What do I do about my ‘best friend’

[Breehinny]

So my ‘best friend’ and I have been friends for approx 20 years, I was her maid of honour last year but since the wedding I feel like she’s really distanced herself from me and I’m unsure why.
I understand that adult friendships are hard, we have our own lives and spouses but she doesn’t seem to make any effort with me whatsoever, yet sees other friends all the time.
I don’t believe there is anything I’ve done wrong, I planned her hen which she loved, helped her with loads of wedding stuff etc. I’ll try to make plans and she agrees and then ditches last minute, I’ll message her and we’ll have a conversation going and then she just stops and doesn’t reply for ages or just abandons the conversation all together, even if I’ve asked a question and the conversation is flowing.
I make all of the effort and I’m starting to feel like maybe I should just stop trying and see if she comes to me, and if she doesn’t then it’s her loss.

Over new year I messaged and said let’s make it a resolution to see each other more, and she agreed and told me she loved me but that was it, still no effort since. I’m starting to think she just doesn’t like me anymore.

The only thing I can think is the issue is her husband, as I went to hers for a catch-up a few weeks ago and she was all chatty and fine and then he came home and she started being all quiet, or started up a conversation with him instead, and then for some reason he started doing DIY in the kitchen where we were sitting, so I just felt forced out at that point. Again, I feel like there is no reason for him to not like me, I’m in a committed relationship too (I know some men can be funny about single friends), and I don’t drag her out to bars and I’m not a bad influence on her, and I don’t think he’s controlling or preventing her from going out as she still goes out with her other friends, who she’s now started calling her ‘best friends’. I know I sound childish and jealous, I don’t really care for the term best friend sometimes as I feel like it does sound immature, but when you’v been close with someone almost your whole life and now they’ve started replacing you for no apparent reason, it does hurt.

I’m not really sure what to do, or what to say to her if I do ask what’s going on, and there’s no guarantee she’ll even reply to me. Has anyone else experienced this? Please help.

i would ask her outright, tell her you feel like shes not making the effort with you, you feel alittle upset when she ditches you last minute etc. and say have i done something wrong, if not is everything ok? You never know she might have things going on or have something she needs to get off her chest.

Oh your post scares me! This exact situation happened in our friend group (even right down to her husband being in the kitchen and making us all feel awkward!) and after two years, the friend that distanced herself admitted she had been in a cohersive control situation.

They're now divorced but as soon as they got married he made her distance herself from closest friends etc.

Have you seen any signs of strange behaviour from her husband?

Just back off and see if she steps forward, if not then let it go. Sometimes we move on in our friendships, so focus on those that are positive for you, or on making new ones.

Can you ask her? If you're so close I don't see why not?

Or message her first and suggest meeting up and if she says no then ask? If she says yes then that's good?

Other than that day where he came home and started doing DIY. He will say hello when I see him, and smiles. She does complain about him quite a lot though, so perhaps she went quiet because she didn’t feel like she could talk about things in front of him.

I can and will, I’m just stuck in that grey area it seems. She can be a bit defensive sometimes and turn things back on me, I’ve got no issue telling her how it is, I think I probably haven’t said anything because maybe I don’t want to know the answer if it’s not good.

You need to accept the friendship is ending. I'm so sorry.

Oof. I did this exact thing when I was in an abusive relationship.
I’d say just get on with your own life, stop working so hard if it drains you, but keep the lines open mildly of friendship.

Ps. The “best friends” thing - I still do this. It’s easier to show up at group events than hang out one on one, especially when you just want to get out and do something, not sit and talk.

I would imagine this is not about you. Just focus on enjoying your own life, and maybe stop giving her so much energy. I’m sorry OP, it’s hard.

Ask her

Interesting am in a similar situation, I think it’s just she’s loved up hoping it’s nothing sinister. I’ve decided I’ll keep up with the odd message etc but not expecting much.

I could have written your post myself a few years ago regarding a friend and her new partner.
He was slowly making comments and digs to her about her friends and she pulled away from the group, stopped speaking on the group chat (he used to make her show him to prove we were not slagging him off, she stopped coming on nights out etc.

She couldn't see what he was doing, they eventually split (his decision) and frustratingly, she fell for someone else the same.
He's definitely controlling her and unfortunately, she won't see this, she will just see that you don't like him and therefore she shouldn't befriends with you anymore as that's what he is telling her.

They're usually not honest when you ask if you've done anything wrong.

I've got two friends who never bother getting in touch. I'm pig sick of them.

Thank you all for your replies. I have messaged and asked for a meet up this weekend and she has said yes, we’ll go from there and hopefully as it’s last minute already she won’t ditch.

Fingers crossed 🤞, OP. But given what you describe of how she was when he was around, I think, as POs have suggested, there are tensions in the marriage and he may be discouraging her from seeing you, perhaps because your previous closeness means he fears she will confide something in you that he doesn’t want her to share.

how did your meet up go?

Yes how was it