Hi
I am after a bit of unbiased advice. I have been with my partner for 3.5 years and we have a child who is 13 months. He is from Italy and I am from the UK. When we first got together everything was great, we are both older and made the mutual decision to have a child as time was not on my side. Once I was pregnant I started talking more about the future, in financial terms. Something we had discussed before but not in great detail. I wanted to buy a house, we were renting an apt and in the city we lived, we couldn’t get anything decent over £250k. We had an approval from the bank that we could afford a lot more than this, he didn’t want to spent anything more than £120k. with that we couldn’t afford a 1 bed apt. it was a long battle and too many arguments to remember. Where he is from, saving money is so important, he would rather have it in his bank and theres an obsession with saving. Which isn’t bad but to the point where we were disagreeing on a lot of things, I wanted the house in a nice area to bring up our child. He wouldn’t budge, every property I showed him was ‘too much’. He started WFH as his company closed the office, during this time it went downhill, he didn’t get dressed – woke up, didn’t wash or brush his teeth and sat on the computer all day in the clothes he slept in. it wasn’t attractive and I hated it! I told him how I felt and it didn’t go down well. I had a bit of post-natal once I had the baby which he didn’t really understand, I was just ‘a bitch’. So we didn’t get on for a while. I also asked if he would help me while I was on maternity leave due to me only getting a certain amount per month, he said no. ‘You should have saved your money’. Fast forward 6 months, I knew the interest rates were going to rise. He said he didn’t want to buy a house with me. So I bought one myself, out of the city and in the town I grew up. Closer to my family. He was hesitant of moving there and said he didn’t want to but did in the end. He did because his work said he could go and work in Italy for a couple of months out of the year. When we moved in, the house needed some work doing to it, I have spent near £6k on it. I asked him for some money for the new flooring, he said no, I asked for some money for the new couch, he said no. When I asked he said I was only ‘after his money’. He does pay me rent, I do earn more than him and he always says are you going to pay more. Which I said no. He was given a gift of 10K from his parents which sits in his account. I asked if he was going to use the money for us, to do something with it, he said no and made up a stupid story about wanting to put it towards his pension – hes in his 30’s. He does pay me half for the babys nursery too as I have gone back full time, which he moans about all the time.
Every month he says he come to the end of the month with no money, he doesnt spend anything other than on food, he only shops in primark which is very rare when he buys new things. he earns about £2k a month and he pays me 800 for rent, bills and the babys nursery. He has £k’s sat in his account. I found a note today showing a transaction from his UK account to an Italian one for £1k. I guess hes sending money over there. I don’t understand! I wanted a partner that could share life with me, including financials, make the best of what we have. I’m not stupid, I don’t own designer bags or anything like that. Im in my mid 30’s with a partner who I don’t feel connected to in that way. I want the best for us but I feel like im doing it all on my own and he’s a lodger. Hes great with the baby, he loves him so much and he spends a lot of time with him, no complaints there. I see all my friends all working together with their partners, having joint accounts, sharing everything to an extent, I always want my own money and not to share everything. Am I being over sensitive about it? Asking my family and friends they all take my side which they would I suppose! I just want someone to tell me the truth, is it ok the way I’m living, is it normal?