Men and early days dating, being arses.

Cokacola74 · 2023-02-23T13:18:19+00:00

Is it just me, or has anyone noticed a pattern with men in dating / boyfriends? That they f*** up in the early days, play around a bit behind your back and it takes you threatening to leave for them to get their acts together and treat you with respect? Not sure if it's just the choice of men I'm going for or men in general... Also a couple of friends of mine have husbands who were total 'lads' when they first got together. Went on those types of lads holidays and wouldn't put it past them that they didn't play it straight... massive flirters etc. But over time have matured into really cool husbands that seem deeply devoted. But it's almost like they've had to learn how to be respectful through boundary setting etc from their partners... Is it just me, or do men have a teething period getting into commitments and knowing how to respect a woman ...

cloudypink · 23/02/2023 13:21

Funny you post this as I was only thinking about this a week or so ago. I'm with you that men tend to F up on the early stages. My partner was the same when we first got together. It took for me to threaten to leave him and now he's honestly amazing and now expecting a baby together.
I've questioned him about his mistakes that he made early in the relationship and he cant really answer but he says maybe he didn't think the relationship was as serious as what I thought maybe 🤔

BreviloquentBastard · 23/02/2023 13:22

Er, no. No I would say that's not normal. Saying that I'd never date someone who didn't respect me from the get go. If you have to threaten to leave someone to gain their "respect", it's not actually respect that you've gained.

And they're probably still behaving like twats, just hiding it better.

BatildaB · 23/02/2023 13:27

No, I would say that any bad behaviours tend to re-emerge or escalate, even if they can be hidden for a while. Especially likely to emerge once you’re tied in somehow, like an engagement, pregnancy, or shared house.

Original poster

Cokacola74 · 23/02/2023 13:28

@cloudypink thanks for your response. It's funny you say he's gone on to be an amazing partner. My first bf cheated very early on in the relationship and was desperate for me not to leave him. I didn't and in time we had the most amazing relationship.
Same thing has kinda happened with current bf. He didn't cheat but let's just say there was a massive womaniser red flag that I called him out on and ended the relationship about. He was distraught and massively stepped up to the plate since then and we're doing great now.
It's almost like the get away with what they can get away with until you call them out on their crap and go to walk away..

OP posts:

BatildaB · 23/02/2023 13:28

Oh, unless your friends are young enough that they met as teens or early 20s and have grown up to have fully matured frontal lobes while together.

Opentooffers · 23/02/2023 14:36

Can't identify. If I felt I had to set out obvious boundaries from the get go they'd be an ex quickly. If they cheat during the 'honeymoon phase', they are not going to be loyal when it's worn off.

YouAreNotBatman · 23/02/2023 14:47

I don’t think you’re wrong at all.

I’ve seen and heard even more women say how they pretty much raised their boyfriends, you know, teaching them to adult, babysitting them.

Why anyone woulf want to do that is beyond me, but these women seem to pretty proud of their achievements.

Im99912 · 23/02/2023 15:03

Nah they have just learnt to hide it better and not leave evidence on phones and stuff
my sister used to work in a very male based workplace and loads of “ happily married -in serious relationships men had a burner phone that they kept in the office

leopards don’t and can’t change their spots
they just learn to camouflage themselves to get to their prey 😂

Zanatdy · 23/02/2023 15:03

Well I’m mid 40’s so maybe different but no I wouldn’t put up with it and I’d walk not give a 2nd chance

ArcticSkewer · 23/02/2023 15:06

agree with @Im99912
They just get better at managing it, learn how to play devoted partner whilst playing away. Giving them boundaries just shows them the lines they have to pretend they are not crossing. It makes it easier for them.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 23/02/2023 15:11

I'd imagine these are the same men who don't do any housework later down the line and think childcare is the woman's job, and who then give a good rendition of "the script" when they are caught cheating.
It's a trajectory.
I don't think these sort of men really change, they just mask their shit until they've trapped a woman into having his kids.

Ladyofthesea · 23/02/2023 15:20

I think that those are the same men that had me (then a secretary) be the cover story for them while they were cheating. You know, business dinner, team building exercise two hours away, meeting running late, that kind of stuff. Some literally told me about their affair partner, in two cases I met the affair partners and in other cases it was obvious why they needed covering. This was all while working for the same department, not me job hopping. I did have the reputation of being discreet and trustworthy (and I was). Many men, if they get the chance, won't say no to an affair. I certainly wasn't going to walk away from a nice job for them, that's why I went along.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 23/02/2023 15:34

Are you talking about couples who've been together 20 or 30 years, or couples who've been together 4 or 5 years or less?

I never threatened to leave my early relationships - I just left. Once I'd left it was permanent and I didn't want any further contact beyond politeness if necessary.

I always said, and say to younger relatives, colleagues and friends, that the first couple of years in a good relationship is the honeymoon period - if your partner treats you with disrespect then, there's nothing to "work on" - leave and find someone who'll be delighted and amazed to be with you and treat you with respect.

Problems might and probably will show up at some point- often when the first baby is born or a little later if you have a second close together, which can be the point the mother realises she's been automatically doing 90% plus went back to work quite quickly, but now with a baby and toddler something has to give - then you can and (as long as they're not big things like cheating or big betrayals like blowing your joint savings) probably should work through them, and then things should be good again.

If you have to work hard to force a boyfriend (and I would give my sons the same advice about girlfriends) to treat you with respect in the first two years I think that relationship should be binned. I don't believe it'll work out long term, just that the "partner" might be on their best behaviour for a couple of years until leaving becomes complicated and frightening because of becoming financially entwined and having joint children.

Lpc3 · 23/02/2023 16:03

I would say it really just shows that lots of women have terribly low standards when it comes to male behaviour.

Sisisimone · 23/02/2023 16:09

Can't believe what I'm reading actually. They're not going to change just because you threatened to leave, they'll just hide it better only for the real them to rear its ugly head when you've wasted more years on them. Find some self-respect!

GreyCarpet · 23/02/2023 17:18

Sadly, I think you might have a point.

I also, and I might get flamed for this, but I also think that many women just tolerate and out up with crap behaviour and being disregarded or disrespected so that, even men who have long and positive relationship experience, still don't know how to behave 🤷🏻‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 23/02/2023 17:21

As in, I think some men genuinely haven't considered that some behaviours are unacceptable because their exes said nothing.

I remember when I was about 18 dating a beautiful man. He went off one evening and flirted with other women. He told me that I had nothing to worry about because it was me he was going home with.

I said I didn't think so and dumped him.

Yet I read messages on here from women twice the age I was then asking if that sort of behaviour is OK!

TomatoSandwiches · 23/02/2023 17:23

Sorry but no, however I wouldn't entertain starting a relationship let alone remaining with someone who acted like this anyway.

GreyCarpet · 23/02/2023 17:25

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 23/02/2023 15:34

Are you talking about couples who've been together 20 or 30 years, or couples who've been together 4 or 5 years or less?

I never threatened to leave my early relationships - I just left. Once I'd left it was permanent and I didn't want any further contact beyond politeness if necessary.

I always said, and say to younger relatives, colleagues and friends, that the first couple of years in a good relationship is the honeymoon period - if your partner treats you with disrespect then, there's nothing to "work on" - leave and find someone who'll be delighted and amazed to be with you and treat you with respect.

Problems might and probably will show up at some point- often when the first baby is born or a little later if you have a second close together, which can be the point the mother realises she's been automatically doing 90% plus went back to work quite quickly, but now with a baby and toddler something has to give - then you can and (as long as they're not big things like cheating or big betrayals like blowing your joint savings) probably should work through them, and then things should be good again.

If you have to work hard to force a boyfriend (and I would give my sons the same advice about girlfriends) to treat you with respect in the first two years I think that relationship should be binned. I don't believe it'll work out long term, just that the "partner" might be on their best behaviour for a couple of years until leaving becomes complicated and frightening because of becoming financially entwined and having joint children.

Totally agree.

How many threads on here are started by women talking about their utterly shit relationships who appear to feel a sense of virtue that they overlooked, or overcame or just worked through utter disrespect at the start?

Don't threaten to leave them if... just dump them.

LosingMyPancakes · 23/02/2023 17:29

TomatoSandwiches · 23/02/2023 17:23

Sorry but no, however I wouldn't entertain starting a relationship let alone remaining with someone who acted like this anyway.

Exactly - the blokes I know who could fit the description of 'lad' and enjoy going away on piss ups with their mates are not good partners or fathers.

ChinoiserieNerd · 23/02/2023 17:32

Opentooffers · 23/02/2023 14:36

Can't identify. If I felt I had to set out obvious boundaries from the get go they'd be an ex quickly. If they cheat during the 'honeymoon phase', they are not going to be loyal when it's worn off.

I couldn't agree more! Just sounds like a terrible taste in men and low standards problem. Having to train bad behaviours out of a new partner also seems really off-putting, bit like dating a dog. Urgh.