Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dealing with comments from DM

2 replies

Springawakenings · 24/02/2023 13:06

Growing up i was always a skinny child due to my dancing. Looking back I was a scarily skinny child. I did eat alot but I was always burning it off. Anyway my parents are huge fatists. They see "overweight" people as lazy and horrible. No idea why they think this. I disagree with most of their views if I'm honest anyway.
As I've got older I don't really exercise as much and I have MH issues. I tend to eat my feelings away I guess like some people do.
How ever when I see my parents there's always digs about my weight or what I eat calling me a big buffalo etc. Today I said my DS reminds me when I was little and they said what skinny, you're definitely not now are you. You're more like your aunt who is big now.
I kind of laugh it off but said that's harsh.
Now I'm sitting here feeling really rubbish. I'm conscious I would like to be fitter like I used to be and not a fan of my body anymore but it just makes you feel so awful.
When I gave birth years ago I put 4 stone on and my DM was over my shoulder trying to get me to exercise after 6 weeks of giving birth. Saying I needed to lose weight. I was in a vulnerable place anyway with PND and that added extra wasn't helpful.

How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2023 13:26

If she is too difficult/toxic or otherwise too batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. I would no longer see your mother under any circumstances and at the very least you need to be far less available to her. Your dad backs her as well, he is her all too willing enabler.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is no different. Narcissistic mothers often do this sort of behaviour to their now adult children amongst other damaging behaviours. When their daughter looks slim, this makes the mother’s self-esteem rise. When the daughter becomes chunkier or more voluptuous than the group’s ideal, her Narcissistic mother will feel embarrassed by her. She will envy other women in her group whose daughters more closely fit the current standards for beauty.

Daughters want their mother’s approval and love. Being constantly evaluated by their weight passes the mother’s insecurities onto the daughters. They tend to internalize these values and develop an internal critical voice that constantly gives them either positive or negative feedback about their body weight and whether they appear slender enough.

I would urge you to find a BACP registered therapist and one at that who fits in with your approach. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any one particular person to work with.,

Original poster
Springawakenings · 24/02/2023 13:46

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2023 13:26

If she is too difficult/toxic or otherwise too batshit for you to deal with, its the same deal for your children as well. I would no longer see your mother under any circumstances and at the very least you need to be far less available to her. Your dad backs her as well, he is her all too willing enabler.

You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is no different. Narcissistic mothers often do this sort of behaviour to their now adult children amongst other damaging behaviours. When their daughter looks slim, this makes the mother’s self-esteem rise. When the daughter becomes chunkier or more voluptuous than the group’s ideal, her Narcissistic mother will feel embarrassed by her. She will envy other women in her group whose daughters more closely fit the current standards for beauty.

Daughters want their mother’s approval and love. Being constantly evaluated by their weight passes the mother’s insecurities onto the daughters. They tend to internalize these values and develop an internal critical voice that constantly gives them either positive or negative feedback about their body weight and whether they appear slender enough.

I would urge you to find a BACP registered therapist and one at that who fits in with your approach. Interview such people carefully and at length before choosing any one particular person to work with.,

Thank you very much. That's really insightful. I've just told her she's upset me and I got I was only joking. I can't stand that phrase. If it was funny then I wouldn't be upset. It's just a rubbish excuse so make me feel stupid for bringing it up. She's always told me I'm sensitive.
I've had 6 years of counselling since having my DS. Unfortunately due to money I can't afford it atm.
My value to her has always been placed on my looks and size. This has lead to me seeking male validation no matter what eg. If they were abusive or not. Sad really. That's changing now but still comments about my weight hurt

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page