having a baby alone

[Rachel1969]

I'm researching an article looking at the reality of being a single parent for women today - I need to talk to professional women who were married for several years and then found themselves on their own with child/children.
I want to talk about how they juggle their career with being a single parent.
If you're interested please email me at [email protected]

[Rhiannon]

Hi Gumsy, social life Ha! that sadly came before the baby. Nobody ever told us that did they.

Go to some local toddler groups, make sure the organisers know you want to meet people, offer to help put away the toys or to help with refreshments.

There are lots of people in the same boat as you. The NCT is worth a try, join the committee they meet in the evening once a month (invite them to you). We have a social night once a month (the last one was to an eat all you like for a tenner Chinese restaurant).

6 years ago I left work, had a baby, didn't know a soul with a baby, all my friends were still at work. I had the baby and had no idea what to do with it, I was so tired, my husband was at work all day. I used to open the windows and take big gulps of air to try to calm myself down. When my little boy was 6 months old I discovered the NCT this was my lifeline, I was introduced to 4 other Mums in exactly the same 'boat' and I have never looked back. I am still very actively involved with the NCT because I know the good it can do and how it has helped 'nutters' like me.

Good Luck

[Bon]

Another suggestion would be to join a gym with a creche. This really worked for me. It meant time for myself, yet I knew the baby was in the building and if there were any problems they'd come and get me. It also meant I chatted to people, but not necessarily about babies. I know what you mean, sometimes you just want to get away from the very mention of them. That said, toddler groups etc. are a good way of meeting people and once you've got to know them, there's nothing to stop you talking about stuff other than nappies and teething!

[Gumsy]

thanks for all your messages - it really is good to know that there's people who'll give you some time. i s'pose i was just feeling a bit down. really, i don't want a stonking social life - i couldn't cope with it! i'm fortunate in that i do have some people around me - but its like i've moved on really. i could go out a lot, but what i wanted was family life - that's how i was brought up - and now if i do go to some pre-baby haunt i feel like i'm between 2 worlds. maybe i'll adjust. i know people will say that a woman and a baby can have a family life - in theory i agree, but i'm finding it hard to adapt. i'm a single mum proper now as mr. has made a decision not to be with me at all (today) - i'd better get on and take up some of your suggestion! bizarrely,all of them i have done this week (psychic) - i know it's possible but the disappointment has stopped me taking advantage of whats on offer. i was holding out for a different way of life. i don't want to hate this time - i want to enjoy it - the fat boy needs me to! i work with a lot of single parents (as clients)and unfortunately the picture i see is not very cheering. what i never (naiviely) considered was that when you're on your own with a baby. you are everything -breadwinner, nurturer, entertainment, housekeeper....the hard work is in your head and not necessarily the list of jobs you have to do. anyway, next time i drop in, i'll try to be less of a wuss/winger (no promises). cheers......

[Copper]

Gumsy

I think he's daft. You sound great,a good and funny (and brave)person - and your little fat boy sounds enchanting. Why isn't he enchanted by his son? What is the man expecting out of his life? All that totally unconditional love on offer from someone who will think he is wonderful (I mean from the little fat boy) and he doesn't want it?

Keep posting, and moan as much as you like - you deserve to and here is a good place to do it.

[Lizzer]

Gumsy, I'm a very cheery single parent, honest! We split up when I was 7 months pregnant after a 3 year relationship. At first it was hard but after taking a long hard look at the situation I realised I was the one who was winning. He stopped contacting us when she was 4 months old and we haven't seen him since. I can honestly say that I think it was the best thing for my daughter as she has a very stable and loving homelife now with her extended family (I'm living at my parents and have an 8 yr old sister who is now really close to my 18 month old) I'm going back to study this September and have a voluntary job. I have a wide circle of friends who live the length and bredth of the country so we are always popping off to stay with them and I really have no complaints about being on my own with her. We have built such a strong bond and the best thing is that I know I can exclusively make all the desicions that I feel are the best for her and her development (which I'm hoping are the right ones!) So really there is so much to gain from being on your own with children, it's not better or worse than being in a relationship -just different. That said I know exactly how you feel about social life etc. I think th best you can do is to enjoy your baby for the next 6 months or so because in the blink of an eye they are toddlers and you'll have more opportunities to get out (don't stay in all the time though or you'll go mad, and bore your friends with baby talk too, that's what they're there for after all!) Keep in touch

[Gumsy]

thanks - i'm a lot better today - my brother (to whom i'm v.close) had a baby today - it is quite early, so tiny yet perfect! in my gloom i thought this event was so far away and here it is already. i've realised that this could be really nice for my little family - i'm already involved as they had bought nothing for the baby at all!! so the cousins will be sharing everything for a while until my brother is more sorted. already i can see them splashing around in the pool together. fantastic!!

[Winnie]

Gumsy, I was a single parent for seven years and yes it was hard but being a parent is hard whatever the circumstances. Lots of my friends yearned for the independence and freedom I had as a single parent whilst I envied the support and companionship that those in relationships had! I would argue that being a parent is the steepest learner curve that anyone has in life. My advice applies to any parent. You have to make time for you. I went to university so had a ready made social life before me at the point that I became a single parent but it has to be said that I had to go out there and make a social life too, unfortunately it doesn't come to you, and sometimes as a parent one wonders if it is worth it by the time one has organised everything but it is. Having some time to oneself gives one the chance to return to the fold with a fresher perspective particularly after a bad day. It also gives your child a broader experience of life. I think children often need a break from their parents as much as their parents need a break from them.

As far as getting a social life is concerned you have to ask yourself what you want from it. Are you ready to date again? Are you looking for female friendship perhaps from women in similar situations as yourself, or are you hoping to expand your mind or develop your employment opportunities? These things do not exclude each other but in answering these sort of questions you will get a better understanding of what it is you want from a social life and it will be easier to evaluate where you go from here. Good luck and keep posting.

[Winnie]

forgot to say one of the best ways to have an ongoing social life is to take baby with you or stay even stay in. Have a girly night with a video, bottle of wine etc. Or a Body Shop party perhaps. Invite friends for supper/lunch etc. If you can't afford to feed everyone hold a 'pot party' (which is not what you think)...it's very seventies but it works and friends like doing it. Everyone brings a contribution simply agree on a theme i.e Thai/Indian/Moroccan etc or who does main course/dessert/wine and great times can be had by all without the stress levels that can go with organising a dinner party when you have enough to do with the baby.

[outofpractice]

I searched and found this old topic and wondered if any contributors are still around, and what happened to you. I am 29, one ds aged 3, and so very broody. I have a wonderful time with ds and feel that I just don't know what to do with the excess love in my heart. I could easily afford the expenses of another child now as I have got a good job, and ds keeps asking me for a brother or sister. I have met / phoned a series of nutters through 3 dating agencies, none of whom I could bear to start a relationship with. I don't think I am being too fussy, because in each case they were really rude, eg told me to my face that I was too old for them, or that they were looking for someone without a ds, or made racist remarks, or weird, eg having philosophical objection to going to the theatre, or never had a job because of some mysterious illness he claims to have but has never been diagnosed, or refusing to fix a time to meet (but asking me to wait in a particular place till he calls) but then keeping on phoning me after I had said I did not want to hear from him again. I have also gone along to 3 sports clubs and 3 other social welfare / charity societies to try and meet people. I met lots of super rich yuppies at the sports clubs who sneered at me when they heard I had a ds, and at the other societies I met various really lovely, kind, charming OAPs. I still do one sport out of my own interest, and go to one of the societies. I have also gone on blind dates with friends of friends, but 2 times when I really liked the guy, he was working permanently in another continent, so nothing happened. I have even tried flirting indiscriminately at work, just to see who would respond, but no one does who is single. But as for doing it alone - useless and crap as ds's absent father is, once upon a time I used to love him very much, and I thought we were going to raise our baby together. I can't imagine having a stranger's baby. What shall I do?

[mammya]

I don't have any advice I'm afraid Outofpractice but can sympathise as I am in a similar situation (on my onw with 2 year old dd though not broody) and sometimes wonder if i'll ever meet someone nice again. Where are they all? There must be some somewhere...

[Clarinet60]

You're only 29 and ds is only 3. I'd give it another year or so, then go for it. I don't know about the mechanics of finding someone, but I'd definitely recommend trying for a sibling, especially since you two just have each other. Hope someone else can be of more help.

[outofpractice]

Droile, Thanks for your encouragement. I have been thinking about moving house this year to somewhere bigger, that our routine could change as ds will go to school in 2004, and I would get a better car, and that we could move further away from the shops because I could afford to have groceries delivered all the time. Suddenly, I was thinking, why am I setting up this luxury lifestyle for one mother and one child, when what I actually want is a bigger family, not a fancier lifestyle. I think I will give it one more year of crappy dating, and make sure that I tell my Mum and Dad too, to give them some time to get over their shock and horror! But how to do it alone? Has anyone ever just asked an attractive man to oblige them in that way? How did you find him? How did you avoid falling in love with him?

[mammya]

how about artificial insemination, would you consider that?

[outofpractice]

For me, it would really be the total last resort, which I don't think I could face, which is why I opened the topic really, to see if someone had another solution. I really want to have another baby with someone I love, or, failing that, at least someone I find attractive physically. I know AID is very common in infertility cases, but I think it is against all our instincts for you not to fancy the man, if you don't have a fertility problem. I feel that I had such bad taste in picking my crappy ex as my partner, but at least my primitive instincts were good, in that I now have a very healthy handsome clever ds.

[mammya]

how about AID but with a male friend? A gay male friend, perhaps? A bit extreme I know... Maybe you'be better off waiting a couple of years, as Droile said.

[Clarinet60]

May be controversial, but I'd probably try the gay male friend route. I've had gay friends who'd make fantastic dads, but perhaps you would rather the father stayed out of the picture altogether. I suppose they might become possessive.

[jayc]

I had a baby with an ex(a very ex, we'd been apart for over 7 years). Our daughter is 3 now. We've certainly had very difficult periods and some hard realities which we didn't foresee. I now have a partner and that was very painful for dd's father. There has been emotional turmoil and I'm sure its not done yet. And we are getting to the period when we have to answer our daughter's heartfelt questioning. But she is a wonderful thing in both our lives and we're both extremely thankful that we have her. The most dramatic and best decision I've ever made.
I was older though when I made the decision to go it alone - as others have said at 29 you have some time.