I’m conscious that another post has come recently about a couple dynamic, told from the male perspective. This is long (to avoid drip feed) and similar in small ways but different in many others but parts of it touched me and made me think. I’m also OK with, and expecting, to be told you made your bed so lie in it. My ‘question’ is whether, having behaved so badly I have any right to want to leave my wife, even though our relationship is sometimes very toxic. At an occy health meeting recently, called due to my low mood and high anxiety at work, I was asked, quite simply, “Why are you both still married? Surely you'd both be happier out of this toxic relationship?"
I have posted elsewhere about my awful past behaviours and desire to end my marriage. In a nutshell, I was/am a ‘nice guy’ who may be a covert narcissist. Certainly I cannot keep any sense of self worth except by external validation. I had an emotional affair when with my first wife and bouts of limerence. Then a second emotional affair that meant I left my wife and children for my current wife. She left her husband and children although we saw a lot of them due to her ex’s work patterns. We moved in quickly, literally from our marital homes and ‘blended’ the children immediately as well. Just awful stuff.
The children are adults now, one at least badly damaged by their pasts, and we have none of our own.
From the get go my wife was very jealous, demanding my phone and questioning any contact I had with my ex wife, hating me dropping off or collecting children if she wasn’t with me. She also insisted on attending events for the children that their mum was present at. I was quite pathetic and did nothing to prevent this even though it was shit behaviour. My default is to hide from confrontation, I have/had a very compartmentalised and dissociative way of being – it’s how I managed my mother’s alcoholism and switch into drunken ranting and my father’s belief he was perfect and his contempt for his weak son. Go to my room, lose myself in a book, dissociate (or self harm). My wife’s default is to fight, use sarcasm and mockery and insults when she feels disrespected or unseen – although she can contain it in work, it comes out with family and me. Her childhood was worse than mine. Physical abuse and emotional neglect.
When we rowed and shouted about the children, jealousy, whatever, I would usually try to leave, my wife would block the doorway or grab me. I put hands to her throat once many years ago during one of these but usually I left the house, often in the car. Then I'd come home and we sort of pretended it never happened. I never behaved like that with my first wife, but then we rarely rowed when we disagreed. My current wife triggers my urge to flee, I seem to trigger her urge to fight.
Where we are now is in a marriage that was sexless and lacking intimacy for some years until just over a year ago. I asked for us to separate and my wife agreed it was the right move. It became clear that we would have to sell the house and rent and we moved to reconciliation, her not wanting to lose the modest lifestyle we have and my guilt about making that happen, although I was happy for us to use a mediator to ensure she got what was right (pensions and so on) and for me to pay her monthly so our incomes post split 'matched’. But reconciliation still had some awful days. My wife called the Police as I said I wouldn’t leave the home. This was after she had verbally attacked me for an hour, called me a cunt, said I’d promised her the world and given her nothing and much more. I think the trigger was not holding her hand in front of someone to show them we were back together. I had made her unseen and disrespected. A similar event was her opening the car door on the motorway after saying I was laughing at her after a row had escalated. She said if said something I thought I hadn't. I have no idea of the objective truth of it, maybe I did, may she thought I did. I was crying as we drove but I believe she heard laughter as that's what she said before opening the door, that I was laughing at her.
But parts of reconciliation were good, we resumed intimacy although that only lasted a month or so until I moved back to the bedroom, my wife then telling me sex was boring and uncomfortable and I control it. I get told that a lot about all aspects of things and it is true in part but then I am expected to know what she wants – I have been told often variations on “When someone loves someone they will know what they want without having to be told”. I can’t challenge this because if I say “Do you know what I want in that way” then I’m making it all about me again and deflecting her valid criticism. I admit I’m self-centred and exist somewhat in a world of “I” not “us”. I have also done some really shitty things – I kissed a friend when very drunk. I confessed next day and ended all contact with that person. It was years ago but I am righty reminded of it and for my wife it still feels like yesterday. I’m occasionally asked to recall what I remember and questioned as to whether it was more than a kiss if I was too drunk to have clear recall. It was "only"a kiss, I'm certain of that, but still cheating.
We had marriage counselling. The assessor said we were both abusive and needed specialist help. And then passed us for joint counselling. I rather agreed with the abuse label, I certainly think I need to never have another relationship and be very careful in friendships because of what I am. My wife said in counselling that she didn't see a need to change apart from being a bit less lazy. I do all the housework, all the budgeting, organise trips, holidays etc, my wife shops and cooks several days a week but spends most of her time on the sofa with TV and the dog- which I appreciate reads as 'poor me'. She says she lets me do it all because if she does it, I’ll complain about how it is done. Some truth in that I think, although I get really confused when she says things like “you control all the money” and when I say then let me get all the bank aps on your phone and here’s the link to the budget spreadsheet she then says “I don’t want to bother with any of that”.
Marriage counselling ended. I thought it might help but my wife said it was Ok when we talked about what I’d done wrong but she felt attacked if the counsellor questioned her about any behaviour or was “taking my side”.
So here we are. My wife said in counselling that living with me was mainly miserable with some good bits but life without me would be worse due to her having to give up her house and creature comforts. She says she'd never meet anyone else and needs a person to be hers. We are both 50s. I think life for me would be better if we separated (I could spend my money on therapy to be a better person for a start) but what right do I have to prioritise my happiness over someone else’s?