls prior to me (while still with his gf) and other such stuff. I then found out he was actually still with his gf and had started messaging me 3 months after she had had a baby. I have heard all the excuses, only together for the kids etc etc. I have been off work this week but messaged him to change his van route (which he has told me he can do) so he doesn't have to come to my shop. I don't think he has done it from what I have heard so will have to see him twice a week. Should I inform his partner? One of the things that came out later on was that he never uses protection so he has put me at risk as well as his gf. I think I would want know.

He sounds terrible and very much like a man I know! He is also in a similar line of work and his partner had a baby last year.
This is tough, she does deserve to know, she’s at risk as he is sleeping around. Are you doing it to get back at him or looking out for her? Do you know her to contact her?

I would want to know.

If I'm honest it's probably a bit of both which sounds awful. I don't know her but know who she is. He has said some terrible things about her which I am sure now are all lies.

@mrspick, she is in the dark, so please tell her. He is robbing her of her choices and consent, and is putting her health at risk. She deserves to know the truth, just as you do.

The thing that has stopped me is the two young kids they have. And I know it is him breaking up his family but me telling her would feel like it was me doing it.

He has caused this, he hasn’t put any thought into his family whilst he constantly cheated on her. She doesn’t deserve the truth, I feel really bad for her. I also feel bad for you and any other woman who gets with him thinking he is single and then perhaps falling for him when he has no intentions of sticking around.

How would you contact his partner?

She is on Facebook so could message her. The whole work thing is a problem as well. it would all end up coming out. Funnily enough she has started volunteering at one of our shops.......not his idea he said. Talk about playing with fire! Honestly, I have never known such deception. Told me his young daughter begged him to stay when he left, another lie! Literally makes me sick to my stomach that I fell for his bullshit.

She’s most likely volunteering as she expects something is going on. Some women do this to show their partner that they are around and can’t hide anything .
if it causes problems at work then explain to people that you had no idea he was still with his partner as he told so many lies about it all.

Id contact her via Facebook and just say you’d like to talk to her. Tell her your side of the story and let her ask questions. She might be dismissive, he might have already told her lies and say people are chasing him and making things up. Do you still have any messages from him?

I have every single message so he will not be able to lie his way out of it.

Then if she wants to see them offer her them. Be gentle with her, he’s an idiot and you have every right to be annoyed with him but she’s innocent, looking after 2 children. Her world is about to fall apart so she may get angry with you but please remember she’s really angry at him!

I would never do it in a horrible way, we are both his victims. But I think I will have to do it when he leaves the job. He is agency and they don't tend to stay too long. I can't put my job at risk at for him. Thank you for all your advice.

He's putting at serious risk of an STI by not using protection and cheating so much. I would tell her, your not breaking them up she might decide to forgive or ignore the situation, but it should be her choice, not yours.

Also, please get tested for STIs ASAP. Some can be asymptomatic and can cause infertility. He's done enough damage, don't let him do more.

Good point. What a position to find myself in. I was stupid not to insist on protection.

@mrspick - not your fault re being the OW but yes always insist on protection. Unless you’re in an LTR, if a man is not using it with you that means he doesn’t use it with other people. And don’t believe what a man tells you about their sexual habits. Always pay attention to what he does. How he behaves sexually with you reflects how he behaves generally so don’t be fooled into thinking he’s different with you or you’re special in some way - everyone is someone and everyone deserves to be treated well.

Still, IME, painful lessons are often the most valuable in the long-term so see what you can learn from this and you’ll be wiser next time.

Let's hope so.

stay well out of it

she’ll find out anyway as he’s clearly fucked other women as well as you
you are clearly one of many

and maybe she knows , probably does

so given that -I’d back off and put your energy into yourself

rather than re blowing up her world
and maybe doing this because you want revenge ? Be honest with yourself here

we are both his victims

id re word that to ‘we are all his victims ‘

there are more than two women in his life