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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Suggestive whispering whilst I am half asleep

13 replies

Saorsa12 · 23/02/2023 16:42

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and I found out he had been messaging someone without my knowledge … apparently this was innocent and ‘nothing was going on’ but he was enjoying chatting to them - the fact I did not know this person (Woman) nor had he ever mentioned them before really upset me. He said this would not happen again.

A year or so later I found out he was … yes you have guessed it, messaging someone else. Again, it was completely innocent and he said he would not do it again.

I was lay in bed last night and had woken up between sleep cycles as you do and I heard him whisper the first woman’s name. Three times! I did not dare to say anything because I would have been accused of being ‘mental’. I would have been in trouble because he was obviously having an affair with her if he had mentioned her name in his sleep. (He wasn’t sleeping … after the third time of naming this woman he coughed, and it wasn’t a sleep cough)

I have spent the day being sick with anxiety. Did this happen, I keep asking myself … yet I know it did. I am overthinking and I dare not mention this to him tonight as I am kind of worried he is looking at a way to get rid of me, but because I am ill he is staying with me out of pity.

Is this sort of suggestive whispering to make me go mad?? Because I can tell you something, it’s working.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 23/02/2023 16:46

He's got no respect for you. Does he often accuse you of being 'mental'?

workshy46 · 23/02/2023 16:49

Why would you want to stay with someone who was cheating on you ?

Watchkeys · 23/02/2023 16:54

If you suspect that your partner is doing things to make you go mad, you leave. It doesn't matter if you're right or wrong, the trust has gone, the good faith in him has gone. Something instinctive in you is telling you that something isn't right, and it could be that he's up to something, or it could be that he's done things in the past that make you suspicious that he might do something.

You're not mad. Staying in a relationship where you feel you might be mad is mad, though.

GinBlossom94 · 23/02/2023 16:55

Did you post this last week? Swear I read that before on here

Justcallmebebes · 23/02/2023 16:59

Why would he be whispering someone else's name in bed next to you if he was wide awake? Sorry, not to minimise, but I truly don't understand that

Bamboo4 · 23/02/2023 17:02

I'm sorry you are going through a turbulent time in your relationship, I can understand how unsettling and upsetting this might be for you.

There are a number of issues. The fact that he is your partner and so I assume unmarried makes me wonder what you mean by get rid of you because you are ill? He has no legal obligations to look after you. Are you worried about your housing? I hope it was a turn of phrase and not literally plotting your disposal.

The second thing that you know of is that he broke his promise of not speaking to another woman. He claims it was innocent but it sounds like you're not confident of this.

I'm not sure I fully understand what suggestive whispering means. Was he sexually moaning her name? Was he on the phone or recording himself to her? Was he masturbating and if so was it in the same room or had he made some effort of privacy?

In all events, if you can't leave don't confront him and work on being in a position to leave if this is what you want because he will not change and the best thing is to focus on your options because he is just not going to be faithful to you, ever. This is who he is, believe him and make the best choice for yourself. Some women stay because it financially makes sense but the exchange price of self esteem and self worth erosion as well as wasted life years and the ensuing bitterness and resentment is not to be underestimated and that is assuming he will be willing to stay and provide as you aren't married he can pull the rug from your feet at any time.

Bamboo4 · 23/02/2023 17:04

Yes it's not clear whether he was genuinely sleeping or masturbating and awake or what.

Theunamedcat · 23/02/2023 17:06

Get a sleep app they record what's going on in your room don't tell him

Your right it is so he can call you mental just imagine the conversation did you say x? No? Why would I say that your imagining things! Then in conversation with someone can you believe what she is accusing me of now! Etc (extreme but not unheard of example)

Saorsa12 · 23/02/2023 17:17

No, never posted before.

OP posts:
Saorsa12 · 23/02/2023 17:21

It was just a loud whisper of a name. Not sexual. Just the name.
I am married but do not work through illness.
You talk sense.

OP posts:
GinBlossom94 · 23/02/2023 17:22

@Saorsa12 just seemed really familiar with the writing style too, apologies

Honestly I'd be leaving him, life's too short for no trust and him playing games

DosCervezas · 23/02/2023 19:53

Theunamedcat · 23/02/2023 17:06

Get a sleep app they record what's going on in your room don't tell him

Your right it is so he can call you mental just imagine the conversation did you say x? No? Why would I say that your imagining things! Then in conversation with someone can you believe what she is accusing me of now! Etc (extreme but not unheard of example)

A relationship has no future if it's got to the point of even considering sound or camera surveillance in any form on your partner.

altmember · 23/02/2023 23:58

So he's not allowed to communicate with anyone without telling you about them first? He's told you it was innocent conversation, but you've chosen to disbelieve him?

People babble in their sleep, say all sorts of weird things. Could be completely innocent or she could be his affair partner. Nothing you've said suggests he's done anything wrong, other than disobeyed your order not to message anyone without your prior permission.

Is this a massive dripfeed? Is there some other reason why you don't trust him?

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