Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Can you love someone but want to be single?

19 replies

ReginaPhalange816 · 23/02/2023 11:43

Regular reader, changed username

I'm in a relationship. My first since the end of my marriage which was messy. I'm 27, so still young, and have a 3 year old DD. We rent, but the house is in my name, I have my own car, I'm financially dependant and do well. My partner lives with us and contributes half of the bills but isn't on the tenancy. Has his own car and money etc. I feel this info is relevant to show that although we live together, we do not depend on one another.

In the time I was single, I was on top of the world. Enjoyed raising my DD alone (sparse contact with her dad, his choice) and we had a great time together and with my friends and family. New partner came out of the blue and things moved quite quickly but mutually, so no pressure either side but things felt right. I do love him. He's great, very hands on in the house and with DD, she adores him. But I'm just not content. I have all of the pieces for a happy life, but I'm just not, and I think it's because I crave to be on my own again. I love him and love spending time with him and being in his company, but I think I loved being single more? Not to go and meet anyone, because I didn't, so it's not that I want to meet other men etc, I just preferred being on my own.

I'm not ready to hang in the towel, but does anyone have advice on how I move past these feelings and appreciate my DP being part of my life or do I need to move on? He knows how I feel, and I of course have told him I don't expect him to be okay with this and we're very open about it, but he wants to work on things to make me happy.
Sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:46

You’re very young, maybe you just don’t want to ‘settle down’ yet, particularly when you’ve been married before? It seems understandable to me. Some people prefer not to live with a partner, especially in their 20s.

Birdsmaking · 23/02/2023 11:47

Could you suggest you stay together but live apart?

ComtesseDeSpair · 23/02/2023 11:49

If you love him, would you consider “being together apart” as in, living in separate homes and spending time together as a family when it suits you both? It’s quite normal to struggle to or not want to live in the same house as somebody, and if it’s financially affordable it can often be the basis for a really good relationship where you have the best of both worlds.

Theres also nothing wrong with wanting to be single: it just seems that as you say you love him and enjoy being in his company, the problem might be more that you’re simply in his company too often.

Original poster

ReginaPhalange816 · 23/02/2023 11:54

Thanks everyone. Maybe, but I feel like I'd just end up seeing him most evenings so we may as well stay in the same house as we are now. And that's not what he wants, I know that much. But I suppose there are compromises to be made so it could be something to propose.

OP posts:

cloudypink · 23/02/2023 11:58

Sounds a bit selfish to me. Im in my 20s and live with my partner and neither of us would want to be apart. Sounds like maybe he's just not the one and if that's the case then end things now and don't leave him feeling as though something is wrong when it's just you that has the problem. (Not in a nasty way)

Original poster

ReginaPhalange816 · 23/02/2023 12:05

@cloudypink thank you. He knows how I'm feeling, I've always vowed to be open with him about everything so even when it's a difficult subject, we've both been entirely honest and open. I do love him, I just don't think I'm in the right place to be in a relationship. I'm not sure. It's a situation I've never been in before.

My exH was a narcissist and I had a trauma bond so after leaving and doing some work on myself/self care and boundaries, I'm now totally independent and no longer feel like I have to be with someone or depend on someone.

OP posts:

mewkins · 23/02/2023 14:14

I don't think it's selfish or odd. I am in a similar position to you albeit older and my children are also older. After getting out of a bad relationship it is a fairly normal feeling I think and it is also empowering when you realise that you can do things on your own. Not just because you have to but because it is enjoyable.

Would it work for you both if you lived separately and put boundaries in place to see each other for 2/3 nights a week?

Incognito2023 · 23/02/2023 14:43

Have a long think about what it is that you miss about being single… eg/ maybe you just need a bit more time alone in the house? Could you encourage your partner to go out once or twice per week, either to see family & friends or a new hobby or even to a pub or cinema…
I know he is entitled to be there (it is his home too) but could be a good compromise to give you a bit more space?

Incognito2023 · 23/02/2023 14:48

Or maybe you liked making decisions on your own without having to consider anyone else’s opinion?

or maybe leaving the washing up in the sink until the next day?
etc etc

Basically I think you need to understand what is driving your ‘craving to be on your own’ and then you can start to work out a solution. Either with our help, or with your DP

Incognito2023 · 23/02/2023 14:50

(Sorry, I keep posting too soon)

If you love each other and generally the relationship is good, then economically it makes sense to live together so I hope you can work it out

Pinkbonbon · 23/02/2023 15:06

Relationships come in all shapes and sizes.

Sounds like you'd rather have your own place.
Do you at least have your own bedroom?

Personally I wouldn't want to live with a man unless I at least knew I had a bedroom of my own to retreat to. And my own bathroom tbh.

I need my own space. And that'll never change. It doesn't mean I don't love who I'm with. Only that I love having places that are my own qnd that I can retreat to from time to time.

How about suggesting renting a place where you each have a bedroom or your own. Not so you always sleep apart. Just so you have a little private place to indulge your own hobbies and some of your free time.

LividNC · 23/02/2023 15:08

I think living apart is the best solution here.

Spottycarousel · 23/02/2023 16:37

I'm an introvert and couldn't entertain the idea of living with someone now. I also had a narcissist ex and have done a lot of healing work in therapy after leaving that marriage. It makes total sense to me that's the combination of a bad relationship and feeling that you don't need someone to be happy could leading you to crave a single life. Maybe you are a free spirit especially after being so abused. I don't think it's strange at all but you need to think carefully about what you need going forward.

whattodo1975 · 23/02/2023 16:42

Sounds like you moved him in way too soon.

If you would be happier being single then be single.

Eyerollcentral · 23/02/2023 16:43

You’ve moved in together too quickly. You are still q young, already divorced and have been a mum since you were 24. You haven’t had much time to enjoy just being by yourself. Now you are in another serious relationship where you live together. I would ask him to move out and just see each other at weekends and one or twice during the week. I mean he is likely to reject that, breaking up might be your best bet.

theleafandnotthetree · 23/02/2023 16:57

Well I am madly in love with someone and remain 'officially' single so its definitely possible and doesn't necessarily reflect depth of feeling. It's a bit complicated and I'm going lot older but I have a kind of a sort of a relationship with someone and there's great chemistry, connection, care etc BUT we both have very busy jobs, children whose lives we are very much immersed in, voluntary roles, friendships we want to maintain, households to run, pets, etc etc. So while we love each other and enjoy each other when we do meet- only occasionally- and have each others backs, there genuinely is no time or space in either case to have a conventional relationship. And I never want to live with someone again. The crucial thing is that we are on the same page more or less, but your chap is probably too young to give up on the more conventional 'family formation' type of relationship. It's much easier to create exactly the kind of relationship you want when you've already 'been there, done that' in terms of previous marriage, children etc. What does HE want? As always though, love is not enough, things have to 'work' and meet peoples basic relationship needs too. I hope you can work it out.

cassiatwenty · 23/02/2023 17:45

Yes!

cassiatwenty · 23/02/2023 17:51

Perhaps you can have a nice 5 day trip someplace nice and then see how you feel and report back? It doesn't have to be all or nothing, right now.

Original poster

ReginaPhalange816 · 23/02/2023 18:27

I just want to genuinely thank everyone for their advice. I thought I was going to be flamed.

I do think I need to investigate what it is that makes me want to be single. I suppose it is more of a want to be 'on my own' rather than single.

Financially I'm not sure we could afford two places and I couldn't kick him out, even though this is technically 'my' house.

We've just gotten back from 5 days abroad, just the two of us and it was lovely but I was ready for some space when we got back.

OP posts:

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread