How to be more self secure and assured? Low self esteem.

[Pseudonamed]

I have days where I sit back and know how wonderful my life is. Everything really is wonderful and then there are days when I feel so down in myself - feel I am failing at my job, failing at parenting, failing my partner. He has never once made me feel insecure about myself, quite the opposite in fact. Never once given me reason to think his head would be turned. What he signed up for when he met me was a strong and confident individual which I can be at times but other times like yesterday and today I just do not see what he sees in me. I think his exes are better than me and one day he will go back to one of them (he never even talks about them so this is all in my head) and I just feel like breaking up with him to save myself heartache. We even discussed it this morning and he made me feel better about myself but now he has gone out to work and the feelings of self loathing are back.

How can I fix this? I do not want to be this person.

Unfortunately I have no advice I’m sorry but I’m exactly the same.

You're not alone.

It is horrible to just not feel like you are enough. I felt so low last night I found even further depression at the end of a bottle. Even had to apologise to the kids this morning for drinking so much and on an empty stomach and being a crying mess. DP was not here to see it but he knew I was feeling low and did not mention it this morning bar asking how my head was. I just feel today I am an utter failure.

Where did this all start with you?. Were your parents emotionally available to you or was their attention and affection always conditional?.

i would consider contacting the BACP re a friend therapist

Sorry you feel this way, it's horrible to be in this place.
If your dp gives you no reason to feel insecure then the key here is that you are projecting onto him, from the root cause - what is the root cause? Have you been hurt in the past?
Whatever the root, that is what you must work on and heal from in order to stay as that confident and content version of yourself. Speaking from experience, my exH betrayed me and cheated a lot, but the key was not only staying single until I'd done the work on myself to understand and move forward, but also in my relationship now, I am very clear in my communication if I'm triggered - I make it known to my partner, I explain the trigger and I make it clear that I know it is not HIM that is making me insecure, it's often learned behaviour and responses that I had to develop to survive in my horrible marriage.
He provides me with another opportunity to show me he is consistent and trustworthy each time this may crop up. And I have to do the work to move forward and take the leaps of trust. Each time it gets a little easier because I understand myself and what causes responses that make me feel insecure. Self awareness is key.

NO I was raised by two narcissists who only thought of themselves and pitted their kids against each other so as this is the first truly healthy relationship I have ever been in I just sometimes feel inadequate and not worthy of the love and respect he gives me.

Your parents instilled this sense of self
loathing in you, after all you received the Special Training common to all those raised by such deplorably poor parents. I would consider reading “will I ever be good enough?” by Karyl McBride.

@prettygreenteacup thank you yes I have been cheated on (and beaten up) by two exes years ago. I stayed single for a long time and thought I was ok in myself but I do not appear to be. He is fantastic and talks me through it but that makes me feel worse as I want him to think of me as a confident woman and not some insecure twat.

Thank you @AttilaTheMeerkat I have just ordered that now on amazon.

Same as you @Pseudonamed 2 narc parents and 2 abusive exes (very odd how similar actually). I never realised the correlation of the childhood abuse and how I am in adult life.

Are you still in contact with your parents? I’m NC with 1 and LC with the other, that has helped me actually.

LC with both same as with my siblings. They finally turned me and one of my siblings totally against each other so NC with that one and LC with the others.

I just feel like growing up I was never taught to love myself and the relationships I subsequently got into were soul destroying but I did not know any different. I stayed single a LONG time and met dp some years ago and he is just the most wonderful person and I do not want to be like this. He doesnt deserve an insecure woman.

Hi Op
I can really relate to this kind of feeling,

@Idontknownemore

It's strange how a fucked up childhood can have such a effect decade's later on you in unexpected ways too,
its been for like at times like missing jigsaw pieces trying to figure them, and stumbling in the dark at times ect,
and accidently stumbling into quick sand, struggling to find a way out, and miraclously against the odd, finding a way out and achieving something worthwhile on journey,

I wish I had known this when I was a hello of a lot younger really,
So I could have seeked right kinds of Therapies sooner, to sort this out,

Thank you for starting this Op Thread @Pseudonamed

Yeah and I wonder now am I fucking up my kids lives being like this to begin with. I really do not want them to have to recover from their childhoods as adults like a lot of us seem to have to do.

Are you at the age of perimenopause OP?

So looking at your situation right now, thinking your DP could just up sticks and go back with an ex, what makes you think that is possible from the ex's side? Life just isn't that possible.

It ok to not be ok. It's ok for life to get you down from time to time. To have periods of lulls.

The other thing that might help is think of the absolute worse, DP ups and leaves. So work out a plan in your mind what you would do. Once you have that mental, totally keep it to yourself, plan you can get on with your real actual life knowing that you are deep down going to be ok if the worse happens.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Have a better evening today.

Oh @Pseudonamed - I wish I could give you a hug.
I've been where you are.
I'm slowly peeling the onion.
Peter Crone has some excellent podcasts on YouTube.
Also Gabor Mate addresses the drinking.
I was drinking to stop myself feeling, and it just creates a spiral.

You are important, valuable and special. The only person who needs to understand this is yourself.

I recommend the mindful self compassion work book by kirsten neff phd and christopher germer phd. Do the exercises. I took it slowly, one chapter per week, it helped.

Girls you really are the best thanks so much I appreciate all of your responses. Im feeling tired but thats more the hangover than anything. Im home totally alone this evening so going to have a bath and an early night once I eat x

I need to type this hear and repeat to myself every single time I get insecure that I have ZERO reason to be. He called me tonight worried about me. Hes so gentle and patient and understanding and he has not got a clue about half of what goes through in my head at all. If he did he would leave I am sure. If anyone could read my mind at times I would be sectioned but despite the fact he has done nothing wrong he still rang me to talk me through it and reassure me.

To a poster above yes I am menopausal age. I have had ups and downs in recent months and maybe I need to see a doctor. I had a therapist but the cost was eye watering on top of the rising cost of everything else. I know I have formed unhealthy relationships in the past due to my own past and really need to stop feeling insecure in this one as he has been around years now and still I question it. I dont question him per se but in my head I question things all of the time and he can sense it. Im a lucky woman. I need to learn to love myself the way he loves me.

Just to update but at the weekend even though he was with me every second I still had odd feelings. He tells me often how much I mean to him so it is definitely me that is the issue so first thing this morning I contacted a therapist and will be seeing on from next week.

I think that acceptance of what's actually made you feel this way is key here: it's not because there's something wrong with you. You were taken care of very poorly as a child, and that's where you learned how you're 'supposed' to be taken care of; lots of dismissal of your feelings, lots of disrespect towards you, lots of putting you down. That's what your parents showed you, and now you're an adult, you don't need your parents; you do all that stuff for yourself. So basically you're doing exactly what you were shown to do, and thinking that if you follow the rules, you should feel good.

Recognise that you can treat yourself differently. If you feel insecure, you call yourself a twat. Would you say that to anybody else who admitted they felt insecure? Can you see the cruelty in it? The unnecessary nastiness?

I remember talking to one of my friends years ago who did what I have just done on this thread and i pulled her up on it and said 'thats my best friend you are talking about and it is not acceptable'. I need to take my own advice I think.

Thank you for your message. It is crazy to think you can hit 40's and 50's, be a grown adult with loads of responsibilities and yet your internal child will never let go.

Your internal child isn't supposed to let go, any more than any other child is supposed to let go of their primary caregiver. You are supposed to welcome and nurture your inner child's feelings.

This misunderstanding may be the crux of where you're slipping up!

It could very well be!