Dating online when being into kink/bdsm

[Janese2]

Hello everyone,

I have been into bdsm my entire life and I’m really into some unusual stuff (not just light spanking - we are talking medical fetishes etc.). I have been dating only on fetlife for past 10 years, had two long term relationships, but for past 1-2years I have not had any luck. I want to try more common online dating like bumble/hinge, but I’m not sure how to go about my kinks. Should I mention that I’m “kink friendly” in my bio - I’m worried it will just attract guys who want sex, but nothing serious (not that regular profiles don’t have the same issue 😂). Or do you think I should try dating without mentioning kinks - hoping that most men will be somehow open minded… I’m approaching 35 and really want family life (but cannot give up my sexual desires completely)…

I really don’t think you have to worry about it this much.

I’d say so called ’vanillas’ (hate the term) have difficult time to date these days.
Soecially women who want to date men.
Men are very highly and deeply into all kinds of kinks and fetish stuff.

So, you probably going to find a lots of interested guys, very quickly.

Hi OP, I too am into kink/BDSM and met my now BF on Bumble. I never mentioned it in my bio but his stated he was "non vanilla" so I sent a casual message. We messaged/spoke for a good few weeks before bringing up any fetishes, and we were both clear that we were interested in something deeper than just sex.7 months in and we're going great. Good luck!

Not very into bdsm, but definitely non vanilla. Met DP via tinder, had the kink conversation date 3 😂

Have you considered trying OLD via something like Feeld?

I had on my Tinder/Bumble profile that I was looking for a relationship but sex was important to me and had “Shibari?” as the last bit. I met the same amount of awful men with a more vanilla bio as with that one, and met my lovely man on Tinder 2 1/2 years ago.
I also had a number of men who said stuff like “I’ve never tried anything like that but I’d give it a go” ha
good luck

If you have been on 'Fetlife', then you are familiar with the in's and outs..... So, why move to a vanilla site in the hope of netting yourself a guy, in the hope he shares what you seek? That is the point of Fetlife...
What you may more than likely snag is a guy who might do it for a laugh without any form of conviction or true understanding of what BDSM / Kink is.

There was an unfortunate case of a woman who was into BDSM dating a vanilla guy; she instructed him on what she wanted during play (which included breath play) - To cut a long story short she was accidentally suffocated during play by the vanilla newb.... Because he didn't understand what BDSM was or any of the finer points of common sense.

Don't get me wrong, Fetlife is a toxic minefield of extremely needy people (predominantly men) warped minds and worse... I know someone who was introduced to a guy who regarded himself as a 'Master'... His penchant was for beating his 'Subs'... Quite badly in fact.
She was beaten black and blue and still has three permanent cigar burns on her body from where he stubbed them out. I hasten to add that this wasn't consensual and she was too frightened to notify the Police (I actually did this for her - Sadly it's classed as a historic case due to the amount of time that has elapsed. The individual concerned has unfortunately died since).

There are cautionary tales in both of those.

If you're into BDSM, find the right person in the right place. Don't be in a rush, no matter how keen you are. If you sense that someone or something isn't right - Walk away - Read between the lines of any messages and how the person appears to present themselves. If you're not certain, get a trusted friend to double check the messages for you.