Why do I still want to argue?

[SpringleDingle]

The ex has been in touch again. Always a “genuine” reason but somehow always ends with him saying something that makes me want to argue…. Normally about how unreasonable I was or how I hurt him (but without really admitting he ever had feelings).

When I don’t hear from him I’m fine. Have started dating and met a great new guy. Why does it irritate me so much when he claims his bullshitty version of what happened? Why do I want to point out that I wasn’t unreasonable HE was a complete headfuck commitment-phobe? I wouldn’t go back now if you paid me. A sexless relationship which consisted of him browsing his phone all the time and repeatedly telling me he didn’t want to marry me or live with me. I just find this rewriting of the past SO annoying.

So far I have avoided arguing but tonight it has bugged me again. This time by watts app after I blocked texts. Looks like I may have to block wattsapp too 🙄. We are just too old for this bollocks!

Why haven’t you already blocked him on everything?

Just block him. How long have you been split up? Does the new guy know you’re still talking to your ex? It sounds like you’re not really over him if you feel compelled to engage with him, you’re both playing a game and staying in each others lives.

If you really don’t care about him, about winning or caring what he thinks, then you never need to speak to him again.

I was like this with my abusive ex for a long time. I didn't want to get back with him. I came to the conclusion I just wanted him to show a bit of remorse for how he treated me. I wouldn't contact him he'd always contact me. Which was why I'd get drawn into trying to explaining things and him not caring and me getting upset and him getting angry I was upset....they also have years of experience to know where to hit your sore spot.

He obviously didn't show any remorse and everything was and is all my fault. You are totally better off blocking him.

Block him, it doesn't sound like you're over him at all

Just be sarcastic OP

Next time he messages can you just respond "oh no not you again what now?" Something like that.

Or "yeah yeah I know everything all the time was always solely my fault. This got boring a long time ago"

If he doesn't get any attention he enjoys from you he will stop

Definitely block and leave blocked for good.

If you can't do that for some reason, or if he finds another way of contacting you, ideally just ignore.

If you feel the need to respond, I like @frozendaisy suggestions.

Or say 'we both know who was to blame, and it wasn't me. And every time you bring it up you remind me that I made the right call.'

Then if he gets in touch again just say 'thanks for the reminder'

Or better still, as above ignore ignore ignore. You know the truth. Whether or not he agrees is irrelevant.

Why does it irritate me so much when he claims his bullshitty version of what happened

If you are still bothered in your own mind about his opinion, then maybe there is something to unpack.

At some point you will find your self not caring about his opinion. Try thinking 'yeah, right' or 'how he does run on' in a fake southern accent (in your head).

Why do you care? That's the question?

Do you share kids? If not, just block him.

Block or Thumbs up to everything he says, I mean everything, no words. He ll hate it and fuck off soon enough.

I think these type of arguments spring from long held defended positions by both partners.
The second one partner triggers the defence alert in the other, an argument starts. Doesn’t matter what you’re actually arguing about in these type of arguments, they become about defending your point of view about who is right and who is wrong, just like the long defended stance of who was to blame for the deterioration and ending of the relationship. Honestly, the content of the argument is rarely what’s actually being fought over. It’s why a simple argument over whose turn it is to put the bins out ends up with nobody speaking to each other any more and silent seething. Of course bins don’t cause that kind of resentment. A piled up belief about who does most around the house and who thinks who is lazy or put upon. The bins were the trigger, the real fight is about something else.

It’s almost as if conceding anything, or admitting to any kind of accusation might therefore also mean you were wrong in their eyes about other stuff. So both partners get entrenched and will not admit to being wrong about anything any more. Because that’s what they’re actually saying, no matter what it is that started it: “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
If neither of you ever drop your defended positions this loop will keep on going. But yup, it’s really bloody hard to drop it when somebody else just won’t.

I’d keep contact to the bare minimum necessary, and ask that you only talk about the thing you need to sort out or arrange, nothing else. Anything accusatory or inflammatory and you remind him you will only talk about what needs doing, and his arguing will mean the conversation is over until he is able to just discuss what needs sorting out. If he continues, politely end the call or meeting. If you don’t need contact with him any more, then just block him and move on. It’s doubtful he’ll ever see it any differently.

Thanks guys, it's always good to hear some other opinions.
I took on board the comment about the new guy not knowing I still had any contact with the ex so I came clean on that front (very casually but I feel better not to be hiding anything). I have a shared asset with the ex which means needing to keep minimal contact lines open and had already blocked text and calls and was down to Wattsapp messages only. Have now archived and muted those and will check once a week in case there is news of the sale of the vehicle. Once that is done I will block for good.

I'll also stop being polite. I was being suckered in by answering question 1 (always a sensible'ish business-like question) followed by feeling it was rude to not answer the second question or two which were more casually friendly and then the guilt trippy stuff would start. I haven't answered any of that for weeks but now I'm not going to respond to the stage 2 polite casual stuff either as it is obvious just a way of pulling me back in to re-start the silly rows. I just need to keep my zen head on.