Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

2 years later and I feel trapped

21 replies

SpringStill · 24/02/2023 15:27

Hello.

Im a man looking for some advice.

A few years ago my wife had a short affair. It hit me hard, but we have been trying really hard to try and move on. We are still trying and things are hard at times.

But it feels like her life didn't really change. She got to cheat, she got the fun she got the excitement and I'm left with the heart ache. Im heart broken.

I see her getting on with her life. She is really confident, funny and good looking. We walk through the local supermarket and I see men looking at her.

But I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm invisible. It feels she gets the attention and I get looked past. Like i don't exist.

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like some one wants me apart from my wife.

I don't want an affair or anything like that. But I want her to see that others do see me.

We aren't a couple that goes out to pubs, we don't do hobbies. All our time is spent with each other and our family. Im happy with that, but I feel flat.

I know my self-esteem will be shot. I know that my confidence will be down and I know that I need to practice self care. But how? I work in an environment which is full of men. I have no female friends I can talk to and just feel like my life is just stopping me from living.

Has anyone else felt this way a few years after being on the wrong side of an affair?

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 24/02/2023 15:36

You deserve more. Please find the strength to leave and find a more worthwhile person to share life with.

MyriadOfTravels · 24/02/2023 19:15

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like some one wants me apart from my wife.

That stands out for me.
1- are you sure your wife actually REALLY see you and that you feel seen by her? Because if you feel life has carried on exactly the same for her, then I’m wondering if she has made any effort to make up fur her affair.
2- why do you to be seen or wanted by others? Is it an ego boost, wanting to her back at her, making things even things? Is it about and how you feel about yourself or is it about her and how she treated you (and reminding her tables could turn etc…)

BoundShark · 24/02/2023 21:51

SpringStill · 24/02/2023 15:27

Hello.

Im a man looking for some advice.

A few years ago my wife had a short affair. It hit me hard, but we have been trying really hard to try and move on. We are still trying and things are hard at times.

But it feels like her life didn't really change. She got to cheat, she got the fun she got the excitement and I'm left with the heart ache. Im heart broken.

I see her getting on with her life. She is really confident, funny and good looking. We walk through the local supermarket and I see men looking at her.

But I'm jealous.

I feel like I'm invisible. It feels she gets the attention and I get looked past. Like i don't exist.

I want to feel wanted. I want to feel like some one wants me apart from my wife.

I don't want an affair or anything like that. But I want her to see that others do see me.

We aren't a couple that goes out to pubs, we don't do hobbies. All our time is spent with each other and our family. Im happy with that, but I feel flat.

I know my self-esteem will be shot. I know that my confidence will be down and I know that I need to practice self care. But how? I work in an environment which is full of men. I have no female friends I can talk to and just feel like my life is just stopping me from living.

Has anyone else felt this way a few years after being on the wrong side of an affair?

When you say ‘we have been trying really hard’ what does this entail? I don’t mean you, that will be plenty hard, everyday will be hard getting over that. I meant the ‘we’ part. Have you done counselling? Together? Seperately ? Talked about why it happened ? Have you been to the surviving infidelity site?

barmycatmum · 24/02/2023 21:55

Hi, oh my gosh I could have written this post.
I too felt this way in my relationship.
this is a problem in your relationship, and it needs addressing.
you are expressing that you don’t feel seen, or wanted , or attractive.

so where do you go from here?
im not sure. I didn’t solve it. I went to the gym, I flirted, but honestly, the more I worked on myself and my self esteem (and yes, looking for attention, just harmless flirtation from men) the more flat it all felt.

it needs addressing within your relationship. Counseling , maybe? She needs to keep doing the work of repair with YOU.

or, as in my case - the only other solution may be to end the relationship.

i am sorry. It hurts. And life is way too brief & precious to spend it feeling invisible.

I feel far more attractive and desirable now single and not dating than I did in that relationship.

I hope you find your mojo again!

Opentooffers · 24/02/2023 22:39

You are happy with all your time being with each other and family - there's the problem, most people wouldn't be happy with that.
No hobbies, no going out together, no date nights by the sounds of it. Has your vivacious DW explained why she got entagled in an affair? I'd guess monotony & boredom had a hand in it. Not that that's a valid reason.
You say you are both trying, but if you don't have date nights, you are going to get nowhere and she will be vulnerable to someone else to add interest.
Begs the question how long she got away with an affair if you spend all your time together.
I think you should work on finding a better balance in life for yourself. It's not normal to not go out with your own friends from time to time and if you make 1 person the centre of your world, it hits harder when things go wrong as you have found.

Mercyovermerit · 24/02/2023 23:21

This makes sense completely. The only thing I suspect however , is .. is there a possibility they do not find each other exactly interesting, exciting, if you’d rather? And so being in the company of others , perhaps, helps fill the void ? Cos you see , if they aren’t exactly excited about each other, date nights, etc ll mean absolutely nothing. I personally would decline such invites, tbh.

cassiatwenty · 24/02/2023 23:32

Hi @SpringStill

First, props to you for being open and honest. Your needs are definitely valid and there is nothing wrong wanting to be seen and noticed, needed and appreciated.

I don't have any sage advice, just that it's okay wanting/needing more appreciative people in your life.

If you are happier and in love with life then you also have more love to give to your DW and other people in your life. 🖐

TabooOfNoSex · 25/02/2023 07:25

have no female friends I can talk to

Talk to your male friends then.

Why would they have to be ’females’?
So they would do the ”you poor man” routine and shag you?

category12 · 25/02/2023 08:14

It's no wonder you feel flat, if you don't have anything but family and work going on in your life. You say you're happy with it, but you're not.

I think it's a bit unhealthy to have your life so small really. And since your partner cheated, it's not the source of comfort & safety it once was. Isn't there anything you'd like to do, with or without your partner? I'd branch out a bit and get a hobby/social group going.

Don't look to find a female friend to confide in, because I'm pretty sure that's just the road to an affair yourself, and tit for tat isn't very adult or healthy. Plus women aren't here to be men's therapy - if you need someone to discuss your feelings with, it's an actual counsellor you need (and nothing wrong with that, everyone needs mh support sometimes).

You may also like to speak with your gp in case that flat feeling is depression.

FebName · 25/02/2023 08:17

greenspaces4peace · 24/02/2023 15:36

You deserve more. Please find the strength to leave and find a more worthwhile person to share life with.

This!

category12 · 25/02/2023 08:52

Oh and there's nothing wrong in coming to the point where you say: "you know what, I thought I could "get over" the affair but I've tried and I can't. We need to break up/go to counselling".

BoundShark · 25/02/2023 08:53

TabooOfNoSex · 25/02/2023 07:25

have no female friends I can talk to

Talk to your male friends then.

Why would they have to be ’females’?
So they would do the ”you poor man” routine and shag you?

I think he just wants a female perspective that’s why he came here?

Successgirl2022 · 25/02/2023 09:17

How old are you both?

Why did she cheat?

In my 20s & 30s, I also wanted (maybe sometimes desperately😊to be noticed sexually. It's nature that wants us to have babies.

From the age of 32 - 33 I have built my high self-esteem & confidence and now at 43 I have high self-esteem I deserve and I know my worth.

For myself, I know 'I am one of the best (in my head 'I am the best' with humour), great, charming, beautiful, fit, funny, talented, strong, healthy for my age' in my healthy narcissism way and I don't need anybody's constant admiring looks and approval.

I fully love myself and see that others like me too.

You need to start working on your confidence & high self-esteem.

2 wrongs won't make it right cheating back & points scoring.

Successgirl2022 · 25/02/2023 09:17
Mariposista · 25/02/2023 09:21

We aren't a couple that goes out to pubs, we don't do hobbies. All our time is spent with each other and our family.

here is your problem

Abc12389 · 25/02/2023 09:22

Did you work through the affair and how you felt at the time?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/02/2023 09:29

It's ok to admit you can no longer stay with your wife. She's the one who destroyed your trust and the marriage, not you.

SleepyRooster · 25/02/2023 09:36

Similar situation here.

I ask for romantic attention/reassurance from DP, and joint counselling. It's the least he can do. He is 100% willing, will do anything to make amends etc. Unclear yet whether it will be "enough"

Also, pursue hobbies and wider friendship groups

cassiatwenty · 26/02/2023 20:54

OP, don't let anyone tell you you're not worthy of love and attention.

You have a right to ask for advice on MN if that's your choice if you don't feel comfortable with your make coworkers.

You don't owe your happiness to anyone, please remember 😊

SunflowerTed · 27/02/2023 07:59

Mariposista · 25/02/2023 09:21

We aren't a couple that goes out to pubs, we don't do hobbies. All our time is spent with each other and our family.

here is your problem

Totally agree

SunflowerTed · 27/02/2023 08:03

You are bored- you have looked at her affair and said clearly ‘she got the fun she got the excitement’ you need to think about why you feel so flat and so invisible. Your life is so insular as the trust has gone. If you each try and have a life outside the home then these trust issues will come to the fore. Sounds like a miserable existence and if you’re honest with yourself this relationship is no longer fulfilling your needs

New posts on this thread. Refresh page