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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship with mum. At the end of my rope!

20 replies

sugaryouth1 · 23/02/2023 17:25

I've name changed.

I'm going to post everything and then I might feel better and I won't feel like I've missed anything

My mum is hard work. Me and my brother were taken off her when we were 12 and 14. I am the eldest. She split with my dad and married an alcoholic. She always liked a drink but marrying this man gave her the go ahead almost to go crazy. He used to beat me and my brother and we were put into care. He went to live with my dad. I refused to go because I was a teenager and I suppose i blamed him for leaving us. He didn't know and now as I'm older I don't feel angry at him. He's honestly amazing.
Me and my mum spoke on and off as I grew up. She got kicked out of my wedding which I only invited her to as my family told me I'd regret not. She got drunk, kicked off and then kicked out. I don't know how much she's drinking. I don't know if she's drinking anymore
I didn't speak to her for almost 2 year after this. When I fell pregnant I let her know and we slowly began talking.
I have a daughter. She's 2. My mum came around after she was born playing the proud grandmother. Posing for photos with the baby. As my daughter has grown she isn't interested and I couldn't tell you when she last saw her. That's fine by me.
I have never and never will let my daughter see the man she married.

The main issue now is money. She asks for money daily. I assume its for drink. She's nasty. She sends nasty manipulative texts about how she's going to be evicted. How she hasn't eaten for days. It just goes on and on. She doesn't work. I couldn't tell you what she does with her money. I don't really care.

I suppose the question here is do I just go fuck it and block her? I know I probably should. The reality is I don't love her. I look at my daughter and without sending big headed I'm the sun and the moon to her. I just pity mine.
Am I totally wrong? I just need to talk to someone on the outside almost.
My husband is firmly in camp block her..my dad is in don't do it if you'll regret it. My brother is in I've already blocked her, move on. I pity her mostly.

OP posts:
Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 23/02/2023 17:29

The line 'I don't know if she's drinking anymore' should be I don't know if she's drinking anymore than she used to or even what she's drinking

OP posts:
Radiatorvalves · 23/02/2023 17:35

She sounds dreadful. I’d block and tell her you want nothing to do with her while she’s drinking. I guess that’s unlikely to change.

tothelefttotheleft · 23/02/2023 17:47

@sugaryouth1

Have you been giving her money?

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 23/02/2023 17:48

@tothelefttotheleft not since I was 18. I'm now 28. I thought when I was younger I could buy her love and affection so I gave her pretty much every penny I had from my job. I met my now husband when I was 18 and he helped me stop. So long answer but no not for 10 years.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 23/02/2023 17:51

my dad is in don't do it if you'll regret it

IF being the operative word. Your family told you you would regret not inviting her to your wedding and look what happened. Trust your own judgement.

Does she bring anything positive to your life at all? If the answer to that is no it would tell me all I needed to know to make the decision.

Does she only ever contact you asking for money? If the answer to that is yes it would tell me all I needed to know to make the decision.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 23/02/2023 17:58

@Dodecaheidyin she only ever contacts me for money or to ask me for my address. She doesn't know where I live..just the vague area. When we moved my husband insisted on it as she used to show up on our flat screaming abuse. He said when we moved that as we wanted children that he couldn't have her showing up doing this. I agreed. I feel sorry for her. And I know I shouldn't. Even as I'm typing this I feel like I'm staring the most obvious answer in my face. I regret having her at my wedding..I've never looked at my wedding photos because it reminds me of her being there.

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 23/02/2023 18:05

It sounds like you know what you need to do @sugaryouth1 but you just need to make peace with your decision Flowers

InstagramBitchWife · 23/02/2023 18:13

Block her.

Nanna60 · 23/02/2023 18:14

Hi lt sounds awful.
Your Mum asks you for Money don’t give it her.
it sounds like she is drinking.
Tell your Mum if she doesn’t get help then you won’t see her.
she has put you through hell and enough is enough.
You want your Mum to be A Mum
if she doesn’t Change then so be it

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 23/02/2023 18:15

Block her. Never regretted going nc with my parents.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 23/02/2023 18:23

I think you know what you're going to do and luckily it sounds you have a wonderful husband and supportive dad and brother who will help you find the strength x

smileladiesplease · 23/02/2023 18:30

Block her and move on with your happy life.

She's had chance after chance snd if she won't stop drinking you have no choice for yourself your dh and your children.

Look at it this way if you give her money you are enabling her to drink.

Do what you know you have to do. Your dh sounds lovely

Roselilly36 · 23/02/2023 18:33

Don’t keep putting yourself through it OP, focus on your life. Your mum is very unlikely to change it sad, but you need to accept that and move on. I am nc with my mum after many years of abuse. Best thing ever, no regrets at all life is much easier now.

Original poster
sugaryouth1 · 23/02/2023 18:33

I wouldn't be where I am now without my husband. He's my rock. I always feel like I have to protect her. Like our rolls have been swapped. I need to find the courage to block her. I think I already knew this before posting. I just needed some outside perspective

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 23/02/2023 18:40

This is the second time today I've posted advising someone to check out Al-Anon, for families of alcoholics.

You've been through some awful shit OP and now have a family you have chosen. It's okay to cut out harmful influences to protect that family unit.

Your mum is sick. It's not her fault she's an alcoholic, but it IS her responsibility. She's doing nothing to get sober and she does not care about you, your DH or your baby. Protect yourselves and block her.

WoofWoofBeachLife · 23/02/2023 18:43

Block her and never look back. She will drain every last piece of happiness from you and your family. You won't regret it. I've been nc with my family for years now and will never invite contact or make it. Don't dwell on it, just be strong and do it. She's already affecting you and you don't see her or speak to her. Xx

LillyBugg · 23/02/2023 19:27

Block her. Honestly what does she bring to your life? You can choose the people in your life, family or not. You don't need to choose her.

Mummybearto3bg · 23/02/2023 19:28

The title "mum" isn't enough reason to let her keep ruining your life. Block and move on, I've done the same thing, 6 months later I'm so much happier

frazzledasarock · 23/02/2023 19:33

Does she bring any positive to your life?

block her on everything and get counselling for yourself.

BounceyB · 23/02/2023 19:35

You wouldn't even know this woman if she wasn't related to you. She sounds really nasty and manipulative.

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